The next phase

Hi Used2Be,

It can be a really struggle trying to help someone who doesn't want help.This can create a lot of worry and stress, and it can lead to feelings of powerless and frustration. In some ways, it can be like dragging a horse to water, but in the end you can't make them drink. In this sense, it sounds like you are your dh are wanting different things, he wants you to accept his belief that he is evil, and you want him to accept your support.

When there's a clash in perspectives it can create tension, particularly when either person is trying to push each other's perspectives on each other. In this, you don't need to accept his belief, and he can't change the way you feel and think about that. Only you can do that. The same goes for him right now, you can't change the way he feeling or thinking. Only he can do that (as you know). Neither one is wrong or right, it's just different. Both ways of thinking and perceiving this issue is very really for both of you.

It's great that you want to support him, and it's challenging to do this when he is closed. One way that might be helpful for him and you is to ask him what he needs of you right now - people are often the own experts of their lives and it's hard to provide support to someone when it's something they don't want. Within this, know each other's boundaries. Know what you can and can't commit to, and if he asks for something that may be difficult for you work together to find some middle ground.

I'm glad that you're linking in with ARAFMI, often we can spend so much time focusing on trying to get our loved ones better we get forget about ourselves.

Does anyone else have any suggestions for Used2Be?

Dear Used2Be,

His deep-seated self-hatred is, I think, not unusual in these circumstances - through self-blame one can regain a sense of control, however tenuous. I would suggest that the very fact he is so deeply remorseful over what he was involved in says that he is not evil - as you attest. I believe evil people don't feel or express this stuff, instead they are pleased with what they have done. (I really don't know whether it would help him at this point but you might try reading M.Scott Peck's People of the Lie which deals with this subject quite well, and maybe give you some more confidence in responding to his assertions.)

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what might be of help - so here are a few ideas:

- when he's in that space don't argue with him, if you feel the need to counter it then quietly state that you believe in his inherent goodness, still underneath all that has happened (or whatever words seem right to you)

- when you can see that he is really hurting ask if there is anything you can do or say to help, it's ok if the answer is no - just offering can help

- when he is severely triggered he probably won't be able to see that anyone else is hurting, it can feel emotionally and even physically as if you have no skin (try not to take it personally, and explain to your girl as best you can)

- just being able to be with him at all when he's in this head-space is an act of love, a refutation of his "unworthiness", but don't push it for both your sakes

- if he asks you to leave then do so, but ask him to take care - if he can't for his own sake then yours and the girls'

- learning some mindfulness/acceptance and commitment therapy techniques may help both of you get through these excruciating times (you can Google these)

- stepping back slightly and grounding yourself could be a really helpful thing for both of you, if you are prepared to accept that he will stay safe, it is an act of both trust and self-care

Hopefully some of these will be of help. I know they are not necessarily all pointing in one direction. I suggest you try what your intuition tells you is most needed at the time. Sometimes he might need you to be there, sometimes he might need some space. Either way in the midst of this it is vital that you care for yourself and your girls. The massage sounds like an excellent idea - I hope it helps. 🙂

Kind regards,

Kristin

PS There was one other thing I meant to mention, but I kept getting interrupted here and forgot - I don't know if you are a person of faith but I can really recommend praying for him, for yourself, the situation, help, whatever you feel you need.

Cheers, Kristin

Hi Use2Be,

I'm glad you feel supported and understood.

Did you get a chance to go the ARAFMI meeting today? Just wondering how it went? And more importantly, how are you?

That's a bugger that you're not well. Sounds like some self-care and time off could help, so I'm glad that you're having the night in to rest. You're right, physical health is related to your well-being so it's pretty important to look after both. I hope you take some time to nurture yourself.

CB

You are most welcome! I hope some of it helps. I know what that complete desperation feels like.

One of Scott Peck's other books might be helpful for you too - it's my favourtie you may have heard of it The Road Less Travelled.

Take care,

K

Hi,

You might want to have a look on the Lived Experience forum for the migraine discussion. There were quite a lot of good ideas both for different causes and treatments. I think we all have different triggers for these, but sometimes we can get a better handle on them hearing somone else's take.

Kind regards,

Kristin

Hi Used2Be,

Wondering is your migrane is subsiding at all. You mentioned you would go back to the doctor today if it was not better. Iagree with the other posts here too - physical health is related to mental health, so you need to look after both.

And a big thanks to Kirtin for all your supportive posts. You seem a very caring person!

Hobbit.