Thanks @Former-Member for the tag.
Hi @Lexie and @rosemary1 I have been through what you are both going through and to some extent still do. Just want you to know how much I feel for you both and how well I relate to how hard and draining both mentally, emotionally and physically this situation is.
The situation with my daughter has been happening since she was 15. She is now 22. She rebelled at 16 because she did not like our rules (no drinking etc underage), and ran away from home. In that time she was taken advantage of, sexually abused and introduced to drugs. There was nothing we could do as legally we had no control over what she did. It was an incredibly painful time for my husband and self. We devoted our whole life to her, she wanted for nothing and was very much loved. We brought her up with values but she threw that to the curb. My grief was overwhelming. That was just the start of it.
She ended asking to come back home and we agreed. Shortly after she became abusive, refused to help around the house or respect our boundaries and rules. This went on for awhile. Long story short - she continued to smoke cannabis and became very aggressive, attacking my husband (when in a rage her strength was incredible). I intervened and she head butted me. I told her then and there to get out of the house and not return. But I was shattered still.
She stayed with friends and tried to come back but I refused to let her return. She ended up in a refuge and she did attend headspace for a few sessions. It did not help but she is unwilling to give counselling a try then and still. She did obtain short term public housing under a co-op, but they would not give her permanent housing and she ended back with us again as I did not want her homeless.
She attempted suicide a few times in that time she was with us, and many times we have had to ring the ambulance and police attend. She gained very little help from the mental health teams and no follow up. She has been diagnosed with PTSD, bi polar but the most recent diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder which is very accurate in my opinion. She is very deceptive and lies like there is no tomorrow.
We gave her no money as advised and she did work and earned her own with casual employment. She would when home lye in her bed most of the time and when she did talk to us she would abuse and disrespect us. She continued to do nothing around the house expecting me to wash, clean for her etc. We were coming to our wits end as this abuse was taking its toll. She would also manipulate and use us taking advantage of our good nature. My husband also is ill with prostate cancer and his health was declining. It was a living nightmare. The stress incredible.
This is child who won academic and community awards. She was highly respected and was very respectful. We raised her to respect herself and others. One day, she just rebeled and snapped.
She would enter, and still does, into abusive relationships with very dangerous psychopaths; one a couple of years ago that drove her over the edge and she had a near fatal suicide attempt. Myself and husband found her. I am still getting over it. The doctors stated it was a miracle she is alive.
She was scheduled and again diagnosed with BPD. The pattern kept repeating itself. She would be in and out of work due to her lack of respect for authority and instability. But always has managed to find some work as we refuse to give her money.
She clocked up much debt. We refused to bail her out. She worked out a plan to pay off her own debts on very little money. She crashed her car in rage and rode it off. She saved the money for another one. She asks us for money and we say no everytime. Particularly because she can spend it on drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Giving her money wou,d enabling her habits and leading her to believe she is entitled. And as a result she has become more responsible that way with money, learning the value of it, slowly but getting there.
She has entered into another abusive relationship with an ice addict. I don't understand this at all. Because of my daughter's mental health issues she is easily exploitable. She tries to break away from him but he keeps talking her back into going back. We told her if she goes back to him she would have to move out now as we cannot keep going through this due to her bad choices. And that he was never to come near us or our house. We are disgusted with her to be honest, but still love her. But won't have a bar of her partner. The more I warn of how he will destroy and use and abuse her, the more she goes back.
She makes her choices, and she needs to live her own life and learn....in her case the hard way. We won't be taking her back again.
We have our current home on the market and am moving to a sea golf resort community. It is our time now - she has had multiple chances and opportunities to get help and make a good life for herself but keeps making bad lifestyle choices. They are hers to own now. We will not tolerate it anymore.
I do understand of the concern of suicide, but they are adults and also have to learn to stand on their own two feet. I have learned over the years that if I keep cleaning up after her messes that nothing will change. It wasn't good for her or us and we were just enabling her. She is moving out mid October into a rental property her friends mother owns. She is sharing the rent with another person. It is up to her whether she blows this or not but if she does she will have to face the consequences and work it out. She is still in debt of five hundred dollars after paying off thousands. That is her problem to work out.
Sometimes what is needed is tough love but at the the same time to know that as parents we will always be there for them and love them. Being there for them does not mean being used and manipulated by them, that's the difference I have learned the hard way over the years. She is leaving amicably so there is still a good relationship between us and in her way she does love us. But she has to learn to make better choices and to be a responsible adult and if we keep rescuing her she will not.
It is still a dangerous situation with the relationship she is in, and she could self harm or hurt someone else she snaps, but she is putting herself in those situations, making bad relationship and financial calls and will now have to get herself out of it. I do find it hard not to worry as at any time tragedy can strike at any time and it makes me depressed at times, but what we have been doing hasn't work and we deserve a life too. We made all the above clear to her. The stress of it all was killing us and shortening our lives, no more. It just cannot go on so hard calls have to be made as heartbreaking as they are.
So yes Rosie, we have asked her to leave. Have you considered moving into an over fifty fives village community where she cannot return? Just one idea. If your daughters are admitted into a psychiatric ward and it's made clear they have nowhere to return, they can ask for a social worker that can help them obtain housing, benefits and follow up treatment. If they become aggressive and abusive where it crosses the line I would not hesitate in calling the police.
We did this with our daughter at one stage and obtained an AVO and she in time learned she could not get away with it and over time is no longer verbally abusive or destructive around the home. It is important not to tolerate disrespectful behaviour and behaviour that crosses the line or they will become empowered and get worse. Setting clear boundaries with consequences and act on them. It's really hard to do, breaks the heart but is the only way to gain respect and to get your lives back. Your home is your rules or they need to find alternative arrangements. Please don't give them money or they will take from you all their lives.
Our daughter can show us respect now most of the time, not always, and is maturing, but the relationships she is in makes her snap again. And we just can't keep going through it. If she can keep out of such relationships we believe she could make a successful happy life for herself and manage her mental illness. It is now up to her and we handle the situation one day at a time, or the worry would overwhelm. As I still love my daughter very much. But we deserve a life too. I hope it works out for you both soon and that something I said helped. You are not alone. These problems are becoming more prevalent in society unfortunately.
