No longer able to support my husband - eeeek!

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and realtively new to having a husband that is now prepared to accept that he needs some help to get through life and manage himself and the impact he has on people around him.

We've been married for 18 years. the first 10 were relatively up and down but much less reactive and chaotic than the last 8. My husband has finally been diagnosed with ADHD. My husband has refused to accept that his behaviour is a problem, impacts on others and our relationship.

I can't begin to describe how difficult it has been to be married to someone who is not your partner. Someone who is another adult child, who is such a contradiction that you know they love you but don't treat you as a loved one, is quick to blame you for their short comings, gets angry easily not only at me but at our kids. Has caused harm and trauma to all of us, yet rests the blame firmly with anyone or anything else around him. I crave / need to have a realtinosihp with someone who converses as an adult, who doesn't just consistently put up barriers and refuses to engage when something is 'fearful' for him.

My profile name is exhausted101, becuase I'm at the end of my ability to support him and my exhausted is exhausted. For the first time in my life I find myself in a situation that I can't manage - well I can but to do so I need to leave. I have been his wife, manager, counsellor, mother, decision maker, money manager, thinker, supporter, for so long that I've forgotten about myself and now I'm broken.

My husband does not address anything until it gets to the point of extreme. 5 years ago i told him i was leaving if he didn't get some help. It didn't matter what I had asked him to do prior to that or supported him to do etc, it got really bad for our whole family (lots of anger from my husband and responses to the kids, like a kid). When he sought help he was incorectly diagnosed with anxiety. The medicaiton for anxiety tended to dull some of the behaviours and assisted for a time, until things became really bad again.

The ADHD diagnosis is newly professionaly diagnossed. And for the first time ever in his 47 years, my husband is finally prepared to accept that he has a mentail illness / behavioural disorder that he requires support to manage. This hasn't changed any of the behaviours, but it has made him aware of them, but not before only hours after. This is an improvement and I don't want to understate how difficult it is for him. But this post is about me, because not much has been about me in the past 18 years.

I'm at the end and not sure I can re-engage with him enough to get through this period of time while he learns to manage ADHD and the medication kicks in. I keep asking myself, when is enough, enough! When do i walk away because I can't be helpful in this situation anymore becuase I'm broken. I don't know the answers and keep telling myself to try and get through the next few months. I don't want to be a part of causing any further trauma to our two beautiful children.

I'm not really looking for answers from anyone else, i'm the only one that can make decisions about what I can and can't do. I'm really just seeking out anyone who is or has been in a similar situation, that I can maybe communicate with - sometimes that can make it seem less like you are alone and trying to deal with this in isolation.

Thanks for listening.

Vickie