Sorry I haven't been here.

I am so confused and stressed.

What do I do to help myself from sinking down the rabbit hole again?

It is really hard to concentrate with such a busy head and loud voices.

I don't want to give up.

@Queenie so sorry to hear you are feeling this way - I can't help with the voices or hallucinations but I can say that you ar not letting anyone down - this is a time you are needing to reach out for support and that is ok - we all have had times like this and you need to think of yourself first Here to say I am listening Hon

Hi Queenie,

I don't know what access you have to immediate support, but if you have a psychiatrist or GP that has been with you on this journey I would contact them straight away.

I know it's so easy for me to sit here and preach that. When a spiral gains momentum we sorta go into a freeze like-denial/despair state.

We are so sick of being sick. Fed up, and just can't imagine how we will muster the energy to endure this for how many years, decades. And I completely understand what it's like to hate your life. I have those times too.

I know that when my insomnia revs up my anxiety sky rockets. I am cold with fear because if it is persistent enough, I know where it can lead.

People who haven't experienced hospitalisation for mental illness just don't get that sort of anxiety. And we are the only ones that know our symptoms intimately. You get served out the crummiest, stupidest, most ignorant advice from some people. And they are often wearing gym gear or some sort of fashion Lycra.

There's also a lot of shame involved. Like we are ashamed that we are failing again. It's almost like we too, have internalised society's message that mental illness is weak, made-up, not quite real.

You have to have mercy on yourself and reach out for professional help. I know how scary that is, because the medical establishment can force you to hand over some of your autonomy....

......but I reckon there is a realist inside of you too.

You know that your condition is in fact a physical condition, that has been labelled a mental illness by morons that only understand it intellectually or in bogan-ish.

And underneath all the feelings of worthlessness and despair, there's a tiny part of you that still believes in your own dignity. Even if the doctors don't. Even if the nurses don't, or your family don't. You still do, just a little. In a broken-parts-way....but still - something.

I'm so glad you are receiving the NDIS this year. I bet its been a frigging nightmare to set up.

Take care, and I hope that someone in your health team is kind. It may take a long time to recalibrate, you will feel frustrated and inpatient, but hopefully not too long.

Corny

I've decided that tonight will be a no holds barred session with my psychologist. I will tell them that I am hearing destructive voices and they are instructing me to harm myself. I am NOT suicidal though and for the time being, I don't want to be hospitalised at all. I am also seeing shadows and cannot be sure of my reality but I am NOT really heightened in paranoia (except I am stressed out with a busy racing mind).

I hope I don't chicken out.

I feel like I am chickening out. What do I do? I'm really scared of being admitted, but at the same time I can't keep having nightly meltdowns or freak outs. The other night I screamed out in tears that I was losing my independence and upset the whole of my Mrs' family (my Mrs included). I am not like that. I am losing control, even typing about this subject upsets me and right now I can feel tears pricking in my eyes. My voices are constant companions - there's 4 of them. One likes to laugh and sneer at me, one is the devil, one is just a bully but is the ringleader of all the others and one sounds like an evil Marge Simpson voice. I hear them even in my sleep. I don't feel like I am walking around in the real world anymore, rather I am stuck in a parallel universe for some reason. It is like I fell asleep one night and woke up on the other side of a worm hole into this unreal world. Nothing makes sense. Colours aren't right and the food tastes awful. I am trying to tell myself this is all in my head, but it is so confusing and difficult to concentrate really.

I'm sorry I am not around much. I am reading posts though and you are all never far from my thoughts. x

I am sorry I can't help you much here @Queenie but wanted you to know I am reading and following along with you Hon - hugs

I went to my psychologist and told her everything. She really was leaning towards me going into hospital, but I flatly refused. Instead we have developed a safety plan (what for I am not sure as I am not going to harm myself) and I will go into a peer support recovery house for a week. Tomorrow I am to call my psychiatrist's office and ask about medication (even though he is not in until Friday). I am a little more relieved now but freaking out about talking to my pdoc. He can still overturn my decision and plan and order an admission. I'm not going though, I am steadfast about that.

Hi @Queenie,

You are so brave.

It is so, so hard to tell mental health professionals that we are slipping.....again. We feel ashamed and defeated and that alone can make us sink further.

I was so ignorant how long it would take me to claw myself out of my worst breakdown. But I guess that is part of it. We don't realise how sick we were, and we are told that it is merely psychological or the result of some inherent weakness, only special to us.

I can completely understand why you do not want to go to hospital. Everyone is different. Some people feel really safe and cared for in there, and can forget about home and just sink into getting help and focus on their recovery, without the pressure to put on a brave face. Other people, like myself, found it highly distressing, triggering and even traumatic. I would have refused to go too, but have a history of being very compliant.

I hope that your shrink is really understanding and listens to you.

Take care,

Corny

I hope your professionals can help settle things for you soon. i have taken to telling my voices and things i am seeing to straight up F-off it doesnt make them go away but it does make me feel slightly less scared of them..... i am sorry things dont feel real it is awful when that happens hopefully the support house is helpful.