my life.
im going to start of with my mothering
i dont think im a good mum infact i think im bad.
i go to bed at night time after taking my night meds at about 7 or 8. i have an extra med that really puts me to sleep if i have been having trouble the last few nights. i start to set my alarms....... yes ALARMS. not 1, not 2, not 3 not 4 not 5 but 6 alarms just so i can get up for my kids in the morning. they are set for between 6 and 7am. most mornings i manage to get up by 7. but its a struggle. i feel bad because i dont even say good morning to them because most of the time they are fighting about something.
so i get up and get dressed. take my morning meds to get me going for the day. ....... well i wish they would. anywaythe kids get ready for school. they pack there own bag. make there own breaky. dress them selve.
i feel like i should be doing more for them. but all i do is make a coffee, go outside and have a few smokes. then go back inside and ask them if they are ready and have everything organised. they say yes and sometimes no so i do help help them when they need that help. then i get another coffee and go back outside.
i feel really bad as a mum. i should be doing more. i know there are getting older now but still maybe every mum goes through this. i dont know.
so sometimes i take them to school if i have then energy and sometimes i dont. and then i feel bad about that to. even though we live accros the rd from the school. really i should at least walk them to the gate just to make sure that they safe. but im even to lazy to do that. anything could happen to them and i wouldnt even know about it.
now thats being a bad mum.
so when they go school, i have this struggle in my head.
should i go back to bed, should i do some washing, should i do the dished, should i put dinner on early, should i vacuum and mop the house. its just endless. all these thing i have to do. all these things that go though my head and its so draining what is expected of me. what the kids want me to do. what my hubby wants me to do . sundays i think its me time but hubby gets pissed off about that. whats wrong with that. i love spending time in my room. its my day off. just the same as hubby having a day off from his work.
i think that it fare.
then theres me
i wake uo with feeling of not knowing if its going to be a good day or a bad day. like i said , i get dressed and take my meds. then deal with the kids. then they go to school. then its just me and me only. me and my head. im left with my head. i dont know what to do with it. its so confussing. sometime i dont know what im doing. some day i just sit outside and then the day is gone. but where has it gone. i dont know where. its just lost like my head. other days i can manage to do a few things and think wow, how did i do that. then theres days were i just break down. i cant shower, eat, sleep, just lay in my bed with my head going or i should say spinning around in my head. and it doesnt stop. it just goes on and on and on. hubby tries try ring but i cant answer his call so he worrys about me. so i just message him back saying that im fine.
i get out of bed hoping that today is going to be a good day. i really do. and sometimes i get that but others i dont.
then i look on life
when i do my day to day stuff, i have no family to do it with. no friend to enjoy company with. i have no. no to talk to. no one to spend time with. and now i see i have a pretty lonely life. i do everything by myself. no help from no one. i cant even talk to my family anymore because they just talk shit behind my back. so i dont say anythin g to them anymore.
when will i have an easier life
when?
when will i have friends
when will i have be able to trust my family
when will my mental illness ease
when will i start to be happy
