Partner withdraws, how do I support him?

We are entering a brave new world in the sense of men processing their feelings without it being a do or die situation.

The term "two-faced" is a simplistic rendering of a complex spectrum and issue surrounding authenticity, relationships and the mind-body problem. Typically men are often "in their head" or their sexuality and it is less part of their socialisation to mediate the 2 fully until they are much more mature than women.

Truth, lies, showing confidence and masks and toughening up etc ... can be examples ... all needs to be seen in context.

Again, take care @xtine

@xtine

I believe you are relatively early in your relationship - really only just getting to know each other and working out if you are a good fit for a long term partnership.

With or without MI, trust, safety, respect and mutual support for myself are the foundations of any successful relationship.

My thoughts are working out what values are important to you, understanding what is important to him and then deciding if you are both capable of giving and receiving the support the other feels is necessary to make a dedicated effort to remain together or not.

Hi @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @Shaz51, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Former-Member

Thank you all for your support yesterday. Things ended up very positively. Yes, we're getting to know each other and we're both pretty traumatised people. I've done decades of therapy and have been through a very unhealthy and damaging relationship that lasted 12 years, which thankfully ended about 7 years ago.

My Mum committed suicide when I was 17 and there was alcoholism and emotional and verbal violence at home. Some physical violence too. Despite all my therapy, I think I still have quite a few issues of my own deep down about being accepted, being "good enough": all that sort of stuff.

For the first time since my Mum died, my partner has unlocked something in my heart. I genuinely like and admire him and perhaps because we are similarly traumatised it feels like there's a baseline understanding, but the challenge in these early months is figuring out trust issues and how we need to communicate with each other. Despite his MI, he has been one of the most responsive people to me emotionally. He does withdraw, but he shows me love in so many other ways. He's the first person in so many years that I feel I'm not going off the deep end at when things get difficult.

He's very sensitive and so am I. I'm finding that by verbalising my feelings and hearing him out, we seem to be very considerate of each other: he's opening up to me honestly and he hears me out. I have learned through therapy to understand what holds me back and I've learned how to integrate socially and be 'confident': but the truth is that there is still a lot inside me that is hurt. I suppose I've matured in being able to not be so reactive and terrified and lash out in defensiveness and anger.

I feel that we're on an honest and vulnerable path. He thought I was unhappy with him yesterday. I thought I'm not good enough for him. We talked, we gained insight. I feel very much better. It's very confronting though. I wonder how much I've wanted to open my heart all these years but for whatever reason I haven't been able or safe or accepted enough to do so.

That is so lovely to read @xtine.

I think one reason the forums are as supportive as they are is because experiences with mi teach empathy. Working around all sorts of other tricky issues is part of the deal, and sometimes there is conflict arising from different personality types or communications styles, and that doesn’t make them wrong ..... just different .... so building resilience, empathy and tolerance are an a

important part of any relationship.

There are hold-your-breath moments amongst it all, and it sounds like you have just come through one of those with your guy, and it feels so good when you find it has made the relationship stronger.

💜

good afternoon @xtine

how is everything today xx