Human relationships

Thanks for sharing this @Whiteknight. I like your approach, of think about friendships in terms of your own unique gifts and challenges, rather than trying to squeeze yourself into a socially determined mold.

For me friendships are very important. Though not without confilct, the benefits outweigh the challenging aspects. that said there have been periods of my life when I preffered my own company, so I think its natural for these things to ebb and flow...

Others? How important is friendship to you? Are they more stressful than helpful? What makes a firendhsip healthy or unhealthy in your opinions? And what helps others build positive relationships with themselves?

Hi @Whiteknight@Former-Member

I have only 2 very close friends. Even though I think they are close I don’t tell them how bad I feel about when I’m suicidal or sh. I remember a few years ago I was telling one of these friends things about my depression and Bpd snd she turned around and said “I csnt hear this anymore. You’ll have to stop telling me”. I was completely shocked and upset. How can a close friend say that to me.

Lstely ive become withdrawn from my friends. I don’t tell them anything anymore. If they ask I say I’m fine with when really I’m not.

Its hard to trust friends.

I wish I had a good friend where I could honestly and openly talk to them and when desperate I could ring them. But it’s not the case.

Hi @BlueBay. In a way your post typifies our challenges and hurt. I'd rather be alone now that risk the hurt, such is my sensitivity level.

Some of us have a need to lean on others and we think this reliance is what a friendship is about. Unfortunately for us others dont feel the same.

My estranged mother would spend most of her time with friends talking about her aches and pains. Her friends slowly drifted away. A friend would prefer to visit and have lots of laughs than visit and leave sad and depressed. That might not satisfy us but it is the way it is.

I had one friend about 10 years ago, a single guy 10 years my senior. Unfortunately he would talk to me in a teacher to student manner. He was slim and one day he lectured me about my diet and what I should eat. That ended the friendship.

So our mental illness isnt always why we cant maintain friends, but it does present another hurdle to jump.

I wrote a post but it got lost in the bowels of the forum somehow.

Short version is .... its not always mental health issues that effect friendships.

I really do need to say unrestrained expressed suicidal intention is an extremely difficult thing to manage hearing about.

My first was with a school friend and I was 18 seemed to have my act together as I had a good job, bf and own flat. I could visit her at hospital and be kind and encouraging to her, but I really could not carry an endless amount of it. I cared, she had professional support, was dominating me, my energy was spent on paying my bills and being responsible in a crazy world, not complaining and bitching about people. I volunteered, spent time with my bf on phone lines and with link up visiting people who were depressed. So yeah, that was BEFORE my brother and sister were having their own psychotic episodes and being found in dangerous places/and/or states of mind. I used whatever I had in my training towards helping them out. Arranged holidays.

What I did not know is HOW advantaged everybody else in the world in comparison to us. I know that now. I was terrified they would die, it is a huge pressure to put on family and friends and MH workers.

I am an old lady now and have witnessed shocking use of cutsey gf friendships to put others down, play exclusion games etc. I dont take it personally, as its not always been about me.

The whole topic of friendship is one I approach with caution. I wasted 4 years of therapy focussing on the topic and finally she fessed up she was lousy at friendships, but still wanted $100 per hour. Big Deal I was getting a discount .... in marxist, medical or theraquetic terms ... there was no value. So now I am watching the taxpayers dollars (again), as well as my own.

I have spent 30 years watching parents set up and manage friendships for their younguns, the dance/sports associations and parties sleepovers. SO when people boast about having friendships, since kindergarten, I am more likely to burst out into peels of laughter at any self righteousness about it ...

Last week I met an old gf for dinner. As she said, "we had fun". I am not hanging onto it as she always had more money and relationship but poor at scholastic, where I had the opposite. It was always the only thing I had going, which is really weird given both parents also had mental illnesses. There you go ...