The Truth of our Existence

Hi @Former-Member

I don't know if anxiety is really mental illness - or maybe it's a matter of degree but for me my anxiety is certainly not serious - I can control it and think of it rather as emotional discomfort - and seeing as I have had this in varying forms for my adult life - it's part of me and I would not change it

My Chronic Pain now - that is different because it can take over my life and I use a lot of different things to cope with it - medication and meditation - and I have had it for over 20 years so it's really hard to remember life without it - and had I thought about it when I first had it I wonder how I would have felt then - now it's part of me - as MI is part of you I guess - I have learned to live with it

In fact many years ago I rang Life Line and it so happened I was speaking to a woman who was a GP and I liked what she told me and remembered it ever since and apply it.

What she said was that if my chronic pain was taken away I might die of culture shock and I think that might be true - and thinking on I could apply that to other things that have happened and are now part of my life, I included many things because we are made up of what has been in our journey - we add it to what we started with - nurture/nature

It is an interesting question - thanks for asking - I will be interested to read what other people have to say

Dec

It is interesting that you put this question forward @Former-Member. Even in my younger years (childhood and teens), I was seen as 'eccentric'. I guess these eccentricities later manifested into a mental illness in adulthood is all and I was slapped with a diagnostic label.

If I could take away the soul-crushing depression, I would in an instant, but it shapes who I am so to do that would, in essence, be losing part of myself, so I don't think I could wish it away either. I've been doing a lot of research into schizy-type people and how we seem to share certain characteristics in childhood (like unusual postures and what parents like to deem over-active imaginations). I had both of these, I used to stand in the corner limbs outstretched behind me bent over talking to imaginary friends. I did this as soon as I could walk and talk (hence my "eccentric" nature). I also used to obsess over the oddest things and treat them like a passion (I still do this today).

I guess to sum up what I am trying to say, even though there are times my mental illness has almost ended my life prematurely, I don't think I'd change it.

@Rare 😢❤️💜❤️💜🌹

@Former-MemberWhen I had my mental breakdown largely triggered by grief it was agony. Not a place I would want to be in again - so I kept doing my best to dodge the pitfalls now. I had anxiety then that was debilitating and much harder to cope with than the depression - its daily dread lead me to despair. A trip to hell and back.

But I would not have changed that experience as it has made me the person I am today. A more compassionate person whom can relate to those who are in pain. A person who has brought good from that experience as it not only has made me stronger but given me a greater appreciation for the good in life, the love in it and taught me what was really important in life. It made me whole. No longer do I waste my life on what is meaningless - but what is meaningful and my life has much more purpose. It has shown me that miracles can happen as coming back from that darkness was against the odds and I nearly lost the battle a few times. It has shown me the power of hope and that good wins in the end.

I still have pain, have lapses of depression and anxiety, but the inner peace, strength and love I carry inside far outweighs the suffering. It brought out the best in me now - being empathy and forgiveness. Without that experience I would be an empty person chasing the wind. No regrets - it is a part of my existence that brought out the best in me.

Hi @Rare

I don't think your message is a "poor me" - I have memories about my son's death and there are times when I wish they would go away - though over time they are less

But they are part of me and I think of him every day - and why should I not - I think about my living daughter every day -

I also believe though - as hard as it is - our grief honours those who have died

But - I do understand - the good memories are painful and the bad are terrible - I have a lot of that myself

Dec

Hi @Rare

No one want to be a bereaved parent - it is a bad place to be - and I can assure it gets easier with time - I don't think it will ever go away - it's over 30 years for me now and I am okay most of the time but I have patches and anniversaries are always tough - as are birthdays - other events and then memories than can suddenly hit really hard - I do understand

About being blunt about such things - I rather think it is honest - it's the way it is - what other way can be deal with it - pushing things under the carpet causes elephants in the room.

There are people who understand and there are other people who will never get it - my own family hasn't been helpful - no one wants to be "upset" - such a shallow expressions - who wants to be upset? But what about us - we have lost a huge part of the future - so hard

To me you have said nothing obscene - I think you are expressive in the way to present how people see their bodies and the reality of mental illness - it is dissonance when carry on "normally" when surrounded by our reality -

I had a lot of professional help through life - my son had some kind of MI - he was tormented and I now know he is at peace but I have had a hard time getting to a reasonable place at times - were you the main carer for your daughter - and now is the help you need because of your loss? Even as I ask I know there are many and complex reasons for life and what it does to us.

Flashes of joy are hard to hold on to - it would be your daughter's 21st in a few weeks and her anniversary soon after - is the PTSD? I don't know but one thing I am sure of is that PTSD is something that can cause some kind of clarity - because things flash at us and we either grasp or refuse those moments - but they are impressed into our memories and it takes a lot of time to focus more naturally - or gently - time to get the sharp edges off the truth that is so brutal

I gather you have not had much understanding though this trauma - help varies - my suggestion is to hold onto your right to grieve - to weep - to be honest with yourself about your feelings.

People here have been accepting of my loss and the upcoming anniversary - middle of July - and on a date unknown - the death of one of my first cousins - next week -

I hear you - I understand - another suggestion is not to be hard on yourself - as I go through this rough time I focus on self-care - it's a good thing - we all need to care for ourselves

You are not alone - as I said - no one wants to be a bereaved parent - but since the beginning of time there have been bereaved parents yet it has never been natural

Sending hugs

Dec