All alone in lolliepop land

@lolliepop, here for you if you want to talk xx

Here for you too @Lonely xx

are you ok @lolliepop

Well today i went to see my doc after not being able to get out of bed the last month. She is going to change my antidepressant that i have been on for 4 years. FINALLY. Its going to be a fast change over. Which is what i want. I cant deal with this anymore. I dont even want to leave the house anymore. I find it hard to look after the kids. And now i have even more health issues. When does it ever stop.

Last week i ended up in hospital because of doing something silly. Im the ambo with lights and sirens, passing out. Not good.

Whatever happened last week is in the past now @lolliepop and all you can do is look forward to today and then the next one after that. It is great that your doc is changing your meds - hope that gives you some relief from how you are presently feeling. Thinking of you Hon

thinking of you @lolliepop and sitting with you

hi everyone. i havent been on here for a while.

a fortnight ago on new years eve, i did something that i never though i would do again. i ended up in hospital in an induced come waking up to new years day. then i was sent to the mental health ward. i colud not even sleep because they couldnt even get my meds right. i was so angry with the staff. the first night i had 2 hours sleep with 5 different trumatic nightmares. i just couldnt shake them off, of me. it was horifying . and it was all about my past to.

my family kept on saying to the psychiatric team that i should be in there for 3 or 6 months because of what i had done.

but they cant keep you that long. so in the hospital i arranged with family that i would move out with my kids and find a house and just have a break from my hubby. that was all well and good untill i got home a few days later when my hubby said to me that im not allowed to take the kids, im not to be left alone with them. they were kicking me out of my house with no money. i was heart broken.

hubby and the kids left the house and i started to pack all my shit up, i had no where to go , so i started to put it all in the shed. i just thought to myself, if i have no where to go then i will just have to stay in the shed. so i set up a mattress on the floor and got all my shit out of the main bedroom. the first night i was in there, i just wanted to die. i thought , why should i even bother now. i have lost everything that means the world to me and now its all been taken away because of my f**ked mistakes. i couldnt stop crying. i just didnt know what to do with myself.

i just thought if it is like this then i may as well do it properly this time and make sure it is the end. luckily for my sake my night meds kicked in and i fell asleep crying to myself, rocking back and forth.

when i woke the next morning , my head was still spinning. i didnt know what to do or think. i lit up a smoke and made a coffee and sat on the edge of the mattress with my head in a tumble dryer.

after a few hours , i asked for my hubby to come home so we could talk.

he came over and we had a long talk. i was allowed back in the house but i was not allowed to have axcess to the kids over night without someone being there.

now, i was happy with that, because i was still at a fragile stage and the kids needed me to be strong and i wouldnt let them wittness anymore of my shit. so i thought that was fare for now anyway.

so i have had them most of the time over the last fortnight. some nights they have slept at my sister in law house.

i have just been excepted into the NDIS so hopefully in the next few week i can have someone come and help me do the house work and learn how to cook good meals again. thats how bad it has been the last few months, i cant remember how to cook good dinners.

i have lost my one and only friend so i have no one to talk to anymore.

i feel so lonely and lost most of the time. i have been sick the last week. so thats been hard with the kids to. they just want me to be better for once. to be a good mum. i love them so much but it feels like im letting them down all the time. and i really hate myself for it.

anyway....

if there is anyone around to talk to, that would be nice

Ohhhhhhhh my @lolliepop we are her for you my friend xoxoxox

@Zoe7, @outlander, @Sans911, @Lonely

That is indeed a lot you have had to deal with @lolliepop but you are still here and still fighting Hon and that says something to me - that you want to be there for your kids and you want to be the kind of mother they can be proud of. Keep reaching out for support and accepting it when it is offered - I hope you can get some of this with the NDIS. In time that trust will come back and things will settle down within the family and you may find that bond between you all becomes stronger as a result. For now do what you can to look after yourself and the rest will come Hon.