How do you learn to trust again?

Hi @Pilbarian

People who are addicted to substances such as alcohol and drugs are usually in full denial they have a problem. They misperceive it as a way of coping - a coping strategy to escape the pain and they may believe they have it fully under control. Then reality will bite once the consequences of their addiction catches up with them and forces them to either make a choice to do something to help themselves or totally give in and give up, which usually not only destroys their lives but cuts them short.

Your wife is facing up to it. I think it is very wise and caring of you to not let her know now of how you are feeling resentful - as they may weaken her resolve to see her efforts of rehabilitation through. And the support you are giving her now will not only beneifit her but the whole family including the most important, the children, now and into the future.

Ofcourse you can't bury these feelings forever as it will come out in other ways such as anger and indifference which will slowly chip away further at the relationship. If it were me I would talk about these feelings to my partner calmly and openly when I believed they are strong and stable enough to do so - at the right time. To let her know how her denial of having a drug problem back then made you feel, and how you can accept no less than transparency in your relationship of being totally honest with each other in the future to be able to grow together and move forward. She may have hid this fact from you in fear of your judgement and reaction - it's a talk you both have to have in the future to resolve and help heal the damage to trust done. Then it's taking it from there and up,tomthe dedication and love each has for the other to be able to move past it.

In the meantime I think it is important that you speak to someone now so this resentment does not bottle up and boil over into your everyday life....perhaps speak to a counsellor or psychologist and talk your way through it. Getting it off our chests can release those painful emotions in half.

Hi @Pilbarian

Thank you for sharing your wife's struggle with depression and drug dependence and how this has impacted you. I'm sorry that for many years you were made to feel that your concerns for your wife were invalid and that you were paranoid - it is terrible for one's concern about someone they love to be dismissed by the very person they are concerned for. As @Former-Member said, sometimes people with substance dependence issues, or even forms of mental illness, can be in a state of denial; this may have been the case for your wife. I am glad that your wife is finally receiving treatment at a clinic; however, I understand that this must put a lot of pressure on you trying to balance working and raising your three boys. I can also imagine that you must be battling with feelings of missing your wife, given she is receiving treatment 1600km away, but also feelings anger and resentment that it took so long for her to acknowledge your concern and receive treatment.

As @Former-Member said, while your wife is in the process of becoming more mentally stable, it may be best to put a hold on your feelings of anger and resentment. However, also as @Former-Member said, you cannot conceal such feelings forever. Thus, it is important that when you wife has stabilised, that you talk about these feelings in an open, honest and respectful way; where both parties acknowledge things they may have contributed to issues in the relationship (i.e., what emotions/behaviours from one party led to certain emotions/behaviours from other party; how this is related back to one's personal history and triggers; and how such emotions/behaviours can keep escalating back and forth). Ultimately, it can be very hard to have such a conversation without things getting emotionally heated. Therefore, if you feel like you may need some extra support with talking to your wife about such feelings, you may wish to seek couples counselling at Relationships Australia or Lifeworks. These organisations are specialised in providing treatment to couples and families - including, working through issues such as feelings of anger and resentment towards one's partner. I have listed their details, below:

Relationship Australia: Relationships Australia is a leading provider of relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.

1300 364 277

http://www.relationships.org.au/

LifeWorks: Relationship, Individual and Family Counselling, Dispute Resolution Services, Relationship & Parenting Education, Intercountry Adoption Support and more.

1300 543 396

https://lifeworks.com.au/

You may also be interested in checking out these threads that related to your current situation: "Partner in rehab" by @Kelstarkaruah; "Does anyone else have trouble expressing feelings to their partner" by @Rubyf; and "Trust" by @Ma60.

As @Former-Member said, you may also seek support from organisations specifically catered to carers - e.g., Carers Australia; MIND Australia; Wellways; etc.

I hope this information is helpful to you! Please continue to reach out to the Forums, if you are looking for further information and support!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché