Support needed, support given ~ no religon or politics please...

Hi Gorgeous @Former-Member....

Thank you for thinking of me

Happy ALWAYS & I hope 2017 is kind to you....

I still don't know what my intentions or hopes are for this year.... I guess I just will keep reducing the medication, go to yoga, aim to get running fit again (but not interested in fun run events where I will see old running "friends"), keep doing my best with what I have, try to worry less about people who don't matter, keep loving my partner....

Thank you for seeing strength in me....

I hope you can juggle working less, finances, kidlets & your mental health this year @Former-Member - YOU are strong.

We will both just keep doing our best....

We spent new years eve watching a TV series - we saw the new year in - it was nice to not just go to bed for a change.... I had a bit of a breakdown at 9 or 10 & my partner reassured me....

@Appleblossom We live near Toowoomba - where we live gets hotter than Tbar too.....

No dental pain at the moment, but I had a dental assessment of my whole mouth on the 18th (after being on the waiting list for apx 18 months - much longer since I saw my private dentist in Brisbane), so yeah I need 6 fillings & I hope they don't drag it out over too many months... I am booked in for a clean on the 18th January...

Wishing kindness to ALL in 2017....

Ahimsa - Namaste,

Anna

Glad your new years was mostly pleasant. Your goals sound good! Hope that you can get back into running, in what ever form suits you best.

I can't seem to make any goals, too many unknowns and just nothing feels... achievable i guess.

hope you've had a good day,

lj

Hi anna @Former-Member

wrote a post but decided it was too much to post. im not in a good head space. i just cant see any future at the moment which is half the reason i cant think of any goals or that anythig could be achievable.

i hope that your mil learns to keep her mouth closed lol... and i'm really glad that you ate well, despite how hard it must have been. Its probably good that your partner was able to describe to her how it affects you and what things are like for you. only a few more days till your appt, hopefully that will help clear soem of the worries (at re pregnancy). Maybe while youre in town you could do something nice for you?

The running is achievable and it may help you to get through the med reductions? coudl this be part of planning that you do with psych? (But its also not the end of the world if you stick to yoga).

I get what you mean about reducing the paranoia via putting up extra walls, not letting people in close. I'm good at putting up walls.. but also understand that it limits your ability to be supported. I don't know any answers 😞

kids are being terrors to each other today, over tired and over stimulated after all the excitement of the last few weeks. need to get them ou of the house i think

lj

@Former-Member

My ex had a lot of dental issues and there was a bit of discussion about it being partly due to meds .. eg a side effect .. talk to your dentist to establish whether the teeth enamal has been weakened etc .. dont want to upset you .. but as you are a vegan .. I am assuming your sugar intake hasnt been out of this world ..

Take care of YOU Bella

hi @Former-Member

means so much that you take the time to reply when i know how hard it is. I'm feeling pathetically low as well.

I email my psychologist, because im too pathetic to talk to her in person, but then i think i say too much in my emails that i usually write when im overwhelmed. but at least she knows where im at when i do see her. i see her again mid jan. I used to be scared about my support worker emailing my psychiatrist but really he doesnt ever do anything except offer to up dosages and i say no thanks. really feeling like theres just nothing. been reading a lot of teej's posts and i feel exactly the same in a lot of ways. im scared by things that are going on that i dont want to write about. my psych said i'm not 'broken' just completely exhausted. but it feels... worse than that. i dont know.

I'm guessing that you're right about whats been upsetting your digestive system but i can also understand how the paranoia thoughts take over. I think you'd be a great mum and will be when it's time.

With your psychiatrist can you ask her outright about the things that make you wary of her? And if you still feel like she's not really what you want could you change? I know that might not be an option, there's no one other than my psychiatrist i think, who bulkbills through public system.

I like reading your posts, so please keep writing, i never feel as though you're ranting or blubbering on.

here with you

lj

Hi @Former-Member....

I can't find @Former-Member's posts - I went to Night Shift & read she had her own thread, but can't see it... Oh, it must not be in "enjoying time with others" - sending hugs, kindness & strength @Former-Member

