how do I NOT take it personally?

I am aware that this might be something of an obvious question but have you spoken to him about how all this is making you feel?

Not when he is at his worst, but when he is at his best.

Hellooo @MindfulGal

It is heartbreaking when our loved ones begin to change in ways that are confusing to both them and us. Can I ask if yor partner is in his early 20s? The reason is that is prime time for onset and diagnosis of major mental illnesses. Getting a diagnosis from a pdoc (rather than a GP) may be wise, as depression is often a symptom and not the final diagnosis; sadly it often takes a crisis for patients to seek help.

But I deviate, your questions are can a relationship survive and how not to take things personally.

I can only speak from my experience but will deliberately start with your question of can a relationship survive? It is far more conplex than what I will go into but sadly many relationships fail, irrespective of mental illness, statistically however adding MI, the odds for success are reduced as among other things the paranoia and delusions of the unwell person involve their partner, they can withdraw socially, behaviours can be odd and the list goes on. Having said that, it is possible to have a good partnership and I remain married after 34 years, most of them happy (but some very difficult).

Most loving relationships that survive are when the patient takes responsibility for the management of their illness, involves their partner in their treatment plan and the well person treats their partner as an equal in their relationship, learns how to cope with the illness and how to manage their own happiness independent of the relationship (none of this pie in the sky 'you complete me' nonsense). This has definitely been the case fir Mr Darcy & I.

Looking back, I think we have always been the types that have encouraged and supported each other to have our own interests which probably held us in good stead when he had his mental health crisis 17 years ago. For a while there I did get lost in his mental illness; it has been a slow process and time will tell if I have not got back into some things as my priorities changed or if I am still affected by the events around his crisis (which involved an attempt, resulting in injury). Additionally we place a high value on marriage; we want to grow old with each other.

It is very much a learning curve about how not to take things personally. Caring for anyone with a chronic disorder can be a rocky road. Growing resilience, looking after ourselves and ensuring we have our own things to keep our own cup full is all important and is called 'self care'. Placing the responsibility of our own happiness on our partner is a recipe for disaster.

I will tag you in some self care threads.

Hi Darcy.

Your response is very erudite and comprehensive however I feel that you hint at a very important factor. Whether this behaviour is a result of some mental condition on the part of either person involved or whether this is merely the arc of an unhealthy relationship.

This is an important factor in this issue and I feel that it has yet to be established either way.

In that regard, communication is a very important factor in any relationship and I think it must first be esatablished whether a line of communication can be opened with regard to this issue.

I wish to make it abundantly clear that I am not talking about apportioning blame but more about acheiving a certain level of awareness.

@MindfulGal @HughManatee

Communication is ever so important in any relationship as is accepting our own humanity and that of the ones we love.

I can say that when Mr D first became unwell I was confused by his behaviour and did not respond in a healthy manner. As I learned how to do this our relationship improved. Not that I was unsupportive, quite the contrary - just did not know the 'right' way of helping.

I totally acknowledge that you are coming from a place of experience and I also understand that we have a tendency to relate others experiences to our own experiences.

I am coming from the other end of of what I understand @MindfulGals experience to be.

However, despite @MindfulGals detailed relating of her position, I still feel that I don't have a good enough understanding of her situation to draw any kind of conclusion.

,

At any rate, I can't help but think that we are talking around @MindfulGal and I would need to get more information (such as the answers to your queries) before I can form any further opinions.

Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply.

He is not in his 20s, he is 51. And this shift in his behaviour is new. I don't believe it's about the relationship (please believe me when I say that I have traditionally had very little tolerance for anyone treating me with any kind of disrespect) as in the last few weeks I've witnessed him snap at his 15 year old daughter in ways he's never done before.

He has not had a formal diagnosis of depression as he's working with a coach, not a therapist. But they have identified that he is exhibiting depressive tendencies - not enough to be considered clinical. Unfortunately the tendencies that ARE being exhibited are irritability, less joy, increased negative attitude and heightened self-centeredness. This manfiests sometimes as blame (e.g. he won't take responsibility for his part in things), skewed perception (e.g., he hears something very different from what I'm trying to communicate) and self-loathing (e.g., when I do something kind for his daughter, he makes it about him not being as good a parent as he could/should be).

Anyway, your point about wondering whether this is the arc in a failing relationship struck a nerve because we've only been together a couple of years and we aren't married. So if this keeps up for any length of time and I don't see him at least TRY to help himself, I imagine deletrious effects. I know how to take care of myself and how to make sure my own cup stays full - I fortuanately have wonderful relationships with friends and family, so my pressing need here is to learn how to better not take things personally while also not being a doormat. I am conscious of the need to be responsive, not reactive, and to honour myself most of all. But I love him, and I have been through my own round of depressive tendencies, so know that this isn't really "him"...

I feel like I'm rambling and not sure if I've made any sense. But there it is.

Thanks, again, for your kind attention.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond so comprehensively MindfulGal. Your post was most informative and certainly not rambling.

The reason why I chose to engage with your issue is because it brings up so many ghosts for me.

I was in a similar situation as yours only it was I who was doing the disrespecting; it was I who was experiencing a debilitating depression that affected a relationship to the point where it disintegrated.

I still vividly recall a certain particular time when I was standing, staring out the window of our third floor window at night, being overwhelmend by a feeling of total depression, despite also being aware that my life could not have been going better.

I didn't understand it then, and I still have difficulty understanding it now.

All I can say is that I felt I had reached a certain level of self awareness that was frightening to me.

I sense your confusion and I myself strongly relate to that confusion as I am having

Hi @MindfulGal

I always think as a carer that one should not ignore gut feelings. There are a number of medical conditions that can mimic psychiatric disorders so if your partner is willing, a once over at the GP may be worthwhile to rule out another cause for these changes or if there is wisdom in getting a professional psych evaluation.

I hope for you that it could be a temporary rough patch, sometimes I wonder if life coaches remind people of what they have not achieved and bring discontent due to perceived failures. Please don't feel that this suggestion in any way diminishes your concerns, indeed, my husband had a late onset diagnosis, he was in his 40s when his MH deteriorated. I was totally ignorant and had no idea of the seriousness of his condition.

Once I learned about MI, and Mr D's diagnosis, it meant that also learned appropriate responses and substantially reduced 'expressed emotion'. I have learned what to let flow under the 'don't take it personally bridge' but there are still things that sting, such as the dreadful way Mr D spoke to his twin brother recently following the death of their father (felt quite mortified - pun intended). As Mr D is so rarely unkind, I have only needed to say that something was not acceptable on a couple of occasions.

Hope this is of some help to you.

Darcy

Hi @MindfulGal

I can relate to much of what you said having cared for my daughter who suffers mental illness and displayed much the same mood swings and characteristics as you described with your partner. My own mental and physical health was suffering as a result. It's impossible to not take nasty, aggressive disrespectful words to heart - and we should not have to.

How did I cope? I let my daughter know that I loved her and would always be there for her but I made it also clear that I would not tolerate disrespect and set boundaries in the home. And at times had to carry out the consequences for breaching the latter. It took time, but she learned that I meant what I said and now does not cross the line, controls her outbursts and shows much more respect - creating a household where all can feel safe and live together in peace; where "everyone in the household's well being is respected".

It is very important to set boundaries - most mental health websites advocate this for the above reasons andalso for the well being of the sufferer - getting away with bad behaviour that crosses the line does not help their character, relationships, outside endeavours etc either. I hope things settle for you both sooon.