Option-less

Hi @Goosegoosegoose

Wow 9 months old baby boy, such a cute age! My youngest just started school - im so sad lol and proud and excited for him too!

Welcome to the forums, i'm glad you've posted. I'm also glad that suicide isnt an option for you, though its not great that you're feeling like nothing is going to make a difference...

I was encouraged to take antidepressant medications and continue breastfeeding with my son... but my milk dried up within a few weeks.. and i wasnt really comfortable with feeding on medications either.. so not sure if it was me stresing about it that made it happen or the medications. For me though I wasnt devastated about not breastfeeding (though it is sooo much easier than bottles)... but I can understand where you are comng from and its good that you know whats important.

I'm glad to hear that you have a psychologist that understands and knows you well enough to be able to help you with decisions. Has she/he given you any strategies/methods of coping with the symptoms that are most bothering you while you are off medications?

I constantly go to the 'suicidal thoughts' when things go wrong.. I'm getting better at just noticing them and letting them go quicker now, so i dont think you're 'messed up', its just another coping mechanism i think.

LJ

I love your line that you are too much of a control freak to leave your child without a mother. Perhaps you could refine it into a some kind of a personal mantra to help you through the toughest times.

It was a similar feeling that kept me going. I opted for breast feeding over medications and dont regret it. Its great you have a good psychologist.

Welcome to the forums

oh yes, that age i felt like i spent mostof the time chasing after the kids saying no dont touch that its dangerous, no you cant lie on the cat, look heres your toys that you're completely uninterested in!! lol They are super busy once they get onthe move.

I was wondering if you'd be able to see a naturopath or talk to your dr about hormonal stuff, there might be a way to help with that stuff that wouldnt affect your breastfeeding or plans for more children.

I was also thinking maybe you could write down one or two things that are really bothering you at the moment and ask your psychologist for day to day strategies to help with those couple of things if she's not being specific enough?

But in saying that, parenting isnt easy anyways, some days are always going to suck.. but then they smile or cuddle you and its worth it somehow,

lj

Hi @Goosegoosegoose - there are always options, sometimes though we just cannot see them. I also live with Bi Polar. I am not a mother, have never given birth so am not experienced with this situation, but I do know hormones effected me immensely particularly around mid month and the days leading up to menstruating, It was nearly unbearable and I was certainly turned into a monster (wither a ravaging nash-nash teeth monster or a puddly crying monster or both at the same time) by my hormones. Hormones are really biochemicals - and breast feeding also creates biochemicals, so the combination of no meds, breastfeeding and menstrual cycle may well be a brain storm of biochemicals soup for you.

There must be options for you - and maybe your psychologist isn't up on what they might be? I feel for you - and I so get the statement you made " I'd love to commit suicide... But I'm too much of a control freak to leave my child without me as a mother."

For me suicidal ideation is usually an indicator that 'something in me needs to die" some idea, thought, ideology, the way I do things, a behaviour, the situation - if something is NOT working well - option A of suicide is OUT so - given you have ruled this out - is there some other way you can look at your own situation? Come up with a couple of things to do differently than what you are doing now. I hear that breastfeeding is very important for you and your baby, have you perhaps thought about when that is going to come to an end? Something to look forward to (with mixed feelings no doubt).

Your situation is temporary and transient, not permanent and pervasive. ALthough it feels right now like it is huge and unsolvable, that isn't true, there are always options, you just need some help to find them. Maybe PANDA could help refer you to a psychologist in your area who specialises in Bi Polar and Post partum depression? PANDA's number is 1300 726 306

I realised yesterday that to a very large extent when I am in a downer/depression/hopeless and anxious - That I shift into a place where I don't have my thoughts, my thoughts have me. That you reached out here shows how resilient and hopeful (underneath the burden at the moment) you are - You are doing the right thing by asking, keep asking. Keep hoping, keep loving.

Love your post @MoonGal. I don't have my thoughts, my thoughts have me. That's a really powerful realisation. Thanks for sharing it. This is what I love so much about the Forums. There is so much to be learnt from each others struggles. So much hope to be found amongst the pain.

Thank you