Psychiatrist blacklisted me from hospital because of my PTSD

..So yeah, I really was out of it, so scared, shaking, trying to curl up. She had trouble bringing me back out to the room, I didn't want to go to that place with him. I spoke to one of the therapist before my meeting with him, an freaked abit talking even with her. But she gave me good advice and I went in confident an expressed my needs, my comfortably of what I was willing at the time to talk about an why. He made a crake about feeling obsolete, but I had other things I said he could still help me with. But then I got triggered. He has a small room an he is right in front of you in a swivel chair that he likes to move round in. Most time obviously I was fine. First time he met me in there, an he got my diagnosis an sermised what sort of bad shit had happened to me with out making me uncomfortable to talk about it. He said your doing pretty good in here with me. I was like yeah well I try to trust...bla bla, etc it was a whole convo trust has to be earned too...but I was I a better head space then I guess. Though I still got triggered there by others anyways. Triggers can be so random -_- . piss me off to no end. So yeah, he did nothing wrong, just got scared, as usually when he moved his chair over towards me he had a reason, to show me something he wanted to draw etc. But because it was sudden an he had this serious face, my fff kicked in an I internally froze up, I was able to carry on like everything was fine, I thinkmonthpart of it all for me, not being able to show it, to say that is not ok, part of my abuse history to internalise, as I learnt expressing feelings was not safe and got me no were good. But it comes out later when I can let go an feel it.

All through out I've been worried about his feeling an him being offended, or thinking I am saying he did wrong things. By the end of it all, he has gone about it I feel sadly in many mishandled ways, only making it all worse. I've complained to the hospital about not just him but the treatment of the situation from the hospital its self, and to the official visitors via phone, doesn't sound like its will go very far, but I needed to do it. The miserable scums were trying to direct me away from making complaints -_- telling me to focus on my discharge. I said well I care about this for myself and for future patients that might face the same situations.

I was first told I would have to discharge a week to come in under a diff female psych. Then it was a month. Now since my forced discharch, because of not being legally allowed to be there they said without a treating doctor seeing me 2 times a week, that I'm out, I can't return as per the recommendation of my psych -_-

Anyways this is what is happening now. Continued...

So I had this gut feeling he was black listing me even before I left, as I has the Nurse unit manager an her fill in tell me the appealed to all the other doctors at length of my situation an non where willing to squeeze me in.

Now that I'm out I went to my gp an she got a letter from him with his recommendations I don't return to that hospital. She said she is following it up. I called the Num an left 2 messages for her to please call me back. I called the ward an they said yeah the psychs do have a lot of pull, triage would be able to tell u, coz I said I'm trying to find out where I stand. Sure enough triage said as per that psychs recommendation they can't accept a referral for me. So I am now writing a most likely pointless letter to try to get him to appeal his decision. Everyone ( except the Num who was real with me about him thinking about himself) try to frame it that it's for my best interests, etc... But no one is listening to me. I feel like will ferral in zoolander! 'I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!' Lol no one else notices what I notice. All his poopy body language, his words saying one thing but his actions an behavior saying another. 'I'm not offendened' then all these games and weirdness.

This is the draft of the letter so far.

( I know I should use dbt skill dearman, but eer meh it is hard an all an to not put 'you did bla' getting backs up)

It definitely seems like a very tricky situation you have there @Madilee. The PTSD alone is enough to deal with. I can completely understand you wanting a female to be with you in certain situations and I would see that as your right for your own safety reasons. I have read all 3 posts and while I empathise with your position here I really don't have an advice for you but you do have my support.

