Hate choices

Sorry sometimes when I see black writing and ranting gives me air.

Last year has been my biggest battle with depression. I came close to death numerous times but saw a little bit of light to seek help.

I've been seeing help weekly for a few months now and on medication. I was starting to function. I could breath, I could work and I could think clear. But I still did not fit in. I still felt like a mistake. I just felt like a functioning lost person. I just still didn't grasp life and how it works nor was excited by what I saw.

I'm now off my medication but still seeing my specialist to figure out the way I am and I don't like. He dosent know I'm not taking them. He won't talk to me about deep stuff with me not on them as I shut down for weeks. I don't think anyone really does. I don't like to have to be told this event has made me like this. I don't like things I could not control made me messed up. It makes me mad and think we'll it's not my fault so why do I have to fix it. Can't I sucker punch the idiots who did this to me and make them pay for everything in my life because of them everything's to hard and hurts me. Yes a lame weak cope out but that's how I feel.

I'm noticing myself turning into my old self but I'm also very in-tune what triggers me off and hiding from it. But at least it feels normal. I've also taken back to pain killers and self harm but again it's what I know and understand. I feel my screw everything and do what I feel is right temptation getting stronger. Last night I went a bit wild and upset my husband and I had a light bulb moment, I don't deserve him. He dosent deserve this and he never comes into my temptation thoughts. I shouldn't hurt him.

So I'm at a cross road. Be functional in a world I'm not accepted by or really want to be accepted by as people bore me or just live day by day and what happens happens and understand there's no turning back from the things I will lose and hurt.