Lost

Hi,

I don't know what to say really it's pretty hard, I don't talk about feelings. But I saw this on tv and thought it might help. So a quick background I am manic depressive, and some other things in not sure what they really mean, some psychotic disorder I don't know. Anyway i dont take medication, it makes me feel numb. I guess that's the point. Stupidly I smoke weed, and it's ironic as that does the same thing. Makes me numb. Anyway. I quit my job in January as I was working 80hrs a week for no good reason. I was paid poorly and treated like shit. So I decided I would live my dream of sailing the world, I have always been a bit of a loner, and I usually am quite content being on my own, well not alone but just me my partner and her d***head cat, (that I love). So I bought a boat and decided to sail around Australia and then the world. Working when we can. The last few months have been really hard though my depression has really kicked in, I am getting angry and starting to self harm. I don't want to leave the boat anymore, and I am just miserable. I know I need to get out, start working again and meet people and make friends like my partner has but it's hard for me as I can't just talk to people. I get scared in large groups and I am just socially awkward. You would never believe it. I am one of Australia's best cocktail bartenders, so when I am up I am up. But when I am down I am down for months. This time it feels different, I'm not coming up again. I'm not starting to feel better I just keep spiraling. I think because by delibratly isolating myself I have caused myself to have nothing to fall back on when this happens. (Something I didn't think about) except my poor partner I love her so much but it must be so hard for her to be walking on eggshells when she is around me in OUR home. We live on a boat so there is no escape for her from my messed up head. I don't know I'm just ranting because I have nothing or no one to really talk to. It's funny though I'm talking to a computer and it's made me stop crying for the first time today. I guess it helps to talk to someone even of someone is no one. I'm just lonely I think. I have two friends. And both are in 1000s of km away and my partner. I guess it could be worse.