BPD I have no place I belong

@outlander Thank you so much 🙂 I have my psych, who is amazing. But he goes above and beyond for me already and I don’t want to over burden him.

i don’t have many friends and those I do have are going through their own things - one a serious health crisis/surgery and the other his mum has just been put in a nursing home due to dementia advancing. So I don’t want to burden them.

i also feel like a bad friend, I feel unable to support them because my own stuff is too heavy, too insurmountable.my job is the main problem. One minute it’s ok next it’s a diaster. I want to quit but when I’m unemployed my depression is worse so to stay-leave both negative outcomes.

Hi @DGoldman,

Sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Losing a job, particularly one that you enjoyed can really disturb a persons sense of identity and belonging, even without the added challenge of BPD.

You are doing well to reach out. Please keep posting and sharing. You are supported here.

All the best,

Chamomile.

Hi @DGoldman.

I have BPD myself and although I can't speak for you, I do know from my personal experience that in the past, I've felt that I'm alone and that I don't fit in anywhere. It took a long time for me to get formally diagnosed with the condition, including several voluntary stays on psych wards in another state where I was doing uni at the time and even then, the doctors didn't diagnose me until I came back to my home state on a uni break and got a proper diagnosis of it, along with 2 other mh conditions.

Even now, 10 or so years since my BPD diagnosis, I've had trouble fitting in with people and making friends, let alone maintaining friendships. I've stopped and started new courses- I did graduate from uni in 2009 but not from the degree I initially started in- and I haven't had a job since 2003 before I went to uni in 2004.

I'm lucky that I've finally found a TAFE course that will hopefully lead me to a job in the mental health field, as a peer worker, and I live with a housemate who I met when I was living in a residential facility in 2016. I used to live with my dad but he couldn't handle my mental health issues so I left home. He's got anxiety and depression and is an alcoholic and I've since had issues with that relationship after what happened. My housemate is great and we've got a cat who keeps us company that I adopted but I don't have any real friends as such. My classmates at TAFE don't live near me and I only see them for 2-3 days a week for 6 hours, so it's tough. My old mental health worker wanted me to socialise with other people but I'm not really into groups and my hobbies aren't really group type activities. In my NDIS plan which I'm due to go for a pre planning meeting soon, my old worker stated the group thing about getting me to meet people my own age- I'm 41 but only feel 30 if that and certainly don't act 41😂!- but I'm hoping that once I complete my TAFE course, I'll meet new people and go from there. At the moment, I'm looking at volunteer opportunities to help me get into the job I want so hopefully that helps, at least with meeting new people and stuff like that.

As for you, I'd look at the positives, in that you have a job and that you make your own money instead of me on Centrelink allowances. I'd love to have a job and my goal is to move to the country so I can buy my own place - my twin has already done this and has been working fsince she was 21 with the same company- so think of it that way. I don't have a partner right now although I'd like a mr to walk into my life and that hurts me too but I try to stay positive and keep thinking that he'll turn up eventually!

I'm sorry for waffling on! BPD isn't nice at times and she can really mess with you as I've found out, but I'm still around after so many years and I'm still learning new things about her. Sure, I don't like her at times, but she's taught me so many things about myself that I could never have dreamt of or done and believe it or not, I kinda like having her around, in a weird sort of way. At least I know that I'm different, unique and I can feel emotions which makes me special in my own little way.

You are a very special person @DGoldman and please remember that. Good things happen all the time, often when you least expect it, so believe in yourself. Good luck🍀 and feel free to respond if you want to. I'm here😊!

Hi @DGoldman.

I haven’t been in the yukky place in which you find yourself but I have been to my own hell like experiences and I genuinely feel for you.

I too have BPD which was diagnosed in my early thirties, 30 years ago and have had my share of ups and downs through the years. I am naturally an outgoing person but depressions insidious partner, anxiety, has at times, driven me deep within myself and away from friends and loved ones. This added a further level of pain being loneliness which can occur when in a relationship as well as outside of one.

I have no answers for your pain only to say that you are not alone, many on this forum have experienced pain and torment and in all cases this passes and the sun does come out again. Until you see the sun again, which you will, please know that many people are silently and quietly offering you support and care.

Banjo56

I can relate.

Most of my life I've been running, trying to find the place I fit in. Counless different job, many places I've lived, and very few friends made. Could really only be productive when high, however looking back, was quite delusional. I'm older now and depression generally rules my world. I have a home far away from the rat race and have to drive a considerable distance for work which i can only do 20hrs maximum a week before things go haywire. Meds are doing their job, but support is difficult to find unfortunately. I can act well around people for a short while, but fear and anxiety for another episode is permanent. If only people in regional areas could support one another it would be a big help. Stigma of mental illness is real. Being judged is real. Mental illness is real. Suffering is real.

I've been diagnosed with bpd among other things. I can relate to your feelings especially dreading going to work. I used to feel like that going to school. I remember crying hysterically at different times in my life. I feel alone too.

Hi @Harvey,

Welcome to the forums it is good to see you on here I'm sorry to hear that you feel alone at the moment, I hope you find the forums to be a really supportive place with a lot of people who may be able to relate to your experiences.

You can introduce yourself here if you like, but it is also perfectly okay to jump in a discussion as you have done.

Take care and hopefully see you more on the forums

Tortoiseshell