How do you let it go?

I guess he cant break it down into his fear of you doing a things as distinct from you actually doing it.

it is a sad and very difficult situation to live with. It takes courage and patience. Not sure what the best thing to do is.

I saw my exhusband today .. we have been separated 15 years ... he just waltzed into my house .. it was civil ... I commented on how skinny he was looking .. as when I met him he was overweight from too much hospltal food and antipsych meds ... we all make different choices based on our different circumstances ... that is just a bit of my story.

Good Luck @Cat64

Thanks @Appleblossom, yes it does take courage and a whole pile of patience. The courage bit is daunting...our next over night trial will be a telling time of how I cope I guess.

Hi @Cat64

Thanks for updating us on how things are going with your hubby. Following your original post here, I wonder if @Former-Member and @Shaz51 would be keen to hear the update too.

It is good to hear that he is starting to sound a little bit more settled on the phone now. That you have had an open discussion about the future of your marriage and that he has agreed to couples counselling down the track. If you are concerned about how he will react to a longer visit, I wonder could you make that transition a little easier for you both by visiting just for a short time? Eg – coming by for lunch, or even in the afternoon for a cup of tea?

In terms of how to ‘let go’ of his accusations towards you when he is unwell... I’m sure that isn’t easy. I have not been in your shoes specifically, but I know from dealing with jealous people in the past that there is no point in trying to "prove" your innocence to another person - it can be extremely exhausting. I wonder, do you feel free from that sense of obligation?

I wonder how did you cope with this last time he became unwell? Did you have any strategies that you found helpful that you could utilise again?

Thanks you for your commenst @Former-Member.The idea of short visits sounds good, but in theory not practical as I live 2.5 hours from the hospital, so a long drive for a short visit and work commitments don't allow me to stay up there anywhere.

As for strategies - I don't really have any other than trying to stay calm and not react to any delustions G may still have concerning me.

It was suggested by his 'Official Visitor" yesterday that he try and get permission for a one week home leave. The team today aren't too happy about that due to what has happened that last two times we have tried. He is in the Intensive side of the unit right now and they want him to have some trials on the other section for a few days before any more leave is granted. He is involuntary so we have to go with what they want.

Our discussions on the phone have been quite coherant this past week and he is sounding alot better, but as I have said he seems to be able to do that well on the phone. It's the extended periods of time when things seem to slip.

I am feeling stronger in myself again at the moment. I just hope I can stay that way when he does come for another trial stay. He understands that if I am not comfortable with any of it, I will take him back to the hospital, so that's a good thing.

As for me feeling obligated to "prove" my innocence of accusations - I have learnt that it just doesn't work, so need to acknowledge that what he is thinking must seem real and hard for him to handle, but for my reality it is not happening. Well from what I have read, that's what I need to do.

Hello @Cat64,, I have been thinking of how you were going with our hubby ?

Thanks @Cat64, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, Thanks for updating us on how things are goiing

Hi @Cat64,

Do you think that G might be having these thoughts because he has sensed a change in attitude from you and is afraid of losing you. If you have been struggling yourself he might be picking up on this and filling in the blanks inappropriately. Sadly it seems that some behaviour which can be the result of fear of losing you might end up driving you away. Sounds positive that you have had a conversation and brought things out in the open.

I haven't reread your other thread but I think you shared that the last outing included a funeral. I am not sure how close you were to the person. However this must have raised the stress levels for both of you.

I think letting go is hard especially when the hurt comes from someone you trusted and they can not understand let alone apologise. Forgiveness is necessary though for my own well-being. I think you mentioned that you are an artist. I do needlework which helps me relax and process.

Cheers

Yes @Former-Member you are on the right track there, and I have mentioned this to G. He has not be able to work for 25 years now and has found this extremely difficult. This in return knocks his seft esteem down all the time. he sees other men out and about doing what he used to be very good at, I go to work and socialise with many people as well. The idea of seeing my attitiude change is on the money as well.

We are lucky in the sense that we have always had a very open communicative relationship, and when he is struggling or feeling 'not good enough' he will voice this to me.

Yes the funeral did knock him around, and he was quite close to the gentleman. G lost his brother a few years ago and we have had alot of loss over time, so funerals will always brings these memories to the fore and if you are already struggling, in hind sight probably better that he didn't go - but then that creates it's own demons.

I have had a lot of practise with forgiveness in my time....stemming right back from my own child hood traumas, but that's not for this site. I can forgive Garry for things he has said, as now that I am getting stronger and he is improving it's a bit easier to do.

It's been so nice to be able to get my thoughts in writing on this site and have feed back and support from others. It makes the journey just that mush easier.

Another update - Garry won't be home today and we thought for a few days. He is in the open ward to see how he goes with more people to interact with, so will see how that goes and maybe next week some time we will try again.

Kind regards to you all

Glad you are clearer about your situation and feelings. @Cat64

Forgiveness can be very important and perhaps if you get good MH support and hub can manage his fear without projecting it onto you ... things will progress steadily.

@Former-Member Is astute and has many good things to share.

Take care. Apple