Relating to our Adult Children hurt by our parenting and MI

@Former-Member I thought this was a discussion I couldn't add to but then I realised I can add a 'child's' perspective from my own expereince...

I blame my mother for a lot - whether warranted or not - but I always wondered why she never knew what was happening to me and even more so why she never left my father... all those questions and all that hurt I understood more as an adult not being able to leave an abusive relationship myself... but that didn't stop me blaming her for so much.

My mother has her own 'demons' to live with and she did the best she could for her children - that I do know - and she loved (and loves) us very much. That is not in anyway in dispute.

It is the way she shows that love sometimes that really affects me - it is intrusive and smothering - things that she sees as doing because she loves me are things that I find not helpful.

My sister's relationship is volatile yet my mother constantly says we need to support her - and her idea of support is to not mention how destructive some 'situations' are - that I am sure she is saying because of her previous experiences with my dad in their relationship. I do not agree with this and then I cop the flack for not enabling the behaviour - my Mum just does not get that she can support my sister and still say that this is not ok!

Sometimes parents need to take the 'soft' road and other times be very blunt - but whatever road you take you need to be happy within yourself to start the journey!

Maybe with your son @Former-Member it is time for him to come to you - for him to know what it is like without you in his life and feel that void that that leaves. I do this with my mother a lot - I will call or visit her when I have not had constant contact - it, for me, is about quality of our time together then rather than quantity. I can manage a lunch or dinner occasionally and use that time to catch up and spend some quality time with her.

I can see the other side of all this too - as parents all you want is for your children to be happy and healthy - but sometimes that means 'letting them go', making their own mistakes and being able to sit back and watch them work them out for themselves.. hard YES but necessary also.

I think like everyone - being hurt by someone you love has a greater impact - and add in a MI and that can feel amplified. You don't need to 'let him go completely' @Former-Member but maybe give him a little space to work out for himself how much he would miss you if you weren't around!

Good perspective @Zoe7, my mum was difficult too, she had MI. I work hard at not being as smothering & abusive as her. Guess i never really learned nurturing and balance in parenting. My dad was pretty absent, and yes, i have a hard sister too. Mum has died now.

I don't smother my son (though he may not see it that way). The silent treatment does get a response from him, my son, after a couple of weeks lol. But,

Also think he HAS lost me, shortly after losing his sister. When he's sister died and this luring MI / complex grief sent me off the rails into a major depressive episode - going missing, escaping hospital... where i spent a total of 6+ weeks, hospitalised, locked up in a Mental Health Unit, alone (he didn't visit once), i think he lost me then - he & all my family members (none of them visited me - the stigma i guess), yep, all of them wrote me off as dead that year, i think. It's been hard scratching my way back into their lives, to build some existance i can live with...

OMG... just realised something big...
I don't wanna talk about this right now 😭

@Former-Member

@Former-Member Hmmmm ... that is a tough and tender series of questions. It doesn't matter how old they get they are still your children aren't they.... When I became very ill the only person there for me was my mother. It was all too much for my children to cope with, seeing their mother fall apart, ... one of the reasons which is keeping me taking this wretched medication. It is the main reason. So my children don't have to see their mum go mad.

Keeping the dialogue up and and running is so important but in all honesty if I wasn't doing so well I don't think any of them would be able to cope sad but true.

Hi @Former-Member

When you are ready sis - and it is crazy noisy around here atm - airport and lawn mower - but

The thing I most want from my daughter is respect - this is what you ought to have from your son and we can get back to that

@Bunniekins@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7

Wow - you have all said some powerful things here and let me think - I think with so much time since my mother died I can see the reasons for what she did but they are not excuses and for my daughter

I stopped letting her hide behind electronic media when she was busy picking my faults - I didn't pick any of her's - she can be disrespectful at times but I told her that to her face - ouch!!

But if I got a picky text I started ringing her back and asking her what the problem was - and the remarkable silence that followed a sympathic question - just "What's going on?" - incredible and the picky questions stopped

Everyone has said fantastic things here and wow - can our kids hurt us - wonderful how it's all our fault - and none of us a perfect - esp not them

Most important - yes - we love them - that goes unsaid - but we don't enable bad behaviour.

We all want respect - "we expect nothing more and accept nothing less" (Margaret Houilhan - M*A*S*H)

Dec

Well said @Owlunar aand @Faith-and-Hope, we just have to survive them. Haha, not gonna happen, well sometimes. I dont know what I'm sayin

Best go do A/T & feed the animals

I ask myself the same questions @Former-Member

Yes I have dealt with similar and more.

Dont have any answers apart from the type of posts here.

In the end I see it as part of the ongoing conversation for our society or our community. Our society has become fragmented and dysfnctional in any ways so maybe I should stick to the "community" word.

Extended families are a "work in progress" as are all communities???

Give him time @Former-Member - give him time

It is totally unreasonable for him to expect you to remember the first date he had with the girl he had for a partner or girlfriend - however long ago that was

Of course had he just reminded you - then you could have been supportive - oh yeah - he is a young man being unreasonable - sounds familiar - but bringing him into the world - really? He is here is he not?

I think he is feeling incredibly sorry for himself - he can get over it - and you have been ill and lost your daughter and however your depression went down - if you had a physical disorder it would be just as tough on him

He's picking on you sis - and I am sorry because it must be making your feel really horrible

I hear you and I understand - kids can be so SELF-CENTRED and I am sorry - d'uh - I have said that before and more than once but I have "prickly daughter syndrome" at times and she has never been so personal but it really does hurt

Dec

Aw - that is one big pic of bears hugging

Sending best thoughts