What's it like for them?

I'm in a unique position. See, I have bipolar 2 and dysthymia. My wife is my carer. She tolerates me, comforts me and does what carers do and she does it well.

My wife also has depression however. While she has a bad bout, I could be- manic, depressed or neutral between the two. When I'm neutral I'm as normal as most people without my moods, rapid pacing or deeply depressed. Being neutral when my wife is depressed is about as close as it gets for me in a reverse role i.e. she being the patient and I the carer.

Over the years this has occured numerous times. I can tell you she is not a good patient, she can be...well...intolerable!! She also has OCD which makes things worse. I've learned what it's like to be handcuffed with what I can do to help yet I'm also criticised for not being sympathetic enough. My role is cooking every meal yet during these times my deeds are not appreciated. I suddenly have the TV on too high yet I've turned it down to the point that I'm a master lip reader even in Manderin lol. I wash the clothes and of course run the colours. My wife isnt unreasonable...she is like any other person mentally ill and it's tough to put up with. And she says the same or worse of me.

What I'm demonstrating here is what we are like to our carers when we are unwell. Most of us might possess insight into our illness which means we are lucky, but most of us really dont know what it's like for them in regards to our behaviour. We cant see it through their eyes, their personality, their tolerance levels. We are not "them" so we cannot judge the ease or otherwise of their tasks with us. So what can we do about this to improve our relationship?

We can learn what its like to walk a mile in their shoes. We might not know what they endure yet we can try to see it through their eyes if we simply ask. "I know I've been moody lately, I dont mean to. How has it been for you". "Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable". These questions allows them to take centre stage at a time when they have taken the back seat with us. Ask the question but dont expect to know the answers and please allow them to talk whether you really get it or not, the benefit is allowing them centre stage.

We might be important to ourselves but our carer is our priority.

WK