Thank you @Zoe7@@@@as said really appreciate it, been trying to see about going to one of the places I mentioned that had a bad experiences with also as a desperation back up, as atleast the place it's self was ok, an I found out the female cmo that I had to complain about because of her being too handsie and entitlement to touch me with out asking, not sexually but it was messed up and an odd an she got in my personal space. She was aware of my PTSD and continued to do such things even after I told her I wasn't comfortable with what she was doing. She was a odd duck o_0 when she wanted to speak with you, she talked to you like u were one of her dogs. She would be at my door an say 'come talk to me' with this big fake ass smile on her face
When ever I asked her how she was, she would never answer. Always looking desperately for some amazing thing she could tell me about myself so she could pat herself on the back, the conversations were pointless and irritating.
But after all that the psychiatrist I'd been seeing there an as a outpatient for 2 years, who I respected an though respected me an the patients an their work towards recovery an management of their health, became a unprofessional jerk head 😞 I saw him 2 final times for emergency appointments after that admission, telling him I was doing everything I could, using all the skills, but I was very suicidal, he was only interested in my cravings, as back the I was detoxing from alcohol. I felt so unheard, I went one last time, I was in a panic attack struggling to take in what was happening, my mother was there, but she was as useless as a potted plant in the corner, he accused me of just wanting to be numb, of avoiding talking about things in my notes because of the things that happened I the hospital with his team, I didn't realize till after he meant about my official complaint. He started ranting an raving about antidepressants only helping me 5% on top, saying we have tried all we can, angrily staring me down, I just met his gaze an did the same but said yes to all he's poopyness, I just wanted to leave. He mellowed at the end trying to appease with a random med he had no confidence in, I took the script, with no intention of filling. Have been sober an not struggling with it like I used to for a long while now.

So yeah I wasn't siked about going back there, but that is of the table to me anyway. Speaking to the triage woman, an she informed me that he felt I didn't need to be in hospital, and that the therapeutic relationship, there is only 2 other doctors at this place I said what about under a diff doc, she said they all have the same feeling. I snapped! Did me no good, but fuck! I I'm at the end of my rope.

It really sounds like you are fed up with the whole system and have had bad experiences that have led you to be less than impressed with the treating professionals at that particular hospital. I understand how incredibky frustrated and hurt you feel. It is not a nice postion to be in @Madilee. Do you have a gp and/or psychologist that you trust to discuss some of this with. It may be a good idea to talk to them as well about what you are presently dealing with and see if they could offer you some extra support right now.

Hi @Madilee,

That is completely messed up so sorry and angry to hear you went through all that.

But also pretty freaking amazed at how incredibly clear you are on what was going on, how it affected you and why.

Sadly, it's a problem in psych wards and has been for a long time - they often have a very poor understanding of trauma and trauma triggers 😞

Have you ever spoken with the Blue Knot Foundation helpline? They are really good with the trauma stuff and especially in understanding how environmental triggers like what you described can have a massive impact. I've found them incredibly supportive and soothing in times when I couldn't find sanctuary on any ward and had to find a way to get through in the community. I found them a bit different from 1800Respect, partly because they really get how hard it can be trying to get help with trauma in a psych environment also have sometimes been able to help in walking through exercises to help calm and soothe and ground when really triggered and just lend an understanding ear to help sort out how to piece together adequate support after being dumped out without any.

There are some day programs around that can organise either somewhere safe to go or someone to come to you we have MiCare and MiCare choices in Tasmania, I'm not sure what the mainland equivalents are or if they are the same in terms of trauma-informed.

If 1800 respect can refer to face to face domestic violence counseling with a specialist who feels safe there's that too.

For me, getting through was down to finding safe places and safe people to help get me through. The more safe people I had and having enough safe places helped teach my poor battered amygdala over time to settle down enough for me to be able to start to take control and get back into life again. Sometimes the safe place was just wrapped up on the couch with a warm fire and a good long non-triggering tv show to watch in marathons and take my mind off fears and memories into a nice safe storyline. And practicing self soothing and mindfulness as much as possible in my cocoon. Not feeling alone was a vital part of it, so being able to have a combination of safe support people to see every week put routine and structure in so I wasn't just stuck on the couch or home alone. That ongoing relationship with people I was able to see often enough that I came to trust them helped incredibly. So it didnt matter that there was a psychologist, a mentor, a domestic violence counsellor, a support group, a community worker, half a dozen helplines, calming guided meditation virtual-people, and whatever else.. what mattered was that those people felt safe and I wasn't alone and desperate in a terrifying world, little by little the amygdala catches up with that.

It was hard, I wont lie but the silver lining was that getting through outside a ward also taught my brain that the ward wasn't the place I had to run to when I was scared - that safety could be found in the community.

I think one of the hardest but ultimately the best lessons was that with the help of support and kindness I could become a safe person for my inner traumatized self to turn to. Not being alone in it all but getting stronger inside, little by precious little.

