being a perfectionist

Yes, yes - I am feeling exctly the same - Everything I create for business / friends / sports/scool events for my partners childrend, needs to be checked and re-checked, for it to be perfect to pass on to collegues / friends /ex-wife of my partner! I believe it to be so normal, I love post it notes / highligthers and always use them to make everyhing clear to make everything is as perfect as possible, before passing the documents onto other concerned.

You are not alone - this world, I believe the world needs people to encourage their own encouragment to know detail / organisation is all aspects of life. x

Hi lisajane,

i was a perfectionist and i am not now. It takes a lot of effort and I am still organised that's my personality. Just take one step at a time.

I would say to myself, does that floor need to be washed every Friday, what if I sweep with a dry mop all the dust on the floors and wash with water every 2 weeks. Let's give it a try only 2 people live in the house. So I did and it was ok.

I would clean my teenage daughters room all the time as walking past just drove me crazy with all the stuff on the floor. My first step was to just close the door, now I just throw stuff into her room and ignore the mess. The rest of the house needs to be neat and tidy like I want it to be. It actually feels good to pick up all her stuff living around the house and through it in her room.

It just small steps that will take time. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's your personality and that's who we are its not worth stressing about.but it is hard...you will get there just persist with small issues.

Wisewomen

I guess I must have some perfectionist traits.

My mother once mocked and me said I was trying to run my family like a Bach fugue ... my ex husband did not think so ... by that stage I didnt have a clue what to think.

I certainly try to do my best in many things I consciously attend to ... yet there is also an anti-perfectionist in me.

I dont believe in perfectionism per se ... there are simply too many things to do as a mother to do all of them perfectly ... just pick your fights ... your focii .. your standards.

Actually it aint possible to be perfect anyway ...

Some of it is pride ... I used to say "I cut corners cheerfully" when I would not keep to a concrete path ... some people do look down on that ... to me its hilarious now ... though when I was more needy for friends ... it hurt a lot ... but we cant please everyone.

Take care ... some of it will be instinct ... as @Wisewomen says dont be too hard on yourself ... either way.

Hi @Former-Member

I think I've been a perfectionist from the age of 5. Seriously, I had parents that always wanted us kids to be the best at everything. Non stop pressure growing up.

I look back now and wish it had been different. That we had been allowed to fail at so many things.

These days I still want things to be right but I make mistakes and I move on. Heck, everyone is allowed to make errors, that's a part of life.

I have had to take a bit of a back seat to being perfect all the time for my own mental health. When you have anxiety and other things you really become aware of just how much you need to look after yourself and you absolutely need to make yourself slow down.

Now, if something doesn't get done on a particular day I know there's always tomorrow to make it happen. When the weather is nice, I get outside and go sit in the grass and just take a time out. When something pops into my head that needs to be done I might write it down so that I don't forget but I don't jump up immediately anymore and do it.

Little things like meditation and calm time really help to slow you down a bit. I found a great app called Calm that I downloaded for some short meditation sessions. It's really great and easy to use.

It does take practice because you get so used to running around and not slowing down. You need to make yourself go slower. You need to take lots of breaks during the day, just 5-10 minutes to go grab a drink, take a walk around, clear your mind, go outside in the fresh air and just breathe for a while.

Once you start forcing yourself to do these things it becomes much easier and then after a while it will be second nature. You won't have to remind yourself to take a break or slow down.

Make today the day where you start taking some more "me" time. It was also greatly help with the anxiety. Think about what is causing the anxiety and reverse that or stop it altogether.

Don't keep feeding the anxiety if that makes sense.

You aren't a failure. Nobody would think that of you and you shouldn't think that about yourself either because it's just not true.

The last 3 weekends I have tried to do next to nothing at all. I have just been chilling out, getting over the week of work I just had and it's been absolutely wonderful. Normally the weekends are chock full of stuff to do or places to go but I've just decided that I'm doing none of that. I have really noticed a difference in the benefits of clearing my schedule. It has been peaceful and I'm loving it.

