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Distant husband no affection

GloomydaysCasual Contributor16 Oct 2018, 6:05 pm AEDT

Distant husband no affection

I need someone to talk to. I feel really alone. My husband and I have a toddler together. He works full time and I work part time from home around my son. I get very little time to myself. My husband told me about a month ago that he thinks he has depression and has been feeling this way for a while. He went to a session a week ago but is currently undiagnosed. Our relationship is suffering very badly. We have no real good quality time together. He works long hours and goes to the gym till very late at night. I've been getting very upset about the late nights sometimes as late as 3 or 4am. He said it's his way to destress. He's so distant and sometimes very cold towards me. He's always on his phone messaging other people, friends and work chats. He's still able to go to work, gym and out with friends and function.. yet when he comes home, I feel I'm the one getting treated pretty poorly. There's been no affection for months. I feel really alone and upset and we fight all the time about it, especially the late nights. I dont know what to do anymore.. I feel like he doesnt listen or just doesn't hear me.. I'm tired of crying and feeling so alone. I'm even at the point where I wonder if there's someone else. He tells me there isn't. I let him do all the things he needs to do, I just don't tolerate the late nights as I need sleep and can't when he's not home. I'm frustrated because he goes out to unwind but I never get that time myself. I'm trying to give him what he needs.. but I also have needs. I want love and affection 😞 hes just not the same person anymore. Even if we're alone together, I'm always trying to force a conversation. He never asks me how my day was.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced similar where their partners seem to function day to day but when it comes to your relationship, thats the one that is suffering. I've tried talking to him about it and we just fight.. what else can I do? Is it just a matter of waiting for him to get better.. 😞

6 replies

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In response to: Distant husband no affection

Boo13Senior Contributor16 Oct 2018, 6:11 pm AEDT

Re: Distant husband no affection

Dear @Gloomydays

it sounds like you are subjugating all of your needs to please your husband. You need to take care of yourself or you will not be able to provide the support and care for your husband if he has depression.

i would encourage you to talk to your GP or a psychologist about your concerns and seek support for yourself. You have a toddler to think about and your child is very important too.

In response to: Re: Distant husband no affection

GloomydaysCasual Contributor16 Oct 2018, 6:21 pm AEDT

Re: Distant husband no affection

I completely agree. It's just finding someone that will talk to me over the
phone as going in somewhere just wont happen with my toddler and work, at
least not regularly. I will visit my GP and see what she says. Thanks

In response to: Distant husband no affection

Unknown userMember16 Oct 2018, 6:48 pm AEDT

Re: Distant husband no affection

Hi @Gloomydays,

Welcome to the forums! It is very courageous to come to a new space and talk about what is happening for you. It sounds incredibly challenging at the moment managing being a parent, working, and this change in your relationship. It must be so difficult not having the intimacy you want in your relationship because of his mental health issues and how he is dealing with them.

It is great you are interested in getting support and great suggestions by @Boo13. I hope you find this a supportive place to be. I'm wondering if other forum members have had any luck with ongoing (not short term) phone or online counselling?

Just so you know in addition to posting on this thread you can have a look at other discussions and introduce yourself here as well if that appeals to you!

Take care,

Tortoiseshell

In response to: Distant husband no affection

KMGCasual Contributor22 Oct 2018, 9:22 pm AEDT

Re: Distant husband no affection

Hey there

Im really sorry you’re feeling so alone.

I hope your toddler is bringing you the joy and happiness you deserve.

Not to sound too cruel but you’re definitely being treated unfairly.

You at least deserve to talk about it with him so I’m really sorry he isn’t listening but I do hope he is getting the help he needs.

I guess you could keep posting here, that way you’ll definitely know you’re not alone and always have somewhere to go for advice.

Seeing a doctor who can recommend a mental health practitioner would also be good - Just so you’re being proactive for you and your child’s own wellbeing. Nothing wrong with being too cautious when it comes to mental health.

Stay strong 🙂

In response to: Re: Distant husband no affection

sunflowersCasual Contributor25 Oct 2018, 12:08 am AEDT

Re: Distant husband no affection

Hi @Gloomydays, I’m sorry to hear this.

While reading your post, I found sections that I could personally connect and relate back to within my relationship.

It’s an awful feeling what you’re experiencing and the fact you’re reaching out, looking for a positive way to cope with your feelings is amazing!

My own personal experience with this sort of situation only resolved with time and tough decisions. They say communication is key in a relationship, but what happens when communication isn’t working? I don’t know what advice to offer but I truely hope this turns around for you and both you, your husband and child find some stability soon. X

In response to: Re: Distant husband no affection

GloomydaysCasual Contributor26 Oct 2018, 7:32 am AEDT

Re: Distant husband no affection

thanks everyone for your replies. Things have only gotten worse. Last Saturday he left my son and I. Monday he told me he wants to be alone to "figure things out". I haven't heard from him until yesterday when we received an infringement notice in the mail for him parking somewhere he wasn't meant to actually be staying. So I have a feeling now that we're not looking at depression. A friend has also told me that he's not planning on coming back and that I'll have to make the decision. I sent him a message last night and he just didn't reply. He hasn't asked about our son for 4 days now.

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