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Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

autumnmoonContributor03 Aug 2018, 12:04 am AEST

Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

Hello all,

What a blessing finding this forum, and all of your posts, has been. To go from feeling so alone, so confused and so hurt, to seeing that others are experiencing the same thing is such a relief.

I have quite a predicament and was looking for other's opinions. Apologies in advance if I get a little too wordy in my story....

My boyfriend - or ex boyfriend? which I shall explain in a moment - was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. The diagnosis and all of my reading gives things over the last year so much more clarity. I feel so much for anyone experiencing what this brings to a person and their loved ones lives. It's heartbreaking to watch.

We have had an overall lovely relationship. It blossomed from a six year friendship and was off to very smooth sailings. I believed I had really found the man I was going to marry and build a life with (I am 32, he is 35). During the first 6 months I saw him struggle with depression, but it never largely impacted us or the relationship and we worked through all of his ups and downs quite quickly. I believed we were forming a great foundation for a long-lasting relationship. When early March of this year rolled around, I saw him fall in to the deepest, most crippling depression I had seen. He pushed me away, didn't engage and wasn't functioning well. Three days in to it, he called me and said we couldn't do the relationship anymore, it just wasn't going to work and he was struggling because he believed he still had feelings for an ex and felt very guilty over the way things had ended (which weren't terrible by anyone's standards). I fought for him the first couple of days and then backed off. I gave him support and kept my distance, but still engaged when he reached out. Two and a half weeks after, he came back around and started sending texts and calling, saying and showing all of the right things in words and actions: I've made a mistake, I didn't do the right thing, I should have talked to you about my problems, I should not have removed you from the equation but I was scared that you wouldn't understand and would run from me and my problems, etc. Through a lot of hard work, communication and rebuilding trust, I believed we were moving forward in a good direction.
We had the next 3.5 months of the bliss that I saw in the beginning of the relationship and the aspects of us that I craved regaining.
In the middle of June I felt a shift. He was becoming more depressed and the spells were lasting longer. He was no longer capable of functioning much in social situations, he was falling behind at work, the house would go uncleaned and he didn't have much motivation for anything. It seemed every other week he was asking for space, which I would grant, and he would slowly pick up communication again over a few days. I spoke to his mother about it, as she was the only one he seemed to communicate with, and she said it was awful seeing him struggle on and off through the depression. He was seeing his counselor and trying to do everything he could. I was as supportive as I could via text or in-person conversation; I kept his house cleaned, his laundry done and did most of the cooking for him; anything I could do to eliminate as much stress and chaos, I did. During one of his sessions, his counselor began speaking about the possibility of him being bipolar, as he was exhibiting so many symptoms. He was sent to a very attentive, well regarded psychiatrist, but as he was booked solid, he had almost a month to wait until he could finally be seen and the medication process begun (which was only just this last Tuesday).
During the month of wait, everything got worse. His anger increased. He would say things I would never imagine him capable of. He was drinking more. He wasn't doing much in the way of productivity. And he was continuing to pull away from me and keep me at a distance. Of course, throughout all of this, I was also being asked by him (and his family) not to give up on him. He wanted to get help, get medicated and then ask nicely when his head was on right to have a fresh start and forget everything that had happened and move forward. I knew it would be a tough road from things I had seen and the research I had conducted, but I was still hopeful and still very fully commited and dedicated to him and our relationship. Which I still am.
A week ago from this past Monday, I upset him in the morning and got a phone call later that night. He was saying the total opposite of everything before - I told you I can't and won't be in a relationship with anyone, I need to do this alone, I'm sick of hurting people, etc, etc, aaaaand ended the conversation by telling me he was still struggling with his feelings for his ex, that he could see something as simple as her car somewhere and it would throw him in to a tailspin and make him wonder and question everything; that he knew I was perfect for him and there was nothing wrong with me; that he could go to bed one night thinking he had everything he ever wanted with me and then wake up feeling completely different.
To say I was/am shocked is an understatement. Add to that hurt, confusion and heartbreak and it has made for a very long week of a lot silence from him (minus one 2 hour phone call) and a lot of building hurt and confusion.

Whew. After that long winded story.....

I'm looking for guidance. I'm also looking for anyone who can understand these ups and downs. I desperately want to wait for this man and to help him through, but I am also thrown by this indecision between this other woman - who cheated, his family didn't trust, has caused hell for us with her lack of boundaries and so much more - and myself, who has been there for him through so much. Through my reading I see that this can be an issue for those who suffer through BP, but I'm confused as to how it plays in to our relationship.
I'm stuck and lost and feeling very hopeless. I'm not speaking to many of my friends about it because I don't think it's my place to share this diagnosis until he is more comfortable with it. They all have a horrible opinion of him because they are missing a big piece of the puzzle with the story.

I was so thankful to find this site as I struggle through my own what ifs and what do I do questions. I am hopeful that he'll realize what he's done, as he did in March, and come back around because I truly love him and want to continue this relationship, but I'm lost.

Thank you to those who make it through that novel. This is all so tough and I don't know how to move forward or what to even think.

x

13 replies

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In response to: Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

autumnmoonContributor05 Aug 2018, 1:15 am AEST

Re: Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

@CornyThank you so much for your kind words. They certainly mean a lot.

I have tried to be the most patient, loving and understanding partner I can be, and am trying to hang on to those attributes for the moment, until I truly know what is going on in his heart and mind. It broke my heart when we had our first "episode", of what I thought was a break up, and had to hear him say all of the things he did: that he thought I would run, he was scared of what I would say or think, that it was easier for him to turn away than face those realities. How heartbreaking! I hate that the stigma exists. I cannot tell you how many friends - the very few who know at the moment - have told me to run since he received his diagnosis. Even removing the romantic side, what kind of friend would I be to say I care and then run? It's just not in my heart to do so.

