fuzzywuzzyCasual Contributor
Depression/Anxiety
I supposed depression/anxiety are two sides of the same coin. I find my depression worst in the mornings. I just have no interest in anything when it strikes. At its worst I wish i'm struck down by some terminal illness just to have a dignified, socially acceptable escape from living hell. I think unless you suffer from depression you can never fully understand what it is like to be in the shoes of someone who's depressed.
People say get up go for a walk do something. However depression completely saps your will to do anything. Your hold world is black. There is nothing to look forward too. Everyone's life is better than yours.
To give context I work in retail. Family business. A number of outlets in the family business. However year on year business is getting harder. We are a main street retailer competing against bix box operators with free parking. When the depression hits I imagine being penniless being forced out of business by the competition. Neither I or my siblings have any children. We are all in our 40s. The lack of offspring is another avenue of gloom for me. When i'm chirpy I imagine my siblings or I meeting someone and age doesn't loom so large. When i'm depressed I just think of our age and of my contemporaries who have families.
It's funny meds haven't worked for me. I find I slid down into the depression pit. At the bottom their is no light. I remember asking my frirend in all seriousness would she cope if I went. We are very close. It wasn't a cri-de-couer I was deadly serious and matter of fact.
I don't ever anticipate self harming. But I do find it alarming the difference between today when the world seems full of possibilities and the days when the black dog overshadows me.
I have never been someone to whom people are drawn. Aside from my friend with whom I have virtually daily contact I would rarely get an out of the blue text from someone. I live alone with my three cats who are my world except when the depression hits and hits hard.
Funny enough even in the midst of depression I never feel poor me. I simply feel helplessness. Utter complete despair. I particularly dislike when people say I know how you feel. How annoying.
FW
