I don't deserve this (feel free to not read, it's long)

I have been nearly 2 years in my current job (which I was there against my will really but that's another story, but I have decided to stick to it becuase it pays well) and the past 6 months or so I just have been pretty depressed and keep to myself and not really speaking to anyone. The reason being that there is a undue emphasis on self learning, google everything, with no proper mentoring or formal training. The 2 colleagues that I depend on the most - 1 being my supervisor - are now so focussed on projects that they either don't want to help me out as much any more or just have no time, or both. As with all jobs I approach it with enthuasism and often proactive about things and document processes etc and help the team out, but I gradually lost passion for it when my proactiveness do not get acknowledged or when all my pleas for help start to fall on deaf ears, and for once in my life understood why so many people want to just do the minimum and clock off at 4:59. Things got way worse when there were 3 new starters that are hired to do the same things I do and my 2 colleagues understandably started to obviously ignore me.

Yesterday the team leader suddenly instructed these 5 people to move away from where I am to desks a few metres away, and nobody has moved in, so it is just me (and 1 other person in my team who also keeps to himself and don't talk) in our area. Then I started to ask what is happening and what am I doing now. That is when my manager wanted a meeting with me and the team leader later in the afternoon, without my supervisor, which I found very odd.

So turns out that it was a performance review meeting. Considering the reviews for all staff had finished 2 months ago I went into panic mode but rather being scared and panicky I turned out being so angry, livid etc at all the accusations the manager and team leader piled at me. I was to be given a Below Average rating, because I didn't do well enough compared to a typical employee of my pay grade. So I didn't go above and beyond in all my other jobs but I asked exactly how they arrived to this conclusion becuase I do all work as asked as well as monitoring all incoming work when nobody else in the team does it, and I always help out when other teams need my help. They said it is becuase I don't do my work independently and learn more, and I said I do the best I can given the circumstances and that I don't receive enough feedback, mentoring etc, and there is only so much that google can teach me and I said that I like any other person need regular practice and feedback on new learning topics before I can be proficient. Also the fact that I was hired to support 1 product but it turns out that to be proficient I also needed to know several other products that interact with this product.

The manager and team leader did not acknowledge what I said, and then continued to say that they have received reports that I was being unprofessional and that people from other teams have complained about the way I interacted with them. This is such a shock and surprise to me because the procedure of this company is that if there is anything bad about someone that happens, the person needs to be informed and that every effort needs to be taken to eliminate this problem, and if the problem still exist then it is recorded at the performance review meeting. None of that has ever occurred to me. In fact I thought my relationships with everyone was cordial enough to not have anything like this happen! I asked for evidence and they are not forthcoming with it! After a while the team leader admitted that my supervisor had complained that I shouted at him. I do not recall me shouting at anyone whatsoever, and Without any context I don't understand why if I did raise my voice or shout why is that enough to warrant a Below Average. Then the team leader started grilling me "Do you not raise your voice sometimes" "Do you not acknowledge that you don't work quietly" "Do you not agree that you cause conflict with other teams" etc!

I was totally out of control by then and alternating between trying my best to present my argument in a calm manner, to sobbing uncontrollablly, but I was trying to get my point across that if there is anything untoward in my behaviour and actions which I had no evidence of in the first place it is most likely because of a total lack of effective leadership and management in this team. Team Leader began seething and said that either she nor my supervisor are meant to be actual leaders or managers, rather when I came in the team they didn't know how to place me in terms of reporting structure so I was stuck with them! And my manager who is the team leader's syncophant finally said "Management is not as good as we would like". That's it! No acknowledging my under suffering or even indicating that the manager needs to manage better etc! My last role in the same company was actually a manager so I know the People Management protocol that all managers and team leaders are supposed to have learnt and adhere to, which made me even madder.

