Welcome to the forum. I'm fairly new here too. While we never can say we "understand” another person’s journey we seem to have some overlap of diagnoses at least (I have BPD, depression, anxiety and PTSD)
I just want to start by saying how awesome you are. That may sound like a strange response to what you wrote, but it’s true. I have struggled with my illness for 12 years and that feels like forever to me. I can’t imagine what it’s been like to deal with so much for over 30 years. So seriously you deserve credit for simply making it this far!
I know for me how discouraging it is when relapse seems to be inevitable after any good period but I want to believe there is hope. I’m currently well and I choose to believe that it is possible to stay well. There are days when I still wonder if it is hopeless and if it is worth the fight – but I choose to believe the answer is yes.
I know it’s clichéd but you’re not alone – I hope in this forum you find hope and encouragement in other people’s journeys. Having said that I know that online “friends” aren’t the same as those in real life. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely and finding that people don’t understand.
It sounds like you are in a really hard place. I remember times when suicidal thoughts were overwhelming me and it was a scary time. I don’t remember what was worse – when people believed me and I experienced some of the stuff you talked about (“drama of ambulance trips, incarceration & or c uniformed police checks at my door”) or when people dismissed it as “attention seeking” or just part of BPD. It’s so hard when these thoughts are constant and relentless. But don’t let these attitudes put you off – seek help if you need it. I have firsthand experience of how horrible it can be but I also know that looking back I’m glad I never succeeded in ending my life.
In terms of practical advice I’m not sure what to say. I can tell you how important exercise, diet and sleep are for me. But you probably already know that 🙂 and I know how hard it can be to do those things when you feel like crap. But do what you can – and try not to beat yourself up for what you can’t.
I would also say for me how important it has been to get help from someone who specialises in BPD. And I would encourage you to do so if you haven’t already. I know from my experience that accessing services can be a HUGE battle. But it has been worth it. Get your name on a list for DBT, or find a therapist who does MBT or TFP or one of the other options (I’ve forgotten all the names…).
There are some resources online around DBT and a Yahoo Group that does peer based DBT modules. But personally I related better in the real world…
Don’t know how helpful I’ve been. I guess what I’m trying to say in a nutshell is – well done for getting this far, keep going no matter how hard it seems suicide is never the answer and make sure you’re getting good health because you’re worth it (despite what you think or anyone else says)
