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I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Cat64Contributor07 Jan 2016, 11:31 pm AEDT

I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

My story as a carer started 16 years ago when my husband was diagnosed with Schizo effective disorder (parodoid shizophrenic). At the time our daughters were 6 and 8. After 6 weeks or so of radical behaviour I finally sought help and watched him being taken away by the police. Not pretty and very, very scary. Time has gone on, I have learned alot about his condition, been there through thick and thin and many, many hospital visits since then. A year ago was his longest time frame of 9 weeks, and he is currently there again - so far 4 weeks. His recovery was progressing reasonably well. Changes of meds as usual - which in it self is always a roller coaster ride. I did try for 12 weeks prior to hospitalisation to treat him at home with support from our mental health team. We live in a remote area of the south west so very isolated.

Any way this episode and the last have been very directed towards me, with accusations I won't go into on here. It is soul destroying when you are constantly accused of things you would never in the world dream of doing, and when my husband is well - he wouldn't even think such things.

I have just returned from three days for trial outings with him. The first day went reasonably well, the second not so good and the third which was over night was a disaster. I refused to go in to see the dr - my husband told them all went well so they nurse came out to the car and asked if it did, which I said no it didn't. I ended up having an interview with the dr on my own, then had a very brief talk to hubby before I left him there once again. He was to be discharged yesterday, so he was not very happy about it not happening. I walked out with him screaming more accusations at me.

The point I am getting at here is right now I fell totally crushed, alone, and very very sad. I have been with my husband for over 35 years and am now at the stage of wondering why I do it, put up with the episodes and whether to stay in the marriage or not. I love him with all my heart, but am just feeling so torn.

When he is well he is a beuatiful caring man, with a huge heart and very supportive. He is a wonderful father and grand father. Unfortunately during this episode he accused my daughters husband of things the my daughter is not happy with and she has now told me she doesn't want anything to do with him. This is going to break his heart, and bring more stress upon an already tense situation.

I don't expect answers hear, just feel the need to vent. I have only come across this page tonight, so have posted this in haste. Does anyone else have theses kinds of things going on, and if so how do you deal with it.

My daughters are actually saying they are scared of how far he can go with these delusions and are very worried about me. we live on 114 acres in seclusion, so that worries the,. I however have never feared of being harmed by my husband. It's hard when you see the way psychotic people are portrayed in the media.

Thank you for reading my stroy, which I really have only touched the surface. I send love and light to all of you out there who are carer for someone with a mental illness and wish you well xx

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In response to: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Shaz51Senior Contributor14 Jan 2016, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

yes @Carer101 and I am involving my 4 step children to do the same , it is taking time

In response to: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

CherryBombSenior Contributor14 Jan 2016, 10:56 pm AEDT

Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

That's a great point @Former-Member about being three different people in one relationship.

@Shaz51 pointed out, there is one that she is working towards, and it sounds like you have one too @Former-Member

I wonder how you cultivate one relationship more than the others? I mean how can you be more adult than child? Any advice?

In response to: Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Unknown userMember14 Jan 2016, 11:50 pm AEDT

Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

HI @CherryBomb

Very thought provoking question. I am not sure I see it as cultivating one more than the other. I think I need to work at the planning more. For example although I don't intend to leave my partner I have a plan in place and the resources to do so if the need arose. I was more panicked about my situation when I felt I had no choice.

But the caring is still necessary and the child needs a little fun.

I am not sure that is exactly what the counselor meant.

In response to: Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Shaz51Senior Contributor15 Jan 2016, 3:49 pm AEDT

Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Hi @CherryBomb, that is a very good question ?? what do you think @Carer101

In response to: Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Unknown userMember15 Jan 2016, 11:13 pm AEDT

Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Hi @Shaz51. Not sure what I think. The more I think about some things the more uncertain they seem.

What I have been thinking about however is something you wrote when you started this thread @Cat64 about not being able to go in to speak to the doctor after the latest outing and that your partners attitude towards you has changed in the last couple of episodes. This sounds concerning to me. I wondering how you are going now. I am not sure I would be prepared to live with my partner in an isolated situation if I was feeling afraid of him.

Also I wanted to let you know about an online interactive which I found helpful in understanding about being a carer.

http://www.foundationsforcarers.org.au/

It gives a run down of the different stage that a carer might go through and I found it helpful.

cheers.

In response to: Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Shaz51Senior Contributor16 Jan 2016, 8:33 pm AEDT

Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Me too @Carer101 The more I think about some things the more uncertain they seem.

In response to: Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Cat64Contributor16 Jan 2016, 10:16 pm AEDT

Re: I'm at my wits end....where to from here.

Hello @CherryBomb,

Content/trigger warning

@Shaz51

and

Content/trigger warning

Carer101

, sorry I haven't responded to any comments - I just haven't had the strength. I have just returned from a 6hour return drive after having G home for 2 nights as we had a funeral to go to yesterday.

As with the last time the first night was beautiful. We attended the funeral which went surprisingly well - had a lovely afternoon together then 6pm last night wammo - G let it all out. Once again the accusations towards me - unfortunately even more bazaar than previously. It really was quite disturbing. I tried to sleep to be woken at 2am this morning with more ramblings. I ignored what I could, but some things were said that I just couldn't let go. I had my say and tried to sleep with music full pelt in the lounge room.

G rang the hospital trying to get more time home this morning....they talked to me and asked how I felt. I said if he does I am leaving the house. The nurse told G he had to return by 3pm today - hence the long drive. That's how far away we are from the psych unit - 6 hours return.

G took the news fine, just packed, sorted things, moved things, ranted a bit blah blah.

The trip up there was like a nightmare - he has become so so unwell again. Talking aloud to himself the whole way, fits of laughter, more accusations etc. etc.

I dropped him off - didn't stay, filled the nurses in and drove back home.

Now to your responses. I understand the child, carer, adult stuff. Just can't get my head around it. I tell our girls to seperate the illness from the person. (I have worked in the disability industry for over 30 years on and off, so have good skills there) Unfortunately when it comes to G and I try to do this, I just can't. I guess it is because things have escalated to be so so hurtful to me. I feel like my heart is a block of ice that is slowly being chipped away at. My commpassion is almost non exsistant and just coping. My reactions are to go on the defensive and try to justify why whay he is saying is not happening. Then I go to just ignoring his comments, but am seething inside.I called into my daughters and had a huge conversation with her about it all. She read some of these threads.

Like I have said leaving is a thought on my mind, but in reality it just isn't that easy. How can you just walk away from 35 years of a relationship with someone who is your world? We have a mortgage, I only work part tme and if I leave will have no means to meet the repayments as my little pension that I do get will stop. Plus where do I go anyway? One of my main issues is even when Garry is well, he remembers things he has said in his episodes, and still seems to dwell on them. The lack of trust is not an easy one to live with. We talk about women staying in abusive relationshsips - he doesn't like that they do, and somehow isn't this an abusive relationship?? Where do you draw the line and continue to put it down to his MI and that's meant the make it ok?

For now I have requested no phone calls from G until I am stronger and he may be more settled. I dread the next time I have to do this, and am even refusing to do so. Unfortunately there is no one else to do it, so where will G be then? He may never be released.

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. At the end of the day it is my call what I do.Right now the answers certainly aren't that clear.

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