My story

Thanks for sharing this @BlueBay, not only a difficult issue but must be hard to be so open about it.

Sounds like your mother is in total denial about your situation. She obviously has some control over your father & is actively keeping you from contact with someone you care about. I don't know, maybe she can't believe someone she knew/knows would do such a thing to you. For the short period she appeared to be supportive do you think she may have talked to those involved & took their side, believing them saying it didn't happen?

While your mother sounds like someone you can do without in your life, adding to your other issues, I really hope that you can find a way to have more contact with your father. It's so sad that problems with one person prevents contact with someone you want to be close to.

Take care, stay safe.

Hi @BlueBay,

I can relate to some of your story.

I got PTSD from physical abuse from my parents.

Not just PTSD, I can see half of my father's family have some sort of mood disorder. My father was an angry man. My mother was supportive towards "kids need to be smacked".

Luckily, I got inherited bipolar from my father. I used that manic power as a defense mechanism. From the age of 10, I started physically fighting my manic father back.

My mother often neglected me. She "manages" our family lives. I grew up cutting myself and banging my head to the wall. Thats part of BPD.

Now, I get verbally and physically defensive towards people. I do "dissociation" too. Thats part of PTSD.

The bipolar part of me is over excitement/happiness and creativity.

I dont abuse drugs, sex and alcohol because the BPD part of me hold me back (being passive).

But together bipolar, PTSD and BPD make me an angry person.

Hi @BeYo & @Drac0

Can either of you lovely people explain (if you know) what dissociation is?

Sometimes when I am in a session with my therapist I can 'drift' away somewhere else and not be present in the room. And it can take a few minutes for the therapist to bring me back to the present.

Not sure if that is dissociation???

I can even ask my psych today when I go.

@BeYo I too get angry and sometimes for no partiuclar reason. I can snap very quickly to the kids or hubby. And then I put myself down becaues of my behaviour. I think this is part of BPD.

Also I am sorry to read that you were physically abused by your parents. 😞

I hope you are doing okay today.

Hi @BlueBay.

The question of dissociation is probably something you should leave to your psych to discuss.

As I understand it (which isn't much), it can take a number of forms. Probably one of the more common ones is you see things happening but you aren't connected to them, it's more like watching a movie. Your detached from it all, the memories, emotions, even the physical sensations. Maybe you're drifting away could be some form, I really don't know.

Sudden & often violent mood swings was something I experienced for many years. It can be quite scary too. Would be doing something like playing happily with the kids then WHAM! One tiny insignificant thing & the anger would explode. Not nice to be around at all. And yes, afterwards you just hate yourself for it, feeding your depression. I don't know if this is part of BPD, bipolar or something else.

Hope today goes well for you @BlueBay and you get NOT a label but the diagnosis & treatment plan you need.

Take care.

I really hope you do get to have time with your father in the future @BlueBay, but at least you're conscious of & grateful for those that are around you.

Take care.

I've had the 'dissociation' as a defence against things becoming out of control too, @BlueBay, @Drac0, @BeYo, except I didn't realise it was dissociation. I thought it was the start of some kind of psychosis. I don't have the diagnosis of ptsd, but there's enough trauma there to qualify, if I didn't have so many other diagnoses. I've learned that the peculiar behaviours that I vaguely recall, but as if someone else was doing them are dissociations. But yes, @BlueBay, if you are concerned about unexplained behaviours talk to your therapist rather than trying to self diagnose.

(I was abused by my mother as a young child, and when I told a school counsellor, my parents were called in and told. It made my relationship with my mother even worse. Mandatory reporting can be overly excessive, but it's better than what happened in the past)

@BlueBay, you're not alone 😘

Thank you @GothMum for your comments.

I will talk to my therapist next Tuesday about dissociation. I have so much going on at the moment it is hard to think sometimes.