help

Hi there,

Although my experiences may not have been as severe, I would like to try and offer a hand - hopefully it can help - and show you that you are not alone. You should not feel ashamed of yourself, and that you are a beautiful human being.

I suffered severely from social anxiety for a 2 year period in adulthood (I suffered greatly in my teen years), I still get them now and then but not ALL the time (i am also mentally stronger so I know how to deal with certain things). Similar to you, I was a social butterfly and would constantly go out hang out with friends, and consistently make new friends. After a certain traumatic experience, and the Bipolar diagnosis of my long-time partner who also suffers severe depression, graduating from university but unable to find a job (so also financial stressors) and having no relatives in the country what so ever (due to financial stress unable to visit family back home so I also felt trapped). I felt pathetic and lonely, a lot of the time I also felt stupid because I was unable to properly treat my partner during her low periods. Everything just kept building up, and soon every time I was in a crowd I would have to leave... my vision would start to get blurry, and these voices start to mock me in my head, to a point where I just wanted to hurt someone. But every time, I would manage to just get out of the crowd and take a taxi home. Forcing myself to be social, I went through substance abuse. Anything to keep me away from my reality and my head.

I can't tell you that this will definitely work, but I started being creative again. I picked up my guitar (which I stopped playing for 4 years), I started writing poems and creative short stories, I started drawing. And soon I found myself feeling better, even though if it was just a little each time, it started to accumulate. It was a platform to release all my emotions. I started to feel mentally free again.

I started to exercise again, and slowly converting to a slightly healthier diet. Its gotten to a point where nowadays I go to the gym every monday - friday, and cycle every weekend - only having one cheat day for food. I started to care for myself more, and I realised how exercise was like a drug! All these endorphins and dopamine rushing through my head. I feel mentally stronger and started to appreciate myself even for just going to the gym itself (no matter how crappy it was at the start - now I like to push myself when I exercise).

It has been 4 years since I last smoked a cigarette (which was when I first told myself I was fed up with the way I was feeling), and only drink on special occasions. I'm not saying it's an easy journey, but the light is ahead.

I keep telling myself that whatever emotional struggle I am facing, it isn't dangerous to me. Whatever 'bad thing' happening was just a chute in a chutes and ladders game. The game/story isn't over - this is extra special for me because I thoroughly enjoy creative writing now.

I'm not saying it will particularly work for you, but maybe try doing something creative? Even if its just 5 minutes of randomly sketching, I find, is very therapeutic. Maybe it might lead you through to exercise too.

I hope this can serve at least a little helpful.

All the best,

Sincerely

Hi @screaminginside,

Welcome to the forums, I am really sorry to hear just how incredibly difficult things are at the moment, you are really courageous to reach out on the forums for some support and I hope you find it helpful. Thanks @kjegm for sharing your own journey of how financial pressures and family stress can impact mental health and the things that have worked for you.

@screaminginside, that heaviness and disconnection, withdrawing from socialising, and feelings of shame sound so difficult. I'm really glad you have reached out on here. It is very understandable that the pressures you are under and the difficult experiences with your family and your mother's illness have impacted you. That is a lot for any human being to have to manage.

I do not know if you have any history of getting support, but a GP that you trust can often be an excellent place to start. It is often good if we are experiencing something very difficult to book a double appointment so that we have time to express what has been happening. Your GP can also then do a 'mental health care plan' with you if you would like which means they can then refer to you 10 subsidised sessions with a psychologist, who can talk with you about what you are going through in a confidential space.

As @kjegm said, these are options and you can decide what suits you best, however it does seem like a really difficult time, and often people find that sharing with someone (whether professional or a trusted person in their life) can be a good place to start in getting help.

You have also done an amazing and brave thing sharing here, please continue to use the forums if they are helpful to you. I am also giving lifeline below, they are availble 24/7 to call for anyone going through crisis or struggling with feeling overwhelmed.

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Take care,

Tortoiseshell

Thanks so much for sharing!

@screaminginside. Wow you have so many hard things you are dealing with right now.

I'm also someone that used to self medicate with alcohol to 'get through' the moment. You are right, it stops working as a 'helper'.

I'd suggest you book in to see a psychologist, one with experience in your mental health diagnosis. If you don't have a psychologist - your gp can make a referral for you.

It sounds like depression may be hanging along side you at the moment. So some therapy and/or medication may be the way to help, for the time being.