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Grieving

SarahKateContributor03 Mar 2016, 1:30 am AEDT

Grieving

Hi everyone.

I was just reading the compassion fatigue posts (just skimming sadly as I am so time poor) and I could certainly relate to it.

My 21 year old daughter was recently diagnosed Bipolar type II and most likely also has ADD. It has been a long and arduous journey to this point, complicated by external factors and utter confusion on our part (her Dad and I).

I have always found talking with others about my problems very therapeutic and never more so than now. It is often in articulating what has been happening, how I've been feeling, that I formulate new thoughts and place things in order.I was talking to a friend whose partner has the same MI as my daughter and had a sudden realisation that I had been experiencing classic stages of grief - grieving for the daughter I once had.

Shock and denial - not recognising that her aggressive and unreasonable behaviour was more than just normal adolescent push-back or not coping with adult events and responsibilities

Pain and guilt - as I began to understand her pain I felt it too, and felt guilty for what I might have done better in her childhood and in more recent times.

Anger and bargaining - oh yes, I've been angry. Angry at her when she lashed out at me, the one who has cared for her, loved her unconditionally. And then angry at the first psychiatrists she saw who worsened her state of mind. And angry at people's reaction, or lack of reaction to me telling them of her condition...lack of follow up "how's she doing now?" that would have been forthcoming had she a phsical illness. Bargaining I guess has been "if we can just get through this bit "(her sister finishing year twelve, or Christmas, or her CBT course) and "if I'm patient and caring and and and"....then it will all get better.

Depression, reflection and loneliness. Yes. Most definitely. Although I have a supportive husband he is much more pragmatic than me and (and I don't mean this critically) self-preserving. It is so isolating because I often realise I've been talking about her and about IT again with friends and colleagues and try and stop myself because I don't want it to be all I talk about...but it is all consuming. I have become seperated from the world as one does in grief - a bystander looking at the world whirring away, oblivious to my fgut-wrenching fear that I'll receive another message or call from someone saying they are fearful she is going to take her life.

The acceptance has begun. Not the acceptance she is mentally unwell - that wasn't hard - but the acceptance of the long journey ahead, and that she will be facing the challenges of MI for the rest of her life, and we will be the support team. I'm not quite at the reconstruction and hope stage yet - but I get little glimmers of it. I think I am currently too exhausted to have the energy for positive forward thinking. I get through each day as it comes.

I just wanted to share and am keen to know if anyone else has felt this way.

5 replies

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In response to: Grieving

JoseJonesSenior Contributor03 Mar 2016, 6:41 am AEDT

Re: Grieving

@SarahKate

It sounds like you have had a long and often thankless journey in which you have loved and cared for your daughter, and been her mother, friend, and support network through all her ups and downs. I can only but admire the resillience it takes to keep facing the bad days, and to give yourself so selflessly. It's a remarkable thing that carers like yourself do. It sounds like you carry some guilt about things that happened in the past, and wonder about whether you could have done some things differently. I hope you can cultivate a forgiving attitude to yourself for these things. No parent receives a rulebook for how to deal with a child with mental illness, and it sounds to me as if you have handled it with incredible kindness, strength and compassion. It's so interesting to see you compare it to the stages of grief. I'm sorry to see that you've reached a stage where you feel so spent by it all.

Some other posters have recently shared their experiences of compassion fatigue. Perhaps @fran @maddison @Carer101and @Luigi could offer some insight and support in this thread?

In response to: Re: Grieving

NikNikSenior Contributor03 Mar 2016, 9:17 pm AEDT

Re: Grieving

Hi @SarahKate

Welcome to the forums 🙂 I'm really glad you found us.

Firstly I just wanted to flag that on Tuesday, 22 March we are hosting a live forum session called Topic Tuesday. Our theme for this month is caring for someone with bipolar. You can find the discussion here

There are a lot of people here caring for a child with bipolar. @Untethered is just one member who pops to mind. You can read about their story here

But most of all, it sounds like you're experiencing something all carers go through exhaustion and grief. Many carers, regardless of the cirumstances, are in the same boat as you. @Jaye-Kay talked about their exhaustion. I love this quote from their post:

Carer's role has a special place in my heart; it can be a very challenging role and invisible work - but real work and a real contribution to the world.

Self care is a pretty common theme around here and I truly hope you're making time for yourself - because you need and deserve it.

Again, welcome to the forums. I hope to 'see' you around.

In response to: Re: Grieving

Unknown userMember05 Mar 2016, 4:44 pm AEDT

Re: Grieving

Hi,

Welcome to this forum.

I know what you mean about grief. My partner and son both have been diagnosed. The hope is that once the diagnosis is made things will somehow get better. However there always seems to be one more thing to grieve.

You are lucky to be comfortable enough to talk about things. I am naturally an introvert and more prone to social anxiety so have found that a difficult aspect. It can also be difficult to find people who understand.

Thanks for starting this thread I will be interested to see what others think.

Cheers.

In response to: Re: Grieving

SarahKateContributor05 Mar 2016, 10:49 pm AEDT

Re: Grieving

I believe this is the ideal place to "talk" with the best prospect of finding others who understand.

Today im feeling good. Today I'm optimistic. Today I'm not thinking about tomorrows.

Cheers

In response to: Grieving

ChezraileeNew Contributor08 Mar 2016, 11:48 am AEDT

Re: Grieving

Hi SarahKate,

This is my first forum post...I think I may be a frequent visitor from here on in.

I feel like I have just read my own thoughts., so thank you for posting because I now know I am not alone.

My 20 year old son who had been previously been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety is in the process of re-diagnosis for Bipolar. After a hospital visit last week when he was suicidal, a Dr and mental health worker with a bit of insight actually listened to my sons story, then our story, and put the 2 together and came up with what we have been thinking it possibly was for the last few years. For a few days I felt like a weight had been lifted, that we are finally making progress towards 'something', but whilst it's a relief in some ways, the journey and realisation that my son will most probably have a life long illness has begun. The hope that one day he might fulfill his dreams (he has had a lot of them!) and the grief has started for the son I used to have, and the son whom I envisaged I would have who will now never be. I will now embrace the young man that he is and support that ideal because the alternative is not an option. I dont mind that he has a mental illness, I just find it hard to deal with the stigma and judgements from society that are attached to it. He has lost quite a number of friends and that breaks his heart. Thankfully we have a few close friends who understand, and I am grateful there are services such as sane to give people a voice and a safe place.

In the meantime I will grieve until I can make sense of what our future will look like and take comfort that there are others in this world in similar situations.

Thank you 🙂

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