The struggles of family when a parent is dying

Hi @Tegan

I have had both my parents die and the situation has been toxic with my control-freak of a sister dominating everything so I know how rotten it can be - although I don't know what you feel right now

But my guess is that your sibs are feeling guilty that you are there and they are not and this is not your problem - whatever is holding them wherever they are is an excuse or a reason but whatever

It is most unfair they are treating you this way - all I can suggest is that when they start talking over you - it's time to stop the conversation - so I suggest - even if they are talking over you say you are hanging up until they can talk to you in a respectful manner

Now - I don't know your situation in it reality - only what you have written here so please forgive me if I am barking up the wrong tree - it is really hard I know this -

But they are being unreasonable - and if they are like that then the best thing for you is to go ahead and do whatever is possible - whatever is necessary - and I hope that if this is too hard then keep posting because there are other members here who have been through the same sort of thing or are going through it right now

You don't need the conflict though

Thinking of you Tegan

Dec

Thank you Dec

I did stand up for myself this evening by asking a sib to refraim from using a term to describe me- I asked her in a firm but rational manner and explained that it did not make me fell good and it was not helpful to the situation. She hung up on me. initially, I thought it was very childish of her and brushed it off but then I felt the guilt of not keeping the family calm. Mind you, I now believe that they are projecting all their emotions onto to me and trying to control the situation from afar because of the choices they have made.

I don't need the conflict, if anything, I need their support and trust. If they don't trust me then they can make the steps to come here and take care of everything. I have learnt that I must find support from other people...like you

Tomorrow's a new day and a step away from today's conflict

Hi @Tegan

Yes - it is tough and I am so glad you stood up to sib and asked her rationally for more respect - and yes - it was childish of her to hang up - and yes - it does increase tension and conflict to have this happen - she would rather march over you - and you are putting a stop to that

btw - it's not your job to keep the family calm - it's up to your sibs to find that themselves and from what you have written you are battling with your mother dying and the depression in both your parents and you are doing your best to keep the calm with them - by being what you seem to be - a person who is very caring and facing an end-of-life experience which is confronting

And it would be great if you had the support of your sibs - and it seems they are feeling guilty and pushing - or trying to - push the sh^t onto you - bad behaviour - and as you said - projection

Your sibs can make up their own minds about what they will do abouit being practical - oh yes they can - and you will get support here - and as far as possible I can be supportive and helpful in whatever way I can through the forum

Some people have the experience from real life - lived experience like me - they might respond if I tag them here but we all have our bad spells but these are some people who might be able to add support now

@Former-Member@Sahara@Faith-and-Hopeto start - and there are many others with tough and sometimes horrible sibs too -

Dec

I have been separated from my first husband for 12 years and found myself having to limit any communication because of the conflict. I understand how you feel. Putting up ur boundaries so that people treat you with respect is something that we all need to do (even though it is frustrating because I believe that everyone should be respectful toward each other). Today has been much better because I left yesterday's events behind and found strength in believing in myself. Sometimes I can fall in the trap of measuring my selfworth by how people treat me. I have to adopt a self talk to stop that and focus on looking at what motivates people to treat me with disrespect. It always comes down to their shortcomings and need to control everything and everyone.

Today my trust in myself has grown and I know that I will focus on what I can do and how I behave. I do see that if people complicate things, that is their way of creating obstacles for others. If it's not kept simple I distance myself.

Thank you for your support. It feels lovely to have people in the world who are understanding. And by the way, I believe that you are doing your very best to be the best mum. Stand proud and block any negativity because you deserve to be treated with respect.

Hi @Tegan,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your parents. I recently lost my Dad to cancer and I had a lot to do with his care. It was such a difficult time.

You may want to talk to a professional counsellor about this, as it would give you on-going support. I think it can be good to have an unbiased listener who will just allow you to get everything off your chest.

If you feel up to it, you can read about what happened to me under "Caring for an elderly dying parent" under the Lived Experience section of the forum. I'm sorry I don't know how to post a link! I will tag you, so as to make it easier to find.

Anyway, I had a break down in communication with my siblings over my Dad's care. It was extremely stressful, as I felt that I was all alone. It really is a very stressful time when someone you love is dying.

I hope you can find time to be able to have a massage, go for a walk in nature or go to the movies or do something that is just for you. You will really benefit from having this 'time out'.

As for your siblings, just manage them as best you can. If that involves arguments, then so be it, for now. People are very forgiving at times like these... after it is all over, and the stress has gone, you tend to bounce back, to some extent.

Hi @Tegan @Sahara ......

Here is the link to Sahara’s thread on Lived Experience forum .....

Caring for an Elderly Dying Parent

(FYI - on iPad, Noebook, PC there is a toolbar at the top of the Reply box. The symbol representing three chain links is the window to posting links. The symbol that represents a tiny postcard is the window to posting images, the smiley-face gives you a limited choice of emoji’s)

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope. ❤️