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Fed up wife of Borderline husband

marie11Contributor17 May 2018, 1:12 pm AEST

Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years and we have been together for 9 . He had a very rocky relationship with his family which he blamed on me . In his defense this is partly true not because Im not a good person but because the didnt want him to get divorced much less meet someone and remarry . So I did not appreciate the true story of the terrible texting , manuipulation and such that went on , until all his relationships were completly destroyed and it was turned upon myself. Here were are 8 years later . I worked 6 days a week 10 hours a day ever since we were married . Basicially I paid all the bills because he was paying off credit card debt from his previous marriage . So here we go I paid off his debt, cash flowed us , bought a house on the beach , furnished it put in a pool and was looking forward to retired life with my husband . During our entire marriage hes always the victim he was long suffering because of my work hours (he forgets that he put me in the position of sole breadwinner) constant demands to quit work be home in 30 min or something very bad could happen . If he found out any of my clients names he would stalk them , accuse me of having a affair with them and demand to know how it started and ended . I would be forced to drop them as clients for fear that crazy would be in their world soon . There was no appeasing my husband . He spent the money I made freely all while acting like my job was the cause of all his suffering . My husband and I have always had a very active sex life and early in our marriage I discovered he also has a porn habit which is what I believe feeds his paranoia as well as his fantasies . After much disagreement that he would never do this again I find out he has never stopped. !!! I forgot to mention he has explosive rage , will go for days without talking to you and when he does its trust issues , he has PTSD from living with me he says . My husbands lays in the bed all day he has a terrible bad back however he does nothing to help himself . We are now both retired and every word that comes out of his mouth is something to devalue me , make fun of me or insult me as a person . I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry , child care (I am homeschooling my daughter ) as well as do all the outdoor chores that a man would normally do . His abusive behavior is getting worse and Im at a loss as to what to do. I within the past year have bee diagnosed with MS and amdoing all in my power t stay healthy . I do a 3 mile jog on the beach early morning before my family gets up.My husband has recently said he doesnt like this I should stop its making him have PTSD flash backs and if i dont wantto be abused I better do what he says . My response was No you are welcome to go with me but I will continue my run. To one up this I have endured weeks of abuse (he sleeps all day ) keeps me awake all night . ....any advice would be helpful I am just about done .

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In response to: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

OwlunarSenior Contributor17 May 2018, 3:36 pm AEST

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I understand @marie11

Also - when it comes to BPD is it really hard to know when the behaviour is due to the disorder or bad behaviour -

That book of slights - I think I have read a page or two of that -

Dec

In response to: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

marie11Contributor17 May 2018, 3:47 pm AEST

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Its not a good book to have to endure for sure . I just wonder ....is he getting enjoyment out of this .

In response to: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

WhiteknightSenior Contributor17 May 2018, 3:55 pm AEST

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Hi @marie11

This is really tough to respond to. Its also tormenting for you in limbo as you continually get abused. My guess is you'll either stay when he agrees to do something proactive about HIS problem or you'll leave. Either way you'd be more content.

Its an ultimatum really isnt it, for you cannot go on this way surely?

So, I'd like you to hear a short story. My mother I believe has BPD. Apologies to BPD sufferers if this account hurts.

Where ever she went she left a train wreck, manipulation, disapproval of girlfriends of mine, boyfriends of my sister, using her will and our father as weapons, demonising us to relatives, stalking, undiagnosed heart attacks, dividing siblings, ruining weddings and theft. (In denial and no diagnosis ) like you the list goes on. Her need for a headline was daily.

She never got help and thats why I admire BPD sufferers that do get help.

Eventually there becomes a straw that breaks the camels back. For me it was the threat of ruining my second wedding in 2011. She ruined my first wedding in 1985

My sister and I then stopped contact. But what of the wedding? Everyone knows you cant reschedule a wedding if she turned up and began raving about me in front of guests. I had no option but to get a court order barring her presence. Those in life that have endured such treatment end up with fear, until our wedding was over I was petrified she'd turn up. But we got through it ok.

It is a very hard decision to make to disown ones mother. My sister did also. We refuse to relent because her behaviour would soon be back to the way it was.

And that's my message to you. IMO remaining and tolerating his behaviour without professional help, is not a long term option. As others here have kindly suggested further counseling is crutial to the survival of your marriage and your future.

And if it doesnt work out? It isnt the end of your world but a new beginning.

Take care
WK

In response to: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

marie11Contributor17 May 2018, 8:27 pm AEST

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I truly understand .It is painful to have to walk awat from someone and severe all ties but when I say these people are toxic to everyone around them its true. They love you , they hate you , nothing is ever good enough . It is a exhausting way to live life. I find myself isolating myself from everyone because I do noy want to bring this toxicity into their life as well . Im assuming it was never your mothers fault but everyone around her like my husband . My husbands parents are both psyoanalyists or phychiatrists and he studied Psychology and law and graduated with a degree in Legal studies and Psychology . He is a master at manuipulation he loves to hurt you then talk for hours about how his feelings are . There were four children born of this marriage and they all were forced to go to a psycoanalyst from the age of 14 every day after school. The emphasis from what I can tell has always been on their feelings , how they feel . I came from a dysfunctional family and I at least know in my adult mind that it was dysfunctional these folks think they are elitist and are far better than anyone else. I truly doubt my husband willever get help and that is sad I think he has missed his entire life over imagined injustice , the control factor of trying to even control not only your thoughts but he will go as far as to tell you what to say to him amd even tell you If you need something from him .....there is a way you could get it .....you have to say this to him , do this for him the list goes on and on. I am truly sorry for you It had to be terrible to grow up like this as a fragile child and remain mentally intact. I understand your need to severe all times sometimes to remain mentally healthy and keep those around you healthy its the only way .

In response to: Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

marie11Contributor13 June 2018, 12:44 pm AEST

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

My borlerline husband cannot get along with the kids. Thankfully all are out of the house now except the baby . A beautiful little blonde haired blue eyed little girl . She is loving, sweet and kind and my husband constantly finds fault with her . She disrespects him, she is never quiet enough, she basically like me is never good enough . So in his thought process he trys to devalue her as he does me. She is not smart , she doesnt respect him hes taking her out of his will and it goes on and on . It is not good . Im so worried for my little I try to keep her out of his big cloudy of unhappy but sometimes hes not happy unless everyone is in it.

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