how to show care and support for my friend with PTSD

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Due to Andrew's upbringing - his mother abandoned him when he was quite young because he was a male child and males were responsible for all the evil in the world - he asks me why I care for him when noone else ever has. He finds it extremely difficult to trust people and we have both slowly built, and are still building, trust with each other. We are aware of our boundaries and are able to verbalise to each other if one or both of us is crossing the line or contributing to either of us feeling "squirmy." And we are comfortable with each other so this is not embarrassing or makes either of us feel as though we've been inappropriate because we'll just go and do something else.

Andrew and I went second-hand book shopping today and he wanted to sit and talk with me about some breakthroughs he's been having. He spoke for quite some time and I asked him if I could give him a sister hug. He said that was ok so I hugged him. I quite often tell him how delighted I am to have him in my life, both as a brother and best friend, and that I love him in the purest manner, and sometimes he'll blurt out that he adores me as his sister and friend. He's always there for me and always encourages me (he's the realist whereas I'm more emotional). I trust him completely. He does have substance abuse issues but we have spoken in depth about why he does what he does and we both have addictive personalities.....continued next post....

@NatalieS Hi NatalieS How lucky are you both in finding each other. True friendship crossing boundaries is so rare. It will mean alot to him that he can trust you. I am so happy that you consulted your psychologist about this as I am sure he was feeling a bit awkward at times too and now it has all settled down nicely for you both.

Accepting each other as adults with boundaries is the key I think and will make it a ongoing friendship. The only time where it could become difficult is when he starts a relationship with a girl his own age ... then you might have to take a back seat which will be quite natural to do so. Don't expect the girlfriend to be too happy about the friendship so hold onto your heart a bit I would hate to see you hurt.

....continued from previous post.....I trust Andrew completely. He does have substance abuse issues but we have spoken in depth about why he does what he does. We both have addictive personalities so who am I to judge? His behaviour towards me is always respectful and I can text him night or day and he responds. He is doing so many good things as he tries to get his life together. He does some paid work, alot of volunteer work, including church/community work, and is my mental health champion. Apologies for waffling on for so long....he's asked me to babysit some of his 'pay' this fortnight so he doesn't spend it on drugs. He wants to buy a tent so he can go bush for a while. So this trust thing goes both ways.

Perhaps someone has some ideas about how I can support Andrew without being too touchy-feely or gushy about how proud I am of him and how much I care. He has PTSD and sometimes I just forget, and act on impulse. I don't automatically hug him each time I see him. When we say goodbye I wait for him to initiate a sibling hug, if that's what he wants to do. I ought to know not to force myself on someone because of my own multi-childhood trauma experiences......but my stage of healing has been progressing from ice queen shut-down mode to actually asking my psychologist for a hug every now and then....but Andrew has been a gift from heaven for me. Any suggestions?

@NatalieS sorry I jumped the gun. See above. Just protect your heart things will change when he meets a girl.

Thanks sweet @Bunniekins

Yes, I know I need to back off when Andrew is in a relationship, and I truly want him to have a relationship with a significant other and I have spoken to my psychologist about that, too. Yes, a love/ significant other relationship does trump a sibling relationship, and I respect that and will stay in the background when it happens. Not so long ago, Big Sis texted Brother Andrew advising she'd tried explaining to Kid Sis (the ages and stages of my trauma) that her Bro might not have as much time for her/them because of all the good things he was doing and all the new people he was helping, but Kid Sis didn't understand and was crying herself to sleep. She didn't understand. Why would he abandon her when she adored him so much? Being the best brother EVER, Andrew texted back saying he would ALWAYS have time for her/us. He is so thoughtful and neither one of us would intentionally hurt the other, so he will let me know when his situation changes. I will hurt for a while but he'll always be my brother.

Thanks, as always, @Bunniekins

Thanks gorgeous @Bunniekins It's difficult not to get hurt, and I'm trying my hardest not to get hurt, but he deserves some happiness..he's been doing everything to survive by himself for so long....he needs to be loved and to have his own family.

@NatalieS 🙂 xx

It seems to be a good bonding the way he is asking for your help to manage his substance abuse. Trust. Keeping Boundaries and being able to discuss sex and affection is the way i have approached it with my son. The sibling model is a great idea. I have similar attitudes and have walked on the edge of that world for a while, helping others come off stuff. I like the simplicity of him going bush and buying a tent. It is taking responsibility at the level he can control and a definite shift in a healthy direction.

Cheers @NatalieS

Thanks so much @Appleblossom

I had a breakthrough talking to my psychologist yesterday. She asked me how the "not-so-sisterly" thoughts were and I mentioned that they were under control and I want to be the best sister ever. I've never had a brother and I love having Andrew as my brother. I tell Andrew that if I didn't have him as my brother I don't want a brother. My psychologist asked me what it is I get from Andrew and what I give him, and I came up with the following: compassion, love, we are both kind to each other, we are both aware of each other's childhood traumas and how they have affected our lives. Today we found ourselves in a difficult situation - he can flip out easily because of ptsd and his behaviour can become almost threatening as he tries to keep a lid on things as he tries to deal with his anxiety as it spirals out of control, which in turn leads me to feeling helpless and not wanting to say anything in case I upset him, but just trot along with him - we discussed the situation in a safe place and he explained that when he is with me he is trying hard not to act like that as he is aware of how triggering it is for me .... and we both learned something by how things turned out. Anyway, I told my psychologist that I feel the way I do about Andrew because he reminds me of the much younger me who wasn't loved or protected or cared about, so it's like being given a second chance to be loving to someone of my choosing, without conditions. I mentioned that to Andrew today, as well as saying it just is. And he gets it. And I just want all the good things for him. I tell him that I always want him (my brother) to be in my life.

I believe there are many ways for friendship and connection "to grow" and "to be". It is good that you are dealing with the relationship with your psychologist. Ethics and boundaries are important in all relationships and I guess the uniqueness of this relationship will shift and change. Being older in a relationship also needs consideration.

I never used the phrase "having feelings" for someone meaning just sexual attraction. I have had various feelings in different situations, with family and non family. So I think there are many forms of attraction.

Balancing our time, level of commitment and feelings in different relationships is difficult, a challenge but also a joy in life.

@NatalieS