Hi @MoonGal
Every mother-child relationship is different and as individuals we make some decisions that wont reflect in other peoples similar situation. So having said that, I'd like to explain in detail the struggles I've had with my mother so it can assist you in making decisions. Some here already know my issues but I'll repeat them.
I'm 62yo with a sister 5 years younger. My older brother 3 years older, we 3 grew up in the western suburbs of Melbourne. As a child I didnt see any issues in our family. Dad worked really hard and mum was the homemaker. They came from Tassy as my older brother had diabetes type 1, far too complicated for Tassy doctors in the 1950's so we went to the mainland. My mother came from a farm and she had a brother. In those days the son was favoured, at least given farming opportunities she never got as she was a girl. Those old fashioned days she took her husbands name and therefore it was up to dad to provide, but he came from a poor family. So resentment arrived at an early age for my mother and never waned.
As children we were nurtured by mum, us boys though werent, dad was wonderful but only cuddled our sister. This nurturing from mother was so appreciated, seemingly nothing could break that. Then at 26yo my brother took his life. Even with excess sensitivity, lots of crying, I didnt see anything wrong with my sister and I. From around that time onwards my mother changed, understandably in many ways. But she was now more domineering and even at 28yo she tried to force me not to date certain women she didnt approve of. By this time I'd spent time in the military, a warder in jails and a private investigator. It all became too much and my sister and I separately began to break off with her for periods of up to 12 months.
I was getting married in 1985. Mum had organised a tupperware party. Inlaws and friends purchased a lot. One week before the wedding my fiance arrived at mothers house to collect the items. Suddenly everything blew up over a minor issue. My mother assaulted both of us as we escaped from the house. She refused to release the tupperware "until you return to apologise" and so on. I had to get the police involved to retrieve the wares so it could be distributed. They all came to the wedding, it was ruined. The air was thick and the looks from my mother was hurtful.
Dad passed on in 1992 and by 1996 my sister broke from all of us for 7 years after our mother reported her to the authorities for being an unfit mother. She was a very good mother, it was revenge for yet another small dispute. I became the perfect son, painting her house, landscaping and so on even though she lived 4 hours away. I was the golden child for a long time. Then suddenly I hadnt painted the spare room correctly, didnt blow up her tyres fully, wasnt a shadow of my father and so on. It was odd and shattering. She also began to interfere with how we raised our children and had numerous secrets with our kids. Clearly she became bothered. My sister and I both now (2003) diagnosed with anxiety, depression and bipolar. Two out of 3 daughters of ours also diagnosed the same. I then realised my late brother likely had bipolar when I reflected on his behaviour. I began to assume mother had an illness but she was in denial and wouldnt seek help.
In 2010 about to marry, my second wedding was about to take place in a few months. Another family fight came about. My mother rang my daughter to tell her that she planned to ruin my wedding to be held in a park. It was the last straw. I obtained a AVO to make sure she wouldnt arrive at the ceremony. She didnt but I worried most of the time until it was over, sad. I mentioned all this to my psych and to a friend. Both individually mentioned narcissism. As I began to read about that I came across an article by Dr Christine Lawson called "walking on eggs shells" extracts from her book of the same name about BPD and the 4 characters she believed made up the BPD mother. (For anyone suffering BPD please dont take offence, if you are getting treatment then I dips my hat to you but my mother didnt and still wont get treatment and her condition is chronic). Those 4 characters (google- queen witch waif hermit) is exactly what my mother portrays- all 4.
When you have someone in your life that is destructive, manipulative, go to extraordinary lengths to revenge you even though your disputes are of a minor nature, it can be that your relationship could be terminal. Had my father been alive now my sister and I would have lost him also. So many members of a family have destroyed relations with their other family members due to one person. I havent mentioned the disputes over wills and lost documents.
We haven't seen her for 7 years now. My sister and I have had 7 years to finally become close, a luxury we never had prior due to mother dividing us. Every day I still think of what could have been had she simply been a doting grandmother and kept herself out of issues that didnt concern her. I've read articles about how its common that BPD originates from a young age around 6-8yo and that emotionally they dont mature. I've also googled - children of borderline mothers. It's revealing and educational. My difficulty is that my mother was a nurturer. Had she not been it would have been easier. We grieve for that nurturer that turned into a dreadful character. We've lost half our relatives through lies and manipulation. I read about narcissism too and found that breaking off is the best solution. If we returned to her life now, even though she is in her late 80's I'm certain she would after some time revert to her ways. I have a female friend of 13 years older than I that I treat as my mother. Ironically she is friends with my mother also. She doesnt understand my mothers treatment of me.
I can never accept my mother back in my life.
Our decision is the lesser of two evils.
