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I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

TeejSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 5:05 pm AEST

I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

I just flipped. I was holding my own when I had an argument with my son. It bought up sooo many mixed emotions. I sat there trying to work out what it was that I am meant to do. I am so lost and confused with mindfulness because the only thing that can bring me down is distraction which in my case is not mindfulness I don’t think, although maybe it is, I don’t know anymore. Then I had all the thoughts of things I’ve learned but have no clue which one is helpful or that I’m supposed to use. That’s lead me to react more because I know I’m supposed to be using something to change these situations but what. Within 20 min I went from having an argument to rocking on my bed with sh thoughts. I’ve calmed from those a bit now but feel upset that I don’t know what skill I’m supposed to use when. Sorry this feels like a rant but it was really about getting ideas whilst I’m thinking about it. ORRRR have I done what is needed already. I’m so confused 🤷‍♀️

4 replies

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In response to: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

Unknown userMember16 Apr 2018, 5:43 pm AEST

Re: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

Hi @Teej
I think you are doing the 'right' things. The rocking might be helping to calm and settle. Distractions I think can be a way of grounding back into the present moment and can be done 'mindfully'. I.e. i will play mindless puzzle games when im unsettled i guess because i can stop the racing thoughts on other things... Dealing with the aftermath of an argument isnt easy and especially when things are difficult overall and we're already close to the point of being overwhelmed. I think a psychiatrist told me that sh and si could be comig up because that was my default position to fall back to. im not sure though... I think reaching out here is also a strategy that is useful as well. In short I think you are using strategies and doing ok. we are good at pressuring ourselves.. here with you.

In response to: Re: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

AppleblossomSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 7:36 pm AEST

Re: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

Some situations are pressured by multiple issues. @Zoe7 and I were talking about DBT and some of the difficulties of knowing what skill to apply when ...

I liked @Former-Member take on it, that

Quietening down in foetal position may actually be a good choice. I have flipped into vulnerable bodily emotional states, but often it is in a protective healing way, (allowing the inner child sanctuary) so we can emerge again.

In response to: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

Unknown userMember16 Apr 2018, 9:09 pm AEST

Re: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

Hi @Teej

I have come across your situations with my daughter. I find that the best coping strategy/skill in the moment when facing a conflict is to walk away from it before it gets too out of hand and both sides flip out saying things that can wound and trigger the emotions adversely and cause damage. Offering no resolution. I now text my daughter when I need to say something she doesn't always want to hear and that works for me. Or I say it once calmly face to face, hold my ground gently and leave it at that - if the other party gets violitile I then walk off - to try and not let my emotions overwhelm. As when emotions become overwhelmed when in a heated arguement we aren't thinking clear enough to put any positive thoughts or mindfulness in action.

Distraction can be a form of mindfulness as it is focusing from the pain onto something else, but hard to do when emotions become inflamed as that usually leds me to fall back into previous negative reactions. So for me it's being mindful to avoid conflict where possible or anything that triggers strong adverse emotional reactions. If avoidance isn't possible then to stay calm and not be drawn into raised voices or angry words, being mindful that will trigger me. Hope that's helped.

In response to: Re: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor19 Apr 2018, 11:11 am AEST

Re: I don’t get it. How to know what skills to use when

@Teej .... I find that teen and 20-something baby dragons are in such an argumentative, legalistic, values-laden mindset that they can become like mini-lawyers and tie you up in knots quite quickly in an argument. .... just my personal observation.

Some of that is that they don’t have as broad a world view as they think they do ..... some of that is also (probably) us seeing the child-within-the-man / woman, having known them through their growing up years, and the empathetic engagement that goes with that .... along with the surprise that they are grown up enough to attack you somewhat with their ideas ..... which can sounds fully mature, but on closer inspection, maybe aren’t ..... and they can forget to soften their delivery because you are Mum, and can (supposedly) take it .....

Then they can double back the next day and apologise for having been so difficult with you .... then in the next breath, justify why they were so difficult with you ..... in their own mind at least.

I hope you have some distance and perspective on it in hindsight ?

It may be possible to map out with your therapist a bit of a list .....

”When one of the kids is coming at me with this ..... this is the strategy to use ..... “ and list situations paired with anti-flip strategies and techniques.

💜

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