Lt72884Senior Contributor
dealing with the emotions of a roller coaster ride
Ello all, i felt i needed to remove the other post. it was on a day that i had to check myself into the crisis center so i ended up DUMPING ALOT of info about my situation and felt i needed to keep it more professional and private haha.
With that said, i am dealing with alot of emotions that i have not had to deal with before due to the roller coaster ride of a BPD relationship of whom the other person does not want to go to therapy at all or take her medication that she needs. They have been professionally diagnosed with BPD and parania. Though the doctor did not want to tell her yet due to triggers she is having. So he told me and it has been documented.
i have made the decesion that i feel is best for me and its been HARD!! my therapist has done a full psych eval on me. I have had many many many tests done and i have PTSD and some CPTSD along with devaluization depression. From what they told me, that is where a person is so used to being shamed, named called, told they are evil, a bad person, a lousy husband, that they end up believing it and living it. I was also told that i am very compasionate and that has caused a "savior" complex.
Following through with the choice i have made is difficult becasue there are so many emotions that come and go. For example, i used to feel angry about my situation(never hated my wife or resented her) and that anger helped me move forward with my choice. then i became numb and confused after more and more trama and fights. then after the numbness came the extreme sadness and heart wrenching pain were my heart is actually aching and feels so sad for my wife, then there is the stuck feeling because of denial, fear, self doubt and questions such as "is it ok to really take care of myself or is that the wrong thing to do?"
basically, im trying to continue on with my choice but not let the emotions of the I HATE YOU SO BAD, PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! roller coaster ride effect it and keep me stuck. She does not know about my choice and i have been told by 3 therapists not to let her know at all. i have a exit plan but these eotions are killing me.
thanks