Thank you for your kindness @Former-Member

I did ring my psychiatrist before xmas & try to get reassurance that if I do have a complete break from reality that she will not just immediately put me back up to maximum dose of the antipsychotic & undo 2 years of really really hard work. She said she wouldn't & I think I believe her. I have felt on the verge of a break a number of times in the past months as I have mentioned before. I don't want to change psychiatrist or psychologist, as I am absolutely exhausted of telling my story over & over again.... Also with my psychiatrist I feel she is willing to reduce my meds, but most psychiatrists would have upped them & even tried to give me more again by now. At one stage I was on 6. I can't remember if that included the pill.... I feel she is willing to help me, as I have a goal to be off them to get pregnant & she specialises in helping women who want to get pregnant take the "safest" medications. She does not bulk bill, but all the ones that do seem not to be affiliated with a private hospital - this is a problem, as if I do have a break - public WILL increase dose back to maximum or completely change my medsif plenty of past experience is anything to go by.... (I once had a public psychiatrist I came in contact with on several occasions strongly offer me one of the most dangerous antipsychotics & he said would you rather be sad & skinny or happy & fat - no med has made me remotely "happy" & with an ED history I can't imagine ever being happy or content with being fat...) Anyhow, she is extremely expensive to see until I reach the pbs safety net, so for the next 6 months I won't be buying many 'extras' - I just hope I can sneak in some sandals if sales are still on not next fortnight (next week), but the one after.... I'm going to re-read some novels like I did for the first 6 months last year - I still have half of John Grisham latest & another one I brought a few months ago - Shelter.... plus I have some I brought at lifeline bookfests - I usually go for novels based on movies at the bookfests, as I really only have one author - John Grisham - who writes a lot of books that I read - other novels I read I research recommendations through articles about popular books and recommendations based on what I have enjoyed on a website goodreads.... it's a bit random my selection - random modern literature, dystopian, movies I've enjoyed or that I want to see & John Grisham.....

My psychologist doesn't always reply to my emails - I queried her about it recently & she said it was unethical to conduct therapy via email because the needs are unclear or something - I've never heard this one before & don't know as I did not get to ethics in my attempt at a psychology degree - it is 4th year & I only got to some 3rd year courses... Other psychologists in past have said they are too busy to reply to emails & a psychiatrist who was charging me a concession rate said he would not reply to emails because I was paying less.... Does your psychologist reply? Please don't worry about saying too much to her - they do need to know where you are at... Do you mean you don't call her or talk less in the session? I have developed an aversion to talking on the phone..... & I always feel like I have to rush anyhow, because they are busy & you aren't exactly paying for that extra time.... Sorry, I don't think I'm being helpful... Do you ever feel it is weird that you are paying people to care? I didn't at first, but now I have for some time....

I strongly felt I was broken for many years - it was my partner that kept telling me I wasn't - most of the time I don't identify as broken anymore - I identify as traumatised - I feel like my trauma is undeserving of such severe, debilitating mental ill health & believe I have repressed memories of abuse from my childhood.... countless doctors & psychologists have thought I was sexually abused & even my sister thinks something went wrong (can't remember exactly how she worded it) I don't believe in the chemical imbalance theory & think only a small part of some mental illnesses are to do with genetics - I mainly believe it is trauma... You have mentioned some trauma in your childhood as well as with your ex, so maybe if you can & if it is helpful or possible - instead of thinking of yourself as broken - think of yourself as traumatised?

Thanks for thinking I'll be a great mum - my psychiatrist said my partner & I would be good parents because we put ourselves in other peoples shoes.... so, empathy.... I hope so - I worry about being too poor to give them all their needs, but I know I would fight hard to give them the best chance possible - I know I would look out for their emotional needs, as my parents didn't for me & I know that it is so important....

I think I have been writing for a hour - I have this "problem" of proof reading too much what I write most of the time.... It caused me a lot of grief in high school & uni, as I would be so worried about getting it perfect - it was just too much stress.... I don't worry so much about grammar here, but I worry about if what I'm saying is "right" or "okay" or "makes some sense"

Anyhow, I'm tired now..... Was up till 12pm last night watching tennis....

Sending strength & kindness to all....

Ahimsa - Namaste,

Anna

Hi Anna

your psychiatrist sounds like she has really listened to what you would like which is fantastic. I do understand your worries re public hospital. i felt that from the second i stepped into the ED it was about medicating me into oblivion. Though back then i was just in public hospital as we didnt have a mental health unit... but now there is a mental health ward so not sure if its different for people there now. It does seem that there are many psychiatrists out there who are just so focussed on medication/medicating that they lose sight of the impact that it has on the individual. seem to just see people as part of broad groups of labels than being individuals. My psychiatrist did warn me that i would put on weight with meds he was prescribing but he was also really ok with that. (but i'd lost a lot from stress.. lose my appetite when im low).

yes, im the same with not wanting to tell about my life any more. so many people already 'know' or think they 'know' from all the reports and things written for family court. i do just feel broken, traumatised yes, but like there is something wrong with me to stop me from ever really being able to get better.

my psychologist replies sometimes, depends on how busy she is i think. though im scared that everyone is just getting sick of my ups and downs and had enough of me having complete flip outs over things that happen. i have worked so hard over the last few y ears to do everything that they've suggested re looking after myself, getting exercise, fresh air, having daily goals etc. but it just never lasts long. ive had a lot of support from a mental health support person as well... so i know its just me being defective in not getting better. my psychologist once said something about me resisting treatment, and i cant remember any of the rest of that conversation... it was said kindly and im sure made sense etc. when im trying to talk about hard things i feel like ive been paralysed. and i cant talk on the phone either. i can occasionally make a call if i have too but answering the phone has become too hard.

Sorry, im not sure i'm a good person to 'chat' to. And i don't edit too much or i'd never post anything lol. your writing is great 🙂

lj