psychoticNew Contributor
Hopeless
I am struggling with what is real and what isn't. I have been extremely stressed and life feels very overwhelming. I realized I would drink to feel normal and to be tolerable for other people to be around. Now I'm 2 months sober and not on any antipsychotic medication.<br>I'm remembering a lot. Old feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are coming back. <br>I started having the exact hallucination I had 6 years ago. I thought federal agents were doing surveillance on me (given they did come and raid my apartment at that time and a neighbor confirmed that with me), I thought a gang was trying to recruit me, they would come to my house, try to break in, put spyware on my phone, changed my wifi password, talk about me during phone calls, one time they left a crushed up Coke can in front of the front door, left an end to a black and mild in front of my front door another time, one guy would talk with me at the front door (he came over 3 times every few days). <br>Now I've felt like this gang and associated gangs have been following me when I'm walking, on the bus, put spyware on my phone (I hear people talking about me to each other on a few phone calls, static, like there's weak signal, the person I'm talking to voices is distorted to where I can't understand them or like they are talking quietly, my wifi password got changed even after doing two factory resets on my phone), I thought it was them or the Feds in my apartment a week or so ago and I stayed outside for literally 5 hours because I thought they were going to end me with the sharp weapons or cords around the apartment or the Feds were going to arrest me. One day I stayed upstairs for 4 hours, not moving because I heard a woman say my name and say that I was here then the doorbell rang a few times. I grabbed all my food and camped out in my room. With a spoon, cutter, plate, can opener, sponge and bottle of dish soap. I keep hearing the doorbell, knocking on the window and door, someone trying to force my sliding glass door open, I'm getting spam texts, I feel like other people know what I'm thinking, I feel other people give me signs and messages from my higher power because he works through people. And the gang members came and were talking about me and to me through my window. <br><br>When I look at stuff I see it but over it there are a bunch of lines, colors and patterns and it's really bugging me to read my phone. This is usually normal for me but it's bad now. <br><br>I feel hopeless that I will be able to live life without some form of meditation or daily drinking. I don't want either and I don't want to feel this way. It's lonely, people don't trust what you say, I don't trust me, I feel uncomfortable around people I just stay away. They seem to feel uncomfortable around me and then I feel uncomfortable so it's a battle. <br><br>I don't want to be on antipsychotic medication because I feel stupid on it, I sleep too long and too deep, life seems mundane. Blah blah blah. I also wonder if I wasn't on a high enough dose this last time. <br><br>If you can relate, how did you cope with it? Did you find antipsychotic medication helped? Did you ever find hope for a not so lonely life?
