Hi @Steph27
Does one person's need for help outweigh another person's right to be happy? There really is no black and white answer there as so many individual circumstances can come into play. And then it begs the question "do we walk out on someone we love in their darkest hour if it gets too hard and does not fulfill our needs?". The latter can be the true test of love. As the real deal is for better or for worse. Ofcourse the exception here is if abuse is involved, if so then we walk as that is not love.
When it comes to depression and/or any mental or physical illness, trauma or struggle in life - "we have to help ourselves by whatever means possible" to nurture relationships - and that involves being responsible with treatment and lifestyle choices. It cannot be too one sided expecting the other in that relationship to carry us all the time and give nothing back. Or only when it suits. It can't be take, take, take or all about me, me, me as that will drain a person dry. If that is the case with your mum and dad then no, that person's needs does not outweigh the givers happiness. That indeed is not fair and will slowly chip away at love and the happiness it brings.
If your father is doing the latter your mum needs to give him a wake up call and step back and let him stand on his own two feet for a bit (not leave him - just not do carry him and do everything for him). For your mum to pursue her own personal, meaningful goals as well in order to grow and find some happiness - this would be good to encourage for her own health and well being.
I was an alcoholic many years ago - I suffered terrible childhood abuse and neglect. But it came to a cross road in my life where I had to make a choice; where I had to take responsibility for my own actions and stop blaming the past holding onto it. To get help for myself and act on it. If we "hold on" we can "become stuck" in a cycle of depression and anxiety. And yes, can become comfortable in it believing it hopeless. For this cycle to break we need to let go of the past and do all we can to move forward - whatever that takes in a healthy manner facing up to life.
Myself and husband are there for each other and do our best to help ourselves (my husband has cancer - I struggle with depression/anxiety/grief at times) - and if adversity was to strike either of us the other would give up everything to ensure the well being and happiness of the other over our own. That's love in action.
In my life experience I have come to learn that although we can judge actions as harmful or wrong - we can never judge another person; - no one could or can judge me in the past or now until they have walked a mile in my shoes as they may not have coped or dealt with it any better - people don't know what battles I face; and no one is without fault. Your dad may have had a very painful beginning??..........Compassion towards others is important but so is taking responsibility for our actions and giving back a bit to those who show us love. Trying for their sake as well as our own to nurture each other's happiness. That's a healthy relationship and no one should accept less - your mum needs to voice her unhappiness with her husband. It's between them.
We should never allow ourselves to be used or abused - that's the time when we step back and move away.
Hope that has helped abit to answer your initial question.