Then the conversation moved to how to improve my rating, now that my Manager is now my new supervisor (and the team leader is still the team leader, whether she wants to be one or not). I took this opportunity to outline all the things that a new member of the team was supposed to have done with their management (which I never had, I was told to just start work), Including outlining expectations of a person of my pay grade and what and how I am supposed to do or perform. This definitely do not mean working completely independently as they were led to believe. (I also found out later that they both thought I was much more experienced in this product then is the truth and have judged me based on a few more pay grades above... sigh) I also stated in dot points how I expect my management to mentor and behave towards me and that shouting the once (supposedly) definitely do not warrant Below Average.

This meeting I spoke more words than the past 6 months. I really wanted to mount a campaign to HR to review the Below Average rating, but I basically had no resource or any pressing reason why I should. I am so tired and depressed and I needed to converse what little energy I have to look after my husband who also have mental health issues and to do my second job that night.

At home I started heating up leftovers for dinner and based on the fact that I haven't killed myself yet I took it as a job well done that in my 20+ years of mental illness and all my coping/self care skills must have kicked in. As I was starting to do my second job I vomited all my dinner up. Then suddenly every single symptom started popping up - headaches, dizziness, feeling weak, hot and cold, chest pain, feeling I am dying, as well as stomach and abdominal pains, couldn't breathe properly or my ribcage area stings every time I breathe in or when I move. At this point I had no idea whether all these symptoms were just a panic attack, or food poisoning, or both - but in a normal panic attack of mine the symptoms were nowhere this severe or this many, and in a normal food poisoning I have never vomited 3 times and each time coughing up food up to 5-10 times straight! Whatever the problem, now I was feeling worse and worse so my husband took me to the Walk In Clinic. I was thinking I just needed a medical certificate for tomorrow off work and I should be fine. But during the wait I had another bout of vomiting and we were referred to the Hospital Emergency department. During the 6 hours wait the triage managed to ease my nausea and vomiting, but I still had that moderate to severe ribcage pain. The doctor kept me for observation but there is no physical explanation for the ribcage pain, and after some painkillers eased it somewhat I was discharged. I feel embarrassed and guilty that I should know I should have tried painkillers rather than holding up the emergency department, and that I didn't push for a referral to the mental health unit. At least I have my medical certificate for the next 2 days until I see my GP.

Anyway, the next day, physically I am fine now, but mentally I am all over the place. I have flashbacks, I am letting all my negative thoughts spiral and any little effort to calm myself down isn't helping. I just lie on my bed with not much energy to do anything and feeling so guilty that various housework tasks are not done, thinking about the fact that the doctor actually accidentally wrote the medical certificate for the next 2 months instead of the next 2 days whether I should be taking advantage of it, but then rebuked myself for even thinking such thoughts becuase I am the main income earner and I need to pay the mortgage and bills. I half heartedly looked for some other jobs but I am so scared that even if I were to submit job applications in I don't have much to back myself up in the interviews (because I always make sure I do above and beyond in my current job and that I have good references lined up first, and obivously based on my current job I can't do that any more). Even as late as the day of my meeting with management I was chatting with a fair few people in other teams who I believed to have a great working relationship with to see if there were vacanies in their areas, but now all I am thinking is what was said in the meeting, and whether these people in the other teams were the same people that alledgely lodged complaints against me! I am absolutely dreading the day I go back to work. In the meeting I am accused of not saying hi or smile to anyone and having my shoulders slumped and looking depressed when I go to the tea room. OK, so I can swallow my pride and no longer do the work which I am good at and instead do some new work which is acknowledged in my industry as the work for work experience kids, but I CANNOT just perk up and be physically cordial to everyone in my team! (I am great at being cordial on the phone though!) Makes me so mad that the colleague sitting next to me never get told to be cordial to people either?! I wonder if I have PTSD. I wonder if my career is now pretty much ruined. I wonder why there are so many people in this world that do jobs that they don't want to do or interact with people they don't want to interact and still manage to fake their smiles and then happily spend after-work hours on their families friends and hobbies and never have any mental illnesses. I want what they have.