I need help so I can be the best mum my kid deserves

i am failing my daughter!!! yes she is fed clothed has daycare a loving family environment...I am failing her...I sat in a chair on my deck this morning curled into myself she woke and just wanted me happy adventure mum....I was in the middle of at that stage 3 hour panic attack and i was certain my 2 yr old daughter could see straight through me!

I’ve always known I’m not mentally or emotionally secure.Not something I admit to I’m a strong independent woman or I I like portraying the persona...because showing weakness feels like wearing a dart board. And living a backpacker life of drifting has helped me bury it. when I chose to have my beautiful child for 10 months I coached myself to be the best mother I can be and protect them no matter who I insult or annoy. I stuck with these convictions. What I had to do myself what had to change with me around me....like an addict that I am with all things I took it to the extreme...and when I failed I couldn’t cope in that moment....okay I’m dribbling now cut to the chase had an extremely toxic relationship end where both of us were damaged I was lucky my child too young then to see my highs and lows....have recently started court proceedings of the first person of MANY who sexually abused me because he is the only one I can legally get....and this prior weekend staying at my parents my stepfather woke and abused me for leaving the tv on (I fell asleep watching it) to the point of getting in my face and mocking me when I flinched...I was a shaking mess standing up to him because I didn’t want my daughter or my niece for that matter who was there to hear that...I understand him from his own past child trauma and he has grown to be an amazing grandfather...but the verbal abuse that night was an echo of a childhood full of it...it has been like a trigger since Sunday I become manic about a subject or topic anything so I don’t self reflect because when I do I’m nothing I feel pathetic my actions following (excessively drinking,smoking packets) anything then the shame smashes me and I have to look at myself....and then I’m ashamed That my daughter has me for a mum....I can analyse everything that I’m doing while I’m doing it knowing the roller coaster this week....I was told by a psychiatrist when I was 18 I would develop bipolar considering where I was at that point and I laughed at her.....my daughter is acting out because she wants me and I’m lost in my head....I know I am I’m forcing myself to see her create little picnics etc but my anxiety is leading me to speak to her in a jilted small talk way It’s like I forget the bond we have that she’s 2 that she’s not judging me she only needs me....I don’t know what to do..I’ve had a distant relative be diagnosed with bipolar when I was young the stigma that went with it the meds that zombies her she lit her house on fire with her 2 daughters in it....am I that??!!!!