money doesn't fix it

Oh @Former-Member

I understand you feel sad and that there is little hope, but you probably do need to distance from all the toxicity surrounding family and steadily move towards your own home ground.

My mind can surprise me by dreaming up a new "method". My best advice is to put those thoughts together with My Inner Saboteur. Dress him up in a raincoat like a spy and put him in a dumpster.

Sometimes SI is incessant, but these days I have large periods were I am free of it.

Maybe the fear is actually the part of you that wants to live and realises the threat.

It has helped me to give me a stern talking to ... that Suicidal ideation may never be completely gone. It helps me not to feel so devastated and thus it has less bite.

I read you had a trip.

I m pretty slow today.

thanks for being so real @Appleblossom. It’s hard feeling alone in the world otherwise. I just gotta get focus and energy to get out of here. Thank God I have the money. Yes, I better toss Mr Sbrtr (my rapid exit door / fight flight I guess). It’s gonna take great courage to face the physical landslide ahead of me, on top of MH battle. I doubt I have 5 independent years left anyway, and I literally have NO family support (made so evident being here alone the toxicity). It’s bleak. But I guess a more ‘present’ minded focus (putting the blinkers on) is the only way to survive it ‘one day at a time’

Helping my dad got me up and running and I loved it and was good at it. It restored me, and helped him (and my siblings just quietly). Since dad was refused coming home - oh boy! it’s gone south.Iinteresting I can’t muster the same dedication to self care

Anyway, thanks again, means a lot 💕

@Former-Member

I am in situation of zero family help too.

Friends are fairly thin and I am very careful not to weigh heavily on them as I dont want to push them away. SO that means zero expectations on anyone and nobody to call when needed. Anyway I have lived all my life like that, really, and in some ways things are easier now as I have less family weight ON top of me. Sad but true.

I know I put in the work, that my aloneness is not cos I was mean, but that family embarrassed by the abandonments and suicides and that resources were spread thin all round. It is what it is. Periodically I may get angry at it, but mostly I try and channel my anger. Cant get blood from a stone. These days, finally getting better mental health is NEW and well after I joined the forum. My early interest in the forum was to learn what the new MH care system actually was and how I could access it, as well as finding a tribe. It has made a difference, as without it, things could be a lot worse.

It makes total sense that caring for your dad gave you purpose and energy, but it is still depressing as ageing, is a difficult time. SOmeone once said "Getting old is not for sissies."

It really will be about moving on with whatever resources financial, energetic, and hope that you can muster.

It would be very sad for your son to lose you. Sorry.

Yes I have rapid exit plans as a default mode. Just talking about it on here, finding different ways to word it and to feel about it, has helped me. It has shrunk the absolutely HUGE sense of it as the only option, to a cognitive habit that has less feeling content, that my mind visits sometimes very suddenly when I least expect it.

Gently Bently is sometimes good, but other times, you might want to throw your energy into your new life .... all systems go ... no looking back ... eyes on the horizon ..

Take Care Bella

Cant type long atm @Appleblossom, my brain, so just want to honour your tx and affirm how glad I am that we found each other here, thank you sista 🌸💕

@Former-Member You needed to splurge, You will be able to reign in spending when you know where you are going.

"Bella" was a habit of talking of 2 older girlfriends. One Italian (in my teens) and Yugoslavian (in 20s). Then for next 20 years I often used it with students, it would give me a chance to remeber names etc ... so it is a long term cognitive habit, which is natural and positive.

I like it (using the bella word) cos I have had a lot of issues with my appearance and not looking good enough, but then sometimes apparently looking good enough ... whatever ... its hard wired in me now. I use it a lot, it is just a sign of friendliness and affection ... both those friends have gone now, one was too ambitious and looked down on me cos she bought in inner city ... the other was my old piano teacher and she has died.

