Struggling

I have posted this elsewhere on the site, but I think I had put it in the wrong spot, I’m still trying to find my way around the forums. After reading other

peoples stories I know I’m not alone out there, it would just be nice to connect with someone who completely understands where I’m coming from.

Hi everyone, I’m new here.

My thoughts are a little scrambled at the moment, I hope I make sense and don’t come across too confusing.

I have kept a lid on my past experiences for almost 40 years, pretty much ignoring every thing that has happened, but this year my past has seriously affected my day to day living.

My story starts at age 8. I was sexually assaulted by a group of 4 boys. One of these boys got to me a couple of weeks later and did it again. I was too young to understand what had happened, I didn’t even have a word for it back then. I never told a soul.

When I was 10 I was holidaying with my family and some friends of the family. The oldest son of our family friends used to do stuff to me that made me uncomfortable in the pool. When I saw him near the pool I used to get out but sometimes he would be in the water before I noticed him there. When we got home from holidays I was with a group of friends, this boy was also there, and we were playing inside an old abandoned water tower. As the group left I found myself alone with him and I was sexually assaulted, although the details are a little sketchy. This was the first time I “stepped out”. I remember I was in a boat on a lake, I felt very warm and calm. I looked around and I was totally surrounded by water, but I felt very safe. When I became aware of myself again I was on the train tracks walking away from the water tower. I had thongs on and I was in the middle of a bindii patch and the prickles were sticking into my feet. This boy was the son of my mums best friend and once again I never told a soul.

My mum was a cub leader when I was a child and the assistant cub leaders father in law moved out from America and lived in a granny flat out the back of their house. This man along with the rest of the family became great friends with my family. He only had 2 grandsons and I became his “adopted” grand daughter. His family ran a business and had a holiday house on the coast that they used to go to at least once a month, the old man never used to go though. This was his time to carry out his sexual abuse that lasted for about 12 months. I was 11 when he started. He continually threatened to end my parents life if I ever told anyone. My parents thought I was just going to his flat to have lunch with him, they never knew of the abuse. It got so bad and I couldn’t see an end to the abuse, I thought my only option (in my 12yo brain) was to get rid of him. I made a plan to use something from the kitchen, I had even planned where I could hide a change of clothes in a vacant block on the way to his house in case I needed to change. As it turned out, I found out that the family had bought a business in another town around 300kms away and they were leaving. I decided to just wait it out. At the time, for me I could see the end coming, for him he was running out of time so he ramped things up A LOT. Not that I understood back then but now I know that I was never given enough time to fully recover from injuries before it all happened again.

During my abuse with this man, I began “stepping out” again, particularly when he got violent. Just as the pain got bad I would find myself in the boat, only becoming aware of myself when I was outside the flat walking home, when my brain decided it was safe enough to come back. I couldn’t actually stop myself going to the boat, unfortunately I couldn’t make myself go there either, so there is a lot of terrible stuff I do remember during my time with this man.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, and again at 20 - 1 month before I met the person who would later become my husband. I told him a little about the abuse but not everything, no names or any real detail. I had a bit of an issue with drugs as a teenager, but that all stopped before it became a real problem.

My husband and I went on to have 3 children (something I thought would have been impossible) but we lost our middle child in a car accident when he was 9yo. There was an occasion in the following months when things were so terrible I “stepped out” again, that’s the last time it has ever happened. That was 12 years ago.

Last year my father died, it all happened very fast, he was diagnosed with cancer and 6 days later he died. Hours before he died I had a huge falling out with my sister in law. That night I confided in my husband about what had happened and he sided with her. We have been in marriage counselling since the end of last year. It was during this counselling that I started getting terrible anxiety and my past started to bubble to the surface, our councillor now sees me weekly on my own to help sort through all the abuse. It’s been pretty brutal going over all the past events while also watching my marriage disintegrate. Add to this my 19yo son came home a month ago to tell us he and his girlfriend are expecting a baby. My mother has dementia which is progressing rapidly and I am pretty much her carer as well at the moment.

Everything became too much a few weeks ago and I wanted to end my life, I didn’t go through with it but every day is a huge struggle at the moment. My anxiety is crippling at times, I cry myself to sleep most nights. I swing from being highly emotional to feeling absolutely hollow and empty. I can’t get my thoughts straight and I can’t see it ever getting better. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is this how it’s going to be forever? I don’t know how much more I can take.