I’m lost and I’m turmoil.... explode, implode or bottle up....

I’m a newbie here but need to talk....

ive become aware of (or shown) that I may be dealing with complex trauma, but I’m in my 40s now and I’m not coping with it at all.

Its like ive been slowly dying inside, sabotaging all my happiness, the things I love... and then I met a counsellor who was ‘supposed’ to give me confidence and she saw straight through me and opened up a huge wound....

I became aware of everything, my vulnerability, negativity, control, etc.

I started writing in my journal, tried having another Skype session but now I’m feeling more aware of my fears (and just can’t afford additional sessions).... I feel out of control. I’m getting flash backs in snippets and experiencing anxiety (not really been aware I had that until this week). And even experienced panic attacks and hiding.... I’m a grown woman for goodness sake.

I went to doctor to get a health plan (after advice from a free counselling service who ‘couldn’t help me’ and suggested I seek help). The doctor asked me the simplest questions I, of course, completely froze. And she said I had dysregulation disorder....(how could she tell in the few words I said). Anyway, she gave me a referral to a psychologist who I called to make an appointment to find she is away until 28th October.... 3 weeks.... I didn’t book it.

you cant see the turmoil inside from my exterior but I am ripped, torn, shredded and deflated....

and I have to work on Monday (there is no way I can show anyone I am going through this, except my husband who is ‘trying’ so hard to be supportive. I have to ‘save face’.

I completely empathise with all who struggle with mental illness, we are so strong on the outside and soooo vulnerable on the inside...

ive tried mood apps, I’ve tried diversion tactics... I ‘can’ fake it until I make it... but the dreams/flashbacks are getting worse and I’m finding it hard to find equilibrium.

I also called Blue knot.... they weren’t available, left my number, that was yesterday midday... no reply yet....

i don’t want to burden the counsellor. She can’t assist with a mental health plan. I think I need professional help but I can’t get it.... what do I do?

I’m a professional woman with a great job who is questioning her ability to even do that.,,,,

help me please