I am very clear where my early concepts of suicide came from. It was NOT my own suicidal ideation ... it was very much my social surroundings. At 18 called by social worker to visit old school friend in ED who had attempted ... it was not even first from MY family ... I volunteered a little with Link Up and did home visits and phone counselling ... 8 years later, My first suicidal ideation came after my sister completed suicide, but I was pregnant and more worried about the effect on my daughter in utero

From then on though it went very deep and was very recurrent. However seeing the effects of suicides I also had a strong reason to not give into it ... I still have never made an attempt, my main problems have been fear of doing it rapidly before I can marshall my inner resources and talk myself out of it ...

Not getting enough social support and struggling with it alone, meant that the words (about suicide) would come out of my mouth without any filter ...

The medical system is struggling to grapple with it ... the problem is huge ... I no longer take it personally ....

Nowadays .... the NDIS talk about it as a psychosocial problem .... and I think that it is a good idea ... and evetually the social deficits will be recognised as relevant but managing those without blame ... is critical ... cos blaming families ... is not the answer ... as they are the ones with the most to gain ... so blaming families is just kicking the next victim ... so the system has had a lot of learning to do .... hmmm ...

I cant bring my brother and sister back ... due to all foster homes etc ...I only lived with my sister for 5 years anyway ... so the causes of her death were much more complex than me being a typical bad bossy big sister ... I was not even close to that ...took her on a few holidays ... in a way I gave my power to my brother and sister as I was wrapped up in bringing the family back together ... did not realise the full extent of the obstacles in that dream of mine.

@Former-Member I left school at 16 too. The hospital social/wkr had to call around public service to find me so I could visit old friend. It helped the girl at the time. I had only known friend for one year and bumped into her a few times over the years, but she was often on a downer and I had much more difficult things to manage. I liked her, but could not fix her problems, she was only child of divorced parents and resented her mother and step father. I knew she idolised her grandmother. It was a common scenario. I simply struggled with my own. I rarely got to speak my problems back then. My words, feelings or situation was not relevant, Everyone had problems. That was pretty obvious. It took years of therapy for me to say how it was for me.

I think it is important to work with our cognitive material. aka thoughts ... Bella ... is an example of a good thought .... SI is not ... they both have personal historical context for me and be part of MY solution on how to manage despair or a sense of futility.

Your solutions will be from within you and your unique history.

Your reasons and thought patterns became different to your mother, which is pretty standard, as most young girls need to differentiate themselves from mum.

My mother had a similar attitude to suicide to yours. Only conversation was that it was against catholic faith. It is a false sense of strength if they are not actually plagued by it,. My mother could not see if someone was on the edge of death for physical (dad) or emotional reasons (siblings). Her lack of ability to process such things was probably due to WWII trauma and basic ignorance, covered up by fierce pride and religiosity. Sometimes, I wish had half her pride, and I have worked hard enough for it, but I see pride and ignorance as a lethal combination .. whether intentioned that way or not ...

Thats my life and psychology ... your is different ...

If that is the only discussion you have had with your sister about your suicidality. It is sad. I am not sure if she is older or younger. than you and if she cared at one stage...

My surviving sister is so traumatised and defensive by proximity, being younger, and damaged by siblings ongoing self harm and suicidality (from 10 years on). I have not had one conversation with her about my SI. Because I defended them to her she has rejected me. Nothing I could do. I was close to my youngest sister in that I did a lot with and for her. Context matters. From my point of view, the other siblings loved and did a lot for her too. My brother often drove her around and my sister did her hair and they had lot more personal grooming times together. In my time, work to earn money was more important to cover life essentials. Mother was more settled financially with the last child.

I think your father is cared for and getting some family attention and I am not sure why you do not think it is enough. I think he is lucky for an old guy.Standards of care do change .... I would not compare too much as it opens old wounds..He may have upset your brothers. Of course, his independent relationships with all his sons & daughters is well beyond my understanding or judgement.

My mother tended to favour her father over her mother, and I went through a period of doing that too.

@Former-Member Hope I have not upset you.

It is always hard going deeper into situations.

I get your family was isolated and had nobody else to turn to.