Was it right from your posts that you do have a couple of safe people so far that are trying to help you sort this out?

Really, really hope things get better for you soon. Withing you peace calm and sweet, sweet safety 💙💙💙

Hi @Madilee,

I'm female, despite the awkward tag and can unfortunately relate to some of what you described.

That is completely messed up so sorry and angry to hear you went through all that.

But also pretty freaking amazed at how incredibly clear you are on what was going on, how it affected you and why.

Sadly, it's a problem in psych wards and has been for a long time - they often have a very poor understanding of trauma and trauma triggers 😞

Have you ever spoken with the Blue Knot Foundation helpline? They are really good with the trauma stuff and especially in understanding how environmental triggers like what you described can have a massive impact. I've found them incredibly supportive and soothing in times when I couldn't find sanctuary on any ward and had to find a way to get through in the community. I found them a bit different from 1800Respect, partly because they really get how hard it can be trying to get help with trauma in a psych environment also have sometimes been able to help in walking through exercises to help calm and soothe and ground when really triggered and just lend an understanding ear to help sort out how to piece together adequate support after being dumped out without any.

There are some day programs around that can organise either somewhere safe to go or someone to come to you we have MiCare and MiCare choices in Tasmania, I'm not sure what the mainland equivalents are or if they are the same in terms of trauma-informed.

If 1800 respect can refer to face to face counseling with a specialist who feels safe there's that too.

For me, getting through was down to finding safe places and safe people to help get me through. The more safe people I had and having enough safe places helped teach my poor battered amygdala over time to settle down enough for me to be able to start to take control and get back into life again. Sometimes the safe place was just wrapped up on the couch with a warm fire and a good long non-triggering tv show to watch in marathons and take my mind off fears and memories into a nice safe storyline. And practicing self soothing and mindfulness as much as possible in my cocoon. Not feeling alone was a vital part of it, so being able to have a combination of safe support people to see every week put routine and structure in so I wasn't just stuck on the couch or home alone. That ongoing relationship with people I was able to see often enough that I came to feel I could justifiably trust and work with them helped incredibly. So it didnt matter that there was a psychologist, a mentor, a domestic violence counsellor, a support group, a community worker, half a dozen helplines, calming guided meditation virtual-people, and whatever else.. what mattered was that I chose the people that felt safe and I wasn't alone and desperate in a terrifying world, little by little the amygdala caught up with that.

It was hard, I wont lie but the silver lining was that getting through outside a ward also taught my brain that the ward wasn't the place I had to run to when I was scared - that safety could be found in the community and I didn't have to keep running for sanctuary to a place that ultimately felt terrifying because I had no control over the environment (and those in it weren't suffiently trauma informed.)

I think one of the hardest but ultimately the best lessons was that with the help of support and kindness I could become a safe person for my inner traumatized self to turn to, and that I could soothe and comfort that inner traumatized self. Not being alone in it all but getting stronger inside, little by precious little. Also learning that I could learn to connect with safe people in the world, so I didn't have to choose between a rock and a hard place and run back to those who weren't, that I had choices and there were options and I didn't have to stick with someone when my instincts screamed 'no!'.

Was it right from your posts that you have found a couple of safe people so far that are trying to help you sort this out?

Really, really hope things get better for you soon. Wishing you peace calm and above all safety

Hi thank you for your very beautiful replies an advice and everything, really want to reply properly myself, just so overwhelmed at moment, so much happening, promise to get back to this asap. Thank you so much @Fredd50@@ a@Zoe7

Take your time @Madilee There is no pressure to reply - looking after yourself is the priority Hon. Hope you are doing okay

@Madilee. Wow. I had a different but similar experience to yours - about my previous psychiatrist. Which in the end resulted in him removing himself as my psychiatrist and me having to leave the hospital. He even tried to have me sectioned to a public psych ward.

The Private Hospital where this happened couldn't help me, as the nurses had no say over a Psychiatrist, even when they could see what he was doing was wrong.

Well done in writing your letter to your old Psychiatrist. That takes guts and insight.

Hopefully the letter will have some impact in allowing you to have further respite and treatment in that hospital. If not, look for another private hospital where you may feel safe. Explain your need for female staff and how easily triggered you can be to men.

I wish you well