IwatakuNew Contributor
Philosopher-Recluse --- Relationships / Vocation
Hello sane forum members. This is my first post here. Please don't swamp me with verbal hugs and welcomes, as I am not looking for validation or social acceptance, but for one rare person who may have insight and can advise on a long-standing issue that has caused me intense suffering most of my adult life.
I have seen numerous psychologist s and psychiatrists, with perhaps one or two with the humility, knowledge, and self-awareness to admit tentatively they didn't really know what to make of me, but they could see I was suffering, but had to leave my care in my hands.
I have stayed generally away from the Mental Health professions because of so much frustration. Unfortunately, trying to care for myself alone, without an "expert" managing my health, caused my disability pension to be cancelled in 2016 after 11 years. After fighting an intensely stressful battle against the DSS, the disability pension was reinstated late last year. I was suicidal for months through that period, much worse than usual.
I have been diagnosed clinically with depression / mood disorder, schizotypal personality, schizoaffective disorder, prodromal psychosis, and my current diagnosis is schizophrenia. The depression is true, and I am definitely an introspective recluse, but I do not hear voices, am not prone to delusions or hallucinations.
The core of the problem of my suffering, is that I am a philosopher who thinks deeply about abstract things and principles, and I value thinking very highly because I realise it leads one to important truths about reality. Taking my core truths about reality, sanity, values, etc. from my own thinking, rather than copying others and fitting into trends and fashions of the day, puts me at odds with contemporary society. This and my Buddhist type ideas, has gotten me labels like grandiose delusions, fragmentary thought, lack of insight into own mental states, etc.
I find the scenario of being clinically classified as deluded by someone who has listened to me for only an hour, on the basis that I have just explained a Buddhist sutra to them, and given them a copy which they do not bother to read.
It reminds me of the hubris of Oliver Sacks, who thinks he understands Soren Kierkegaard's "Sickness unto Death", one of K's most complex analyses of the human condition, where he says everyone is born into a condition of despair, a metaphysical situation of not wanting to be themselves or wanting to be another self. Yet Sacks thinks that description of despair applies only to particular patients of his! I get frustrated that so-called experts can make these pronouncements and be accepted by an argumentum ad verecundiam, but a truthful statement disregarded because the person who says it has no letters after their name.
Well, that is my introduction. That is also a warning. Please don't leap in. Angels be afraid.
The problem I am seeking advice for, is that after being absolutely celibate (comfortably) for 14 years, the disability pension strife in 2016 caused me so much distress that my equilibrium was upset, to the point of considering a major change: even to try dating to find consolation and comfort. Well, a very unexpected thing happened: I found on a dating site someone contacted me who liked my profile. The result: we have been a couple for about 10 months. But we live in separate states, separated by 2-3 days' travel. My partner and I get along really well, we love each other, but my heart and mind are always split in two, owing to my profound roots into philosophy. Those who understand the Buddhist idea of non-attachment (nirvana) arising from insight into the nature of reality (kensho), would know how difficult it is to maintain emotional bonds. So I keep battling now with this problem. How can I resolve the conflict between my own psyche, personality, learning and philosophical achievements of understanding --- with a loving relationship that stands so often at odds? I feel very guilty for wanting to maintain my independence, but I am a very capable, intelligent person, having lived alone for the past 15 years, and have built my own house up from nothing / bare vacant land. I knew from the outset of dating that I would have this problem, but I was trying to develop new psychological skills using the ego-soothing effects of being loved and cared about. I don't use or abuse my partner: I pay for my share or more of food, have done many home renovations, cleaning up the house and getting vegetable beds growing. I do not live in my partner's house, but visit for about a month every season. My partner has never travelled to visit me, owing to work commitments. My solution so far has just been visits, but my partner does want me to move in permanently at some point. I have also become a vollie in the Emergency Services in my partner's area, so there is a commitment to attend callouts.
Would anyone with insight like to make suggestions?
I have seen numerous psychologist s and psychiatrists, with perhaps one or two with the humility, knowledge, and self-awareness to admit tentatively they didn't really know what to make of me, but they could see I was suffering, but had to leave my care in my hands.
I have stayed generally away from the Mental Health professions because of so much frustration. Unfortunately, trying to care for myself alone, without an "expert" managing my health, caused my disability pension to be cancelled in 2016 after 11 years. After fighting an intensely stressful battle against the DSS, the disability pension was reinstated late last year. I was suicidal for months through that period, much worse than usual.
I have been diagnosed clinically with depression / mood disorder, schizotypal personality, schizoaffective disorder, prodromal psychosis, and my current diagnosis is schizophrenia. The depression is true, and I am definitely an introspective recluse, but I do not hear voices, am not prone to delusions or hallucinations.
The core of the problem of my suffering, is that I am a philosopher who thinks deeply about abstract things and principles, and I value thinking very highly because I realise it leads one to important truths about reality. Taking my core truths about reality, sanity, values, etc. from my own thinking, rather than copying others and fitting into trends and fashions of the day, puts me at odds with contemporary society. This and my Buddhist type ideas, has gotten me labels like grandiose delusions, fragmentary thought, lack of insight into own mental states, etc.
I find the scenario of being clinically classified as deluded by someone who has listened to me for only an hour, on the basis that I have just explained a Buddhist sutra to them, and given them a copy which they do not bother to read.
It reminds me of the hubris of Oliver Sacks, who thinks he understands Soren Kierkegaard's "Sickness unto Death", one of K's most complex analyses of the human condition, where he says everyone is born into a condition of despair, a metaphysical situation of not wanting to be themselves or wanting to be another self. Yet Sacks thinks that description of despair applies only to particular patients of his! I get frustrated that so-called experts can make these pronouncements and be accepted by an argumentum ad verecundiam, but a truthful statement disregarded because the person who says it has no letters after their name.
Well, that is my introduction. That is also a warning. Please don't leap in. Angels be afraid.
The problem I am seeking advice for, is that after being absolutely celibate (comfortably) for 14 years, the disability pension strife in 2016 caused me so much distress that my equilibrium was upset, to the point of considering a major change: even to try dating to find consolation and comfort. Well, a very unexpected thing happened: I found on a dating site someone contacted me who liked my profile. The result: we have been a couple for about 10 months. But we live in separate states, separated by 2-3 days' travel. My partner and I get along really well, we love each other, but my heart and mind are always split in two, owing to my profound roots into philosophy. Those who understand the Buddhist idea of non-attachment (nirvana) arising from insight into the nature of reality (kensho), would know how difficult it is to maintain emotional bonds. So I keep battling now with this problem. How can I resolve the conflict between my own psyche, personality, learning and philosophical achievements of understanding --- with a loving relationship that stands so often at odds? I feel very guilty for wanting to maintain my independence, but I am a very capable, intelligent person, having lived alone for the past 15 years, and have built my own house up from nothing / bare vacant land. I knew from the outset of dating that I would have this problem, but I was trying to develop new psychological skills using the ego-soothing effects of being loved and cared about. I don't use or abuse my partner: I pay for my share or more of food, have done many home renovations, cleaning up the house and getting vegetable beds growing. I do not live in my partner's house, but visit for about a month every season. My partner has never travelled to visit me, owing to work commitments. My solution so far has just been visits, but my partner does want me to move in permanently at some point. I have also become a vollie in the Emergency Services in my partner's area, so there is a commitment to attend callouts.
Would anyone with insight like to make suggestions?
