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Complex Shame

Janey208Casual Contributor17 Aug 2018, 9:07 am AEST

Complex Shame

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Alcoholic father, uninvolved mother. Married an extremely abusive man for 20 years. I have tried dealing with the underlying issues which affect my anxiety, depression and PTSD. Bit by bit I have been putting myself together. I’ve managed to raise two happy and healthy kids who are on the whole confident individuals. But this has often been at the expense of myself. Now that they are adults I have searched within myself for that last thing which stops me from being who I am.

Eventually I found complex shame. Feelings of not being good enough. Not worth loving. It has kept me from being all I can be for far too long. I have isolated myself from people for fear of getting hurt or worse rejected. Maybe they will see me and just know I am worthless. Logically I know this isn’t true. But a lifetime of being told this is hard to undo. I am planning a series of roleplays with my counsellor to try to undo some of the damage done to me. Maybe some of you can relate to feeling like this as well.

Wish me luck as I try to put the last parts of myself back together. It’s scary but exciting. The thought that I may walk down the street one day without the shame that I am me.

Janey

3 replies

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In response to: Complex Shame

Unknown userMember17 Aug 2018, 4:50 pm AEST

Re: Complex Shame

Welcome to the community @Janey208

I'm Margot, nice to meet you.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. Understandly, it's had an impact on your sense of self. Shame is a really common expereince for people who have experienced trauma and for people living with a mental illnesss too. Some of our community members have shared their experiences with shame @here and here. Please feel free to jump in on any of our discussions in the forums. If you'd like to drop in and introduce yourself to the community, please feel free to do so here (completely optional) too. I'm glad you decided to reach out to the community. I do hope you find it useful.

It sounds as though you've got a great counsellor on your side to walk with you as you start to put the pieces back together. I wish you all the best with your recovery 🌻

In response to: Complex Shame

Unknown userMember17 Aug 2018, 5:12 pm AEST

Re: Complex Shame

Hi @Janey208 - I also grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive household and do understand as peer to peer through life experience how this can have a direct effect on lowered self esteem and worth. To have raised two children into healthy and confident adults is a "major achievement" under the circumstances and noteworthy of praise. See your inherent worth here. There is no harder job in the world.

I personally experienced the above, but not a sense of shame. Although adversely effected psychologically, mentally and spiritually, and felt "different" and somewhat lost then and devalued then - I always had the insight that it was not my fault or my shame and placed that on the abuser or those who treated me bad. Perhaps taking that perspective with yourself and working on acknowledging your worth building a healthier self esteem with the help of the right professionals - will enable you to open yourself up to others who will love and appreciate you for you. Remembering that the rest don't matter.

We know deep within who we truly are and if we value our integrity, strengths and good heartedness over reflecting on negative putdowns or unjust character assassinations, that puts shame to flight in good time. Step by step. Be proud of who you are and your achievements. Learning to believe in ourselves will see us walk down the street with head held high. Letting those who truly deserve the shame label to wear it and deal with it 💞

In response to: Complex Shame

SaharaSenior Contributor17 Aug 2018, 5:50 pm AEST

Re: Complex Shame

Hi @Janey208,

my name is Sahara. I too, have suffered from fear of rejection and feelings of low self-worth most of my life. I grew up with a very 'difficult' mother and also endured a long relationship with an ex-partner who was a manipulative liar. I still shy away from using the term 'abusive', to describe the treatment I suffered.... I don't know why. Perhaps I try to 'normalise' my experiences so I don't feel as bad about them.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression, too.... of course this was a direct result of my experiences growing up and also enduring a bad relationship... but sometimes I brush off my depression as a genetic 'glitch'...

When I read your post, it sounds to me like you are on your way up! Good for you. This journey you are on is not easy and it takes time. It sounds like you have come very far.

Being who you truly are is something that eludes most people, I think. I know I am a lot better than I used to be... but, still. I can absolutely relate to you. x

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