Dealing with the past

Hi @Julybaby, welcome to the forum.

You sound like a very caring person in relation to your ex-partner's mental health issues. Like your ex-partner, I have a bipolar diagnosis now but many years ago my marriage of 6 years failed when I was not properly diagnosed. Also like your ex-partner what I went through was mainly severe depression, combined with anger and verbally abusive behaviour (and other erratic lifestyle manifestations of undiagnosed bipolar).

Although it hurts that the relationship broke down probably mainly because I was mentally ill, I don't blame my ex-husband for withdrawing from me. During the years we were together he supported me so much and was so kind in the face of terrible behaviour on my part, that I can now really only be grateful for the time he gave me. If anything, I carry shame and guilt about how I treated him. It sounds like you treated your ex-partner very well too. I hope you can take some comfort in this and recognise the value of your efforts, even if you couldn't continue them.

To be honest, if my ex-husband and I had stayed together, he would have had to endure a whole lot more bad behaviour from me. The truth for me has been that, just because I eventually got an accurate diagnosis, it didn't mean that the troubling behaviours and issues magically went away. It was probably 15 years on from my marriage breakdown before I really got a handle on my anger, with the help of anti-psychotic medication.

I say all this because it sounds like you did your very best for your ex-partner. It sounds like you left the relationship for valid reasons. I think you can feel good about what you gave your ex-partner and about your choices for yourself.

Hi @Julybaby,

Welcome to the Forums, and thanks for your courage to share your story with us.

It sounds like you really care about your ex-partner and only want the best for him. And it sounds like the decision to leave the relationship was made very reluctantly in the face of some pretty significant difficulties, and as you mentioned, enormous sacrifices of your own needs, happiness, and potentially your own safety. Although it was a very difficult decision, it sounds like you left the relationship to be fair to yourself. I think you captured it perfectly when you said “to what point do you stay with the one you love before you start getting so caught up by their illness too?”. There is certainly no right or wrong in these situations, they are so complex and unique, but it sounds like you supported him as best you could and tried to make a decision that would yield the best outcome for both of you. It’s great to hear that he has received a diagnosis now and is hopefully receiving the appropriate treatment. Relationship breakdown is often a very common cue for people to seek help for mental health issues, so although it is painful to lose someone, if this becomes a catalyst to seek professional support and move toward recovery and healing, perhaps things really did work out for the better?

I hope you find some support and encouragement here on the Forums, there are many caring, compassionate souls like yourself who may have some great advice to share (thanks @Mazarita for your great post!)

Thanks again for posting @Julybaby and we hope to ‘see’ you around soon.

Take care,
supernova.

Hi @Julybaby,

Thanks for getting back to us, wonderful to hear that the messages were of some help to you. 🙂

From my personal experience of bipolar, there have been times when I have made good progress, and times when I have slumped into dark places again, sometimes for long periods. That's the nature of the beast for me, treated or untreated. It's great that your ex is making progress now and long may it continue. But I would again mention the ups and downs that may occur over the long haul. Treatment definitely helps me but has never offered a 'cure'.

A relationship in which I didn't feel safe is not something I would personally want to return to, especially if there is a real possibility of finding myself in the same place again in future. I was a child of domestic violence and witnessed my mother taking my father back time and again out of love, but ultimately with dark consequences for us all. There were always good intentions all round but these didn't stop the situation from deteriorating. With this in mind, I would suggest not contacting your ex, though you feel the urge to do that. Aside from the issues of your own wellbeing and safety (which is paramount in my view), as you suggested, it's possible that you contacting him at this time could set back his progress by bringing up complicated emotions at a vulnerable time of recovery.

My husband didn't speak to me for 13 years after our marriage ended. Then, after his second divorce, he made contact to mend bridges. We met then a few times and are now in very occasional and friendly email contact (he now lives overseas). It was truly a great thing to make peace in that way, but I recognise that it was necessary to have a long separation before that could happen. It would be great if we could always be friends with our exes but, especially in a relationship that has gone to very dark places, I now recognise that isn't always possible, at least not in the shorter term.

These are just suggestions from my personal perspective which I am sure you will take or leave as you will. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best.