Victimology

Purely my own experience here.

eudemonism's post about victimisation has got me thinking about how my entire life has been spent in the isolation of focusing on how very few people I have endured the level and particular flavor of abuse that I have. After awhile I stopped trying to explain why I'm so different and strange, all the while searching for one single person that would hypothetically listen or possibly could understand and help me. I realise now that all it's accomplished is further isolating myself in a world of my own creation, where I'm always going to be unhappy and no one will ever understand. Proving that my own beliefs are real.

I look back now and laugh, because it was my abusive parent that said it best: "Instead of looking at all the ways in which you are different from others, why don't you look at the ways in which you're the same?" She wasn't capable of taking that advice, but it has stayed with me all these years.

There's a tendency to think that because no one has been through the exact same thing I have that the advice and techniques people offer and employ won't work for me. And, in turn, I've noticed that often, those who have had it worse than me can't use my life experience to benefit them, because they don't think I understand, or they're just as convinced as I am that nothing can change. And I'm not sure that any of us can truly, deeply understand anyone outside ourselves, but we can draw on similarities to stop alienating ourselves and find hope. Feels like that's what this place is about.

It's sad that the very thing we've been told, that we aren't worth drawing breath on Planet Earth, is the very thing we feed ourselves once we are on our own.

I've thought I needed a plan tailor-made to my specific condition. And sometimes I think it's more important for me to feel like something novel than to feel better. And depression doesn't want you to feel better, so...there's that. But the older I get the more I realize..everyone's experience is unique! That makes us common in our uniqueness, and that's what I should focus on.

I've secretly wanted someone to say "No one is in as much pain as you and it all could have been avoided had this person not did this to you, so you're off the hook. And my pain is nothing compared to yours! " Thanks, whoever, for seeing that. Now I can go on being unhappy and be justified for doing it. Ha! That is my victimisation!

It's like putting a rainbow together with all the colors that are unique to me. And black is my favorite color, and no one gets that, so I've been like no I don't need those other colors you're offering. But black looks so good with purples and greens and blues. And yellow. Oh, and red and orange. And the more I let other colors in, the more I like what I'm seeing.