The agony of living

@Rare I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a daughter and I cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope you got some rest and can be in touch with your friend today. It's good you found the forums, even in the worst possible circumstances. Hopefully you can find some solace here - the people are very supportive. I wish I could offer more, my heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry for your loss @Rare - it is grief that is agonising. I understand. Have you thought about grief counselling to help you through this? Or support groups with others who have suffered losing a child ? There is no greater pain. I am glad to read that you are getting some sleep, so important. Thinking of you and sending a hug.

Thanks for your reply @Former-Member

I agree that grief is part of the agony but there is more than grief. I have felt grief when my dad died (he brought my sisters and me up from a young age after mum left). He was lovely and I still miss him. However I am glad he was not alive when his granddaughter Abbey died. Abbey was extremly mentally tormented at the end of her life (at age 16) what she was unable to know was that the torment does not stop, it simply passes to the ones who love you the most. Her cat cried at her door for 6 months and I am going to carry her forever. This is not about guilt - she was litterally unable to know the outcome and felt she was a burden. She was Not a burden, she was amazing, stubborn, social, clever, difficult, her mental illness was a challenge but her life would have had good times. I have learnt to have fun in the spaces and sometimes allow the guilt of living while she does not to wash over and keep going.

I hope this is not too triggering but some things should be spoken.

I do have PTSD with flash backs and night terrors, I also have depression but am operating albiet at a lower level of competence than before. Sometimes I do not wish to adult any more, the responsibility is too much. Abbey's only sibling, my son Jake, is 22 but will need to see me carry as best I can. There are certainly times when I just want it to end. I have to remind myself again and again what I have learnt.

@Rare there is not much I can say. I am so sad for you. If it helps to talk here, I'll be around off and on. Take care.

It's not a natural grief.....And Yes it does pass the pain on. I am so glad you are talking @Rare and sharing this, it is important to talk about and I do relate to what you are saying.

My daughter had a near fatal attempt a year ago - and she still has mental issues. She is still causing us concern and heartache , long story. I often wish not to do adult anymore, but yes, we have to remain strong for those we love around us. Sometimes it's just about getting through the day....There are groups for survivors of loved ones who suicided - not for everyone but some find it supportive. We are here for you anytime you want to talk xx