melq83Senior Contributor
in my shoes.... learnig to live with DID.. dissocative identity disorder.
Today has not been an easy day. It started off well, the kids behaved this morning while they got ready for school, I then went and had a cuppa with one of only a few friends I have left.
I’m glad I still have her in my life, as much as I know she would be hurting for what I have put myself and everyone through (including her), she seems to understand that it was something I had no control over, if only everyone could be as understanding….
So, after our catch up I came home and done a few domestic things around the house.
I then sat down and knew I needed to start writing out my life story (at my solicitor’s request).
So off I went….. laptop open and I was typing away. before I knew it all these thoughts and memories started flooding my mind, I thought I was doing well, remembering things as I wrote, but as I remembered those things I felt all the pain that came with it. Memories of good times with people I was close to, some of my cousin who was like a sister, others of male friends who were like a brother or father. But now, that’s all I have left of them.
I have had people call and text me with horrible things to say, they tell me I don’t deserve to live,(maybe they are right) people tell me i should be in jail (big chance of that happening in a month still), I have had people egg the house, abuse my family and my ex when they are down the street, I have the media stakeout our house waiting for me to leave so they can take photos of me or try to get a comment. All the hurt and anger people would be feeling from my actions. I can only imagine the questions they want answered. But if only they knew, I want them too. These same people that loved and cared for me so much, the people i will do anything for, the love I have for them… but most of them are now gone. If only they knew the guilt I live with every day. The nightmare’s every night or no sleep because I’m scared of what or who I dream about. I just want it to all stop.
I wish I could change what has happened, but I can’t, instead I need to learn how to deal with it.
I need to deal with the fact that most of these people I have deceived may not talk to me again, it hurts so much and knowing how much I have hurt them hurts even more…
Being told last week I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) is a challenge, trying to understand it is hard, but I know that by understanding it will help me understand who I, (we) are and that’s what I need to do. Maybe then I will have the answers that is needed.
So tonight, I will kiss my kid’s goodnight and tell them how much I love them, I’ll have a good cry, I’ll tell my ex fiancé that I’m lost and don’t know what to say or do, but know tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow i will get up and face this world again as hard as it is, i will put one foot in front of the other and try to except that yes life does suck right now, i may have lost most of those i were once close to, but remember the few that i still have left, the ones who are trying to understand this mental illness and I’m doing my best to get the help i need.
it will get better, one day i will be ok.
As someone that I adore once said to me, I just need to keep on swinging!
Mel
