Fragile

@Appleblossom my dear, how are you? I'm just catching up on posts. Hope you are okay.

I read some of your posts before where you mentioned you weren't feeling the best.

@Dimity @Till23 @Appleblossom and others following - hugs to you all.

Really good to see you @tyme.

I have been pretty upset since something that happened on May 1st. I am struggling but battling on. I edited many of my posts as I was worried about family privacy. Sometimes it is good to unpack it, and sometimes necessary to take it in our stride. Not totally sure what is best path for me. I am going with what is working and gradually making decisions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szOFY2fktpg

@tyme @rav3n

interesting talk integrating neuroscience and psychology.

dorsal numbness and sympathetic arousal

rings true for me.

chronic dysregulation, resonating with past trauma

Mind body link

Not cognition that keeps anxiety constant but it is stored in the body

*****

regarding my disclosure on recent thread about my early motherhood and dealing with death and self harming loved ones … I feel vulnerable having said too much.

honestly, I hoped for more understanding of the complexities I have experienced, but it has been very slow in coming, even by people who should have been able to comprehend and paid well.

****

Also see previous post

wow... didn't know that a regulated system processes emotions within 90 sec!!! this is so interesting to learn about, and once again a reminder of how important the feeling of safety is.

@Appleblossom as always, thank you for your openness, honesty and vulnerability. it takes so much strength to share both your lived experiences and sharing knowledge that you come across on the way. i'm sorry you've had to deal with so much, first hand and vicarious trauma must've been a lot to hold and process.

about you last post, how are things going with you and your family? totally fair to edit those posts, feeling safe comes first.

Thanks for checking in. @rav3n I sent a n email to my son’s social worker today, updating him. I hope it wasn’t breaching anyone confidentiality. My son seems to be going into deep depression and avoidance but also stoic. I love him so much. He doesn’t deserve this, but the trauma patterns keep re-enacting, no matter how much I research and step in or back off. Any walking on eggshells feelings I have are not cos he is being mean or irritable. We have little moments of joy with the cats and watched a show together. I am amazed at his calm, I see it more maybe numbness from being a sensitive caring soul and being set up by his ex and her family. I used to blame myself and my family history but now I see, their role in it more clearly.

I am keeping doing what I believe is best. Garden, food, household management and chores, music. I played the organ yesterday and went across town for a recorder ensemble. We sight read many early music pieces, a Bach fugue and a weird modern piece. The guy organising it is putting me through my paces and we have a concert in September. Inside I am a jumbled churning wreck.

the 90 second thing is a bit of a furphy if taken out of context. It was mainly to encourage people NOT to be so reactive, as the intensity will reduce. My son and I are both very nonreactive. It’s not that we don’t have feelings. Of course we do, but we are used to being thoughtful and respectful, not into knee jerk reactions or putting demands on people.

I really liked the discussion about…. Allowing…. And The nervous system in people with complex trauma.

thanks for not letting me be invisible, that was my norm for most of my life. The forum has helped with that.

@Appleblossom i can see how much love and care you have for him, and i'm glad he has someone as fierce as you to be advocating for him. it's so good that you've picked up those patterns, trauma can make things really tricky but having that understanding can change things. generational trauma cycles hard to break on our own.

i'm glad to hear that you're keeping up with those various activities. hoping that the more music you create and connect with, the less jumbled up you feel.

i find that i've been quite reactive at home, but outside i can keep a nonreactive mask up for as long as needed. i think i've also been instilled to be respectful to others, keep up a good rep. it can be exhausting though.

i like the 'allow' concept too. so many times there hasn't been a 'resolution' and things have just been held onto for far too long. we all deserve to safely 'allow' those emotions to travel through.

@Appleblossom i love hearing your thoughts and learning from you. i do apologise for not being the best at replying, i still love reading your posts.

No need to apologise @rav3n your responses are thoughtful caring and relevant. If I complain about paid people not doing their job, it is not about people on Sane forums. It’s all the others who could have helped, were paid to, but didn’t. Sorry I am very low in mood. Utterly gutted. So tired of putting on a brave face. Hanging on by a thread.

That’s the weird thing @rav3n most of my biological family haven’t been that reactive. It’s why I always will love them, no matter what happens or what society thinks.

@Appleblossom that makes sense to me. even though my family is quite reactive, i have a mix of resentment but immense love for them. maybe if they'd been less reactive, i wouldn't have had as much resentment.

please don't apologise for being in a low mood!! putting on a brave face is so exhausting, you're welcome to be yourself here. sending you some gentle hugs 💗

@rav3n I have seen many different family dynamics….some are quick and there is a lot of movement, and the give and take may not be truly reactive. Ah yes… and what is responsive. Lol

my family… maybe I should rephrase that.., and admit I don’t have a family. I only have a son.

maybe I am embracing the real feelings, and see the real situation, so I can release and live each day.

thanks for chatting.