I think the point you raise of him acting like the 'cliche mental health patient at times in his dealings in relationships' is so very interesting and something I have struggled with. I am not saying this to pat my back or give myself hope, but a lot of the time when he was feeling open to discussing his woes and wanted to be vulnerable, he said his gravitation back to her came largely from the guilt he felt of the hurt he caused. I always found that peculiar, but it made a lot of sense. None of us want to hurt anyone, but I know I have the ability to process, compartmentalize, apologize and move on; when he enters these periods of hurt, I believe he loses those abilities, starts ruminating over the destruction he's caused and ends up with a drive back towards these people from his past. He's done it throughout his entire adult life and I don't know if/when it could change. I also have heard him express exactly what you said - why would any normal person want to be with me, you could have any other guy you wanted, I'm always going to be screwed up, etc. I can talk until i'm blue in the face, listing off all of his wonderful qualities and my devotion to them, but I know how mind is clouded and he cannot take on board all of what I say and feel as truly genuine.

Concerning the ex factor... I am completely on board with your feelings and expressed sentiments. I honestly wouldn't have such an issue with her in the long run, if she hadn't put us through abject hell from March until just a few weeks ago. Once she thought she had her claws back in to him around March, and then discovered he was working through things with me, she did things that no grown, mature person should ever do (and mind you, I'm 32, he's 35, but she is 48 and I would have expected far better maturity out of her) .... she would show up places we were to cause a scene; constantly text him, his family and talk non stop to friends about us, asking endless questions; she would show up knocking at the front door at all hours of the night (it happened on 5 different occasions); and she began coming in to a part-time job I had at a pub at the time to talk badly about me to other customers. IF none of that had happened, I wouldn't have been so intimidated by her, but her constant presence was tiring, on top of all the depression and heartache I was experiencing with him... and I honestly believe, everything she did, contributes to the feelings of guilt for him. She knew he was struggling, so I just keeping thinking to myself, " Do you want this man or do you just want to win?" because nothing she does exhbits any care or concern for his mental sanity and his boundaries.
(sorry for that rant).

I do want and need to get to a point where I know fully that I am not sloppy seconds. I think what keeps me holding on is believing in what he says and what she does. He knows full well that he shouldn't be with her, as he's told me so, so I wonder how much of what he exhibits in these moments of extreme low are really truth or not. And I'll unfortunately have no way of telling until he and I do have a chat. I'm trying to keep my distance so he can sort things out on his own without feeling pressured or pushed. I do not want to be with a man who puts me second in favor of another person who I do not believe to be the same caliber, and I refuse to stick around through the emotional turmoil that comes with fighting for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. Foolish or not, I'm trying to maintain my patience until he tells me he's made a decision and then I'll have to make my own decision. In the meantime - as you pointed out - I find it impossible to keep my mind on anything but him, all the what ifs, what is he doing and so much more.

I'm very sorry to hear of your own struggles, and then the struggle and heartbreak of taking care of people you love who also struggle.Life is certainly not easy, is it? I'm sending you lots of hugs.

Thank you again for taking the time to say so many wonderful, interesting and enticing points. It means so much. xx

In response to: Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

autumnmoonContributor05 Aug 2018, 1:16 am AEST

Re: Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

It certainly was great advice @Faith-and-Hope

Very lucky!

Hope everyone is doing well @Corny @Tiggeroo

In response to: Re: Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

CornySenior Contributor05 Aug 2018, 6:28 pm AEST

Re: Bipolar Boyfriend - Looking For Help & Guidance

Good evening @autumnmoon, @Faith-and-Hope, @Tiggeroo,

I'm sure you have has a restless weekend, thinking about him all the time. The love game is so hard isn't it. Are your boyfriends friends and family supportive of his condition? Does he have any mates that also have a mental illness that he can talk to and not feel ashamed.

I guess at the end of the day its only your boyfriend that knows how he feels about you, and his ex. From what you were saying it sounds like it was a tumultuous relationship he had with his ex, and if he doesn't regret ending the relationship, he regrets what went on in it.

Maybe it's about redemption. Like when ever he gets really depressed he ruminates on all the mistakes he's made and his deeply ashamed of some of his behaviour. So he goes back to her in a roundabout way to try and forgive himself.

For me coping with my mental illness sort of requires me to manage 2 parts. I have the job of managing the physicality of the condition itself, but the 2nd job of managing the shame is more exhausting in many ways because we feel so low when we are that cliche.

To fight against MI stigma and then to find yourself behaving in ways that are very intense, or failing to meet social standards or to be able to contribute to society through employment, you kind of feel like, well, the Liberal Party is right. All the people that treat us as second class citizens, and say "head for the hills" at the thought of being in a relationship with us are right. I am a doll bludger. I am a psycho. I am a drain. And if you can steal yourself you start to withdraw soclially beucase the first question you get asked whenever you are in a new setting with people you don't know, is that you are asked, "what do you do?'........"well I do nothing.........great. Sexy I know."

It's a vicious vortex of shame and self- loathing and its hard to like your life some days.

It sounds like his ex lacks a lot pf personal insight. That is so unhealthy to be turning up at random times of the night, embarrassing herself like that. She needs a therapist to help her with her 'attachment' issues that are triggered in romantic dealings. Not easy to do. And unfortuately they keep coming up. I know that love and hurt makes children of us all, I certainly am not above it, but she's gotta find some pride and deal with this in another way. Maybe your boyfriend feels guilty for her behaviour and he interprets it as evidence he has caused her damage, I'm not sure.

I hope you have a nice warm cuppa tonight @autumnmoon

Take care

Corny

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