I wish you a really great, slow, relaxed day today. Just breathe and find some calm time.

Hi @Former-Member

I can definitely relate to what you describe! I have always considered myself a perfectionist. It's something I've been trying to shift over the past couple of years, and I think I'm gradually moving in the right direction!

Like you, I can find it difficult to start things because my standards are so high that it is anxiety-provoking to even contemplate putting something on the page. This leads to procrastination, which further increases my stress.

Perfectionism is strongly linked to "black and white" or "all or nothing" thinking, so trying to develop a more nuanced, balanced perspective can help take the pressure off. For me, I often put tasks off until I have a whole day to do them, thinking "I'll get it all done in one go", then when the day arrives it's too stressful because I might not be able to finish. Doing little bits more regularly is a more effective approach, that I'm gradually working on incorporating into my routine.

Another thing I've found helpful is developing self-compassion. That is, treating yourself with kindness like you would a good friend. If you catch yourself thinking "I'm not good enough", imagine what you would say to someone you care about if they were in your shoes. From reading your messages around the Forums @Former-Member, I know that it would be lovely supportive things, and that is actually the most helpful, because it takes off the paralysing pressure, and maintains feelings of self-worth.

I like what you've said about reconsidering the utility of infinite polishing - that's one for me to remember and challenge myself to step away from!

Thank you everyone, I'm so glad that i'm not alone, and that people 'get it'. I find it interesting that we are able to pick out where its come from and interesting that its different for us in some ways. I'm not sure that i was a perfectionist growing up as such, but failure could have severe consequences at times. I think it really began once i got out of uni and realised how much responsibility i suddenly had to large groups of special small people and then entered into some leadership roles where other adults were relying on me and such like.

My anxiety is really over the top at the moment, though i have been repeating my mantra that 'this is just anxiety and i can do this anyway' stuff... I have so much to do tonight but I think i'm going to try and set a time limit for each area/topic that i have to do and have another look at it tomorrow. Its a sharing night at staff council tomorrow night though where we have to go over our planning together and I'm terrified of sharing. But i have got to sleep tonight because im feeling like a zombie (without the urge to bite/eat anyone!)

The black and white thinking stuff makes sense to me... and so does the self compassion stuff... though ive not been great at that in the past and have tried to work on it before - and perhaps shoudl again...

Thanks again @Kiera80 @Appleblossom @Wisewomen @RoseRuby @Shimmer for taking the time to message,

LJ

Just one other thought that has helped me ...

I will probably misquote but I "think" I read in The Passionate Marriage":

a concept about anxiety in a crucible ... burning it down to produce the best of us ....

blah blah .. something like that ... my anxiety is severe and physically visible most of the time ... but it helped me to find a good reason for it and I whipped myself for my anxiety less ... make sense??

It is the great generals that actually agonise about the soldiers they send to death ...

Good leadership is important.

Just dont pile on too much responsibility on one set of shoulders.

Thanks @Appleblossom - i'm 'a work in progress' i keep telling myself - i think thats a little bit of kindness lol Theres a lot sense in really appreciating what is in ones own control and not, what is truly important and what's not so important or dire... i think i tend to treat everything like its so importnant that if its not as close to perfect as i can make it the world will start spinning in reverse and throw of the graviational pull of the sun sending planet earth into a black hole... im smiling - but im so exhausted after 3 weeks of work and i know that its my own fault - and that i cant keep this up. oh well - the earh is still spinning for now! lol

LJ

Of course you are exhausted from going back to work @Former-Member ... that is not a "fault" but a consequence of a courageous decision you made.

Yay Einstein was right about gravitational waves.

Ultimately time will tell how much you can keep up, but you are a committed teacher ... and the world really does need committed teachers... best if you can last the distance. You my well have a set up that works and after term I settling is over you will take it in your stride.