Emotional at work

On my break at work today I received a phone call from our case manager wanting to see how my mother in law is coping and we are coping. I lost it and started to cry and told him I am not coping. In fact I want to go back to a mental health unit where I was last year. We spoke for a while and he asked - how would your life be withour your MIL with you? I told him we would sell our home and downsize, pay off some of our mortgage and start afresh as my own family (hubby and 3 children). After 20 years of having MIL with us I want my own home with my own kids. It would be a new start for us. I told him I have other issues as well and we spoke about them. He was very understanding and totally understood my situation.

I then got off the phone and lost if completely. Sobbing and all negative thoughts goiong through my head. Running away, self harm, suicide - just to get away from this pain, emotional pain. Thoughts of why my parents don't understand and they never will; why can't they visit me; how can they treat me like this.

I left work early and came home to talk to my husband. I told him that my therapist is wanting me to go back into hsopital for a break as my depression has slipped quite a bit. I told him I am strugglimg with his mum and she needs to go back to respite and possibly permanent care.

He is not a man of many words and didn't say much just that he knows.

I just wish he would take more action, but I know he won't. And it frustrates me so much to the point that now I am hitting rock bottom. I feel lost with my life.

I hope with some time my husband will understand what I am saying. Mental illness is hard to explain to others who don't have this illness. And then to explain BPD and why i am so emotional - that's another story.

I really don't want to talk to anyone; but I needed to get all this off my chest. That's why i am writing on here.

It's kind of strange how I can open up so much on here to people that I don't even know - but - yet I can't open up like this to my